Christmas Miracle and Stuff

So many of you know that I spoke of a "Christmas miracle" on Facebook. While I won't get into details I will share the most important parts. :)
Aaron is still unemployed, but Friday I got a call, and he got a call. This call made my/our week. I just sat and wept. It's so overwhelming when God shows how faithful He is. After a week full of sad tears, questioning how people could act or be a certain way...God showed me there is still good. We are blessed and now I will enjoy my week off with my family with a burden lifted. Aaron and I have confidence that he'll be employed again as of the first of the year. After all, we know Who our provider is and He's always on time. :)
I wrote this mostly to encourage you. Don't ever stop seeking, praying, and asking God for the things you need, the things you desire. After all, I had 2 brain surgeries before God healed me. There was a 3rd one scheduled and everything. It's all in His timing. We, of course, will never understand why He waits sometimes, while other times He answers right away. We just have to have faith that our Savior knows exactly what He is doing. He has us in His hands. He's always right there and He never leaves us in our desperate hour.
Praying for you all my dear friends, mostly that you never stop believing that our God is a God of miracles, sometimes even "Christmas miracles." ;0)

Choosing to See Beyond the Frustration

So the past couple days at work have been hard to say the very least. I think from this point forward, it will just be a place that pays the bills. I'm okay with that. Work is work. Business is business. Are my feelings still hurt? Absolutely! Is there any point in letting it get to me anymore? Nope, because they're not losing sleep over the fact that they gave my family an unemployed dad/husband for Christmas. I will say this. There are a handful of people who care. That means a lot to me and I truly appreciate those people. For now, with all the craziness going around in our country, in our community, I wanted to take time to reflect on what I'm grateful for this Christmas season.
I am so blessed to be on vacation the entire week of Christmas. Instead of just me and the boys the whole week, this year Aaron will be with us. It'll be nice to have a whole week together. That never happens.
I know Christmas isn't about presents, but I am happy that we did not procrastinate in shopping this year. Otherwise we wouldn't have been able to experience the joy of having the boys tear into so many of the things they love on Christmas morning. =0)
I am so very grateful for our friends and family who have been praying for us, not only through unemployment but every chapter of our lives. Yes, we're in a spot we'd rather not be, but we have so many people offering words of encouragement and covering us in prayer. I think that alone is how I maintain my sanity. ;0)
Our kids are healthy and we are healthy. That's more than so many people can say and I never want to take that for granted.
I could literally go on and on. This is really quite therapeutic. Focusing on the positive always outshines the negative.
Lastly I'm so grateful for my relationship with Jesus. I'm so glad that in the most desperate hour, I'll hear a song, or I'll remember a verse and be overwhelmed with His presence and peace. Since Friday, Kari Jobe's "Where I Find You" has really been amazing to listen to.
The song "Steady My Heart" has some really awesome lyrics. I'd actually like to paste the whole thing, but I think this fits me the most right now.

"I'm not gonna worry,

I know that You got me right inside the palm of Your hand.

Each and every moment,

What's good and what gets broken happens just the way that You planned.

But You're here. You're Real. I know I can trust You.

Even when it hurts. Even when it's hard

Even when it all just falls apart.

I will run to You, cause I know that You are

Lover of my soul, Healer of my scars.

You steady my heart."

BEYOND Frustrated

Aaron was supposed to start working for my company last Thursday, and then it was moved to this Monday. Yesterday he got a call saying they were 'just kidding.' Obviously that's not what they said, but that's exactly what it feels like to us. 

I know you quit your other job and we told you this is your start date, but never mind. Merry Christmas by the way. Ugh!! I'm beyond frustrated. That is why I am typing this, so I can get it out and then move past it. In all honesty I know it's better for us that he's not working there. It just stinks that we don't know when the next pay check will come. 

I know God is in control and he holds us in His hands. I'll trust that our bills will be paid, and I will have a positive attitude at work even though that is going to be BEYOND hard! Especially since the same people who lied to my husband are the people who are my boss'. God is still God and He's bigger than this! Honestly this is so little compared to so many other things going on in our world. 

Luckily the company he left to come work at mine is already looking to get him working with them again because they are AWESOME!! =0)

So we are going to have ourselves a HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS and not let stinky people ruin it!! ;0)

Hope

So if you know me, you already know that my favorite Christmas album is Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers, "Once Upon a Christmas." The other day as I was listening to it in the car, the song "I Believe in Santa Clause" came on and one of the lines stuck out to me.

"I believe that there is Hope when all seems lost."

I love this, and I believe that as Christians, this is how we should all live. Why, you ask? Um, mostly because it's true!! =0) It's so important that we realize that no matter what a doctor tells us, no matter what another person tells us, no matter what this world tells us, no matter how hopeless or helpless things are, there IS still HOPE!! God is our hope. He alone can turn the most desperate situation, the most devastating circumstances into something beautiful. 

Another song comes to mind as I typed that last line:

"Beauty for ashes, a garment of praise for my heaviness.

Beauty for ashes, take this heart of stone and make it Yours."

So often we let terrible news, horrible circumstances turn our hearts to stone. Instead we should turn to our Savior, our hope. We should always remember that He alone is bigger than the circumstances we're facing. He'll never leave us alone. We lack the faith, even though we know that He's never once forsaken us. It's amazing because when we do lean on him and truly trust Him in our lives, He begins to turn our "ashes into beauty" our sadness into joy, and our pain into peace. 

I leave you with the silly song that inspired this whole blog! =0)

The More I Seek You

On the way to church this morning, I was listening to "The More I Seek You" by Kari Jobe. My plans were to work on the timing and stuff since it would be the first time we would be doing it as a worship song. Instead of concentrating on the timing, as I sang the words, I found myself in tears. Here are the words:

The more I seek You. The more I find You.

The more I find You. The more I love You. 

I want to sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand.

Lay back against You and breathe, feel Your heartbeat.

This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. 

I melt in Your peace. It's overwhelming.

I can't say for sure what words touched my heart the most, but there are so many things that I felt while listening to this song. It describes almost perfectly why worship is so important to me..why I am a worshipper. I'm not saying this just because I lead worship at my church either. That actually has nothing to do with it. There is just something so special about having a relationship with Jesus. When I sing praises to Him, I truly do "melt in His peace." No matter what is going on in my life, whether I have the worst migraine ever, whether I've just found out my mom has a brain tumor, whether my grandmother is really sick and they don't know if she's going to be okay...in worship, even if just for a moment all of the cares melt away. He fills me with an overwhelming peace. It's AMAZING. I can't really think of any other way to describe it. I think that's why I pretty much cry every single Sunday during worship. There's just this overwhelming feeling of love and peace that's so wonderful that I can't stop the tears. 

The other great thing about God is that the more we seek Him the MORE we find!! He never runs out of AWESOMENESS!! ;) There's not a cap on God. If we seek after Him, there is always more for Him to reveal to us!!

It's like the song says, "The more I find You. The more I love You." God isn't hiding from us. He's just waiting for us to want to spend time with Him. During worship when I feel His love for me, it's impossible not to fall more in love with Him, you know? He loved/loves us all when we're unlovable. He loved us enough to give us His very best, Jesus! It always makes me wonder how people can sit during worship with scowls on their faces. God deserves our worship and praise everyday of the week, so put a smile on your face and PRAISE him!! Praise Him because He saved you and He loves YOU...even if you don't smile! ;0)

Thanksgiving..Thankful for Things I Didn't Even Realize

So today has been a wonderful day as are most Thanksgivings. I have found myself reflecting on the past few months, and it's crazy what God will show you if you are still enough to listen.
While it might sound insane I can say, (probably for the first time ever,) that I am grateful for the 2 brain surgeries I had when I was a sophomore in high school. I am also so thankful that God healed me right before I was supposed to have the 3rd one, and that I've remained healthy ever since. Why am I grateful for a very scary and painful time in my life? I think the main reason is because it helped me when my mom was diagnosed with her brain tumor. Did I fall apart? Of course I did, but once I got past that point, I remembered what God brought me through. The one thing that kept me going while she was in surgery was, "If He brought me out of 2 brain surgeries, surely He can bring her through 1."  After her hair started falling out from radiation, I could totally empathize. Yes, my hair was shaved due to my surgeries, but I still understood how devastating it is as a woman to lose your hair. I am so grateful for this time in my life, because when people are going through things I TRULY believe God CAN perform a miracle. They're not just words for me, because I am a walking miracle. When  I pray for healing, I believe with every part of me.  I'm actually fighting tears right now. I've never been bitter about that period in my life, but I've always wondered why 2 surgeries, why didn't God heal me before? It's like now it all makes sense to me. Gods ways are not our ways, and we may never understand, but it's amazing when we do. :)
In closing I'll leave you with a few of our Christmas pics! Most of you have seen them on Facebook, but I know I do have a few readers who aren't on Facebook! :0)

God=Bigger Nothing=Insignifcant

It's been a while and it seems that God continues to remind me of the same things. In the midst of life struggles, my own and my friends, He is greater and bigger, and also that nothing you or me are going through is insignificant, no matter how small.
They are basic principles, but when the floods of life are over your head, it's so very hard to remember. Perhaps that is why God keeps whispering these things to my heart.
For me personally I have just been so overwhelmed with everything lately. Migraines are still an issue which is super annoying, no FRUSTRATING. Then there's work. I don't personally have a problem, because somehow I manage to fly under the radar, but I see how other people are treated and it irks me. People are treated so unfairly and it drives me insane. My dear friend and coworker who I could confide in was blessed with the opportunity to stay home with her children, so now I'm just alone. I do have other friends within the company, but it's nice to vent to someone who actually does the exact same job you do and completely gets it, you know? I'm just so ready for God to open a BIG door that says QUIT and go HERE! LOL...too bad life doesn't work that way! ;0)
It's crazy because in the midst of all this mess the song "Still" by Hillsong came on Pandora and I hadn't heard it in so long, I had completely forgot about it.  "When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm. Father You are King over the flood. I will be still, know You are God." Definitely words I needed to hear and continue to remind myself of. It's like okay, God, you have me here for a reason. I will suck it up, be still, and trust You. One of the scriptures in my devotion this week was this, so very perfect for me. Psalms 27:14 "Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say on the Lord!"
In closing, I'll say this, I know my work problem and even my migraines are nothing compared to what some of you are going through. That's the awesome thing though, God is big enough to carry all our needs and burdens. So if you have a need, no matter how big or small, lay it at His feet. Don't carry it alone.
Psalms 138:7 "Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me;You will stretch Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me."

Our God is Greater

I posted a status on Facebook the other day, and I would really like to expound on what God has been reminding me of this week.
All of us can admit that life is rough. For so many people I know this is one of the roughest seasons of their lives. Trial after trial, storm after storm, and it just seems like the waves keep crashing with no sign of relief. This song, "Our God is Greater," has been on my heart all week. God is greater than fear, depression, sickness, disease, financial issues, sadness...ANYTHING that you are going through. No matter how big you think your problem is, our God is bigger! The lyrics say:

"Into the darkness You shine. Out of the ashes we rise. There's no One like You, none like You. Our God is greater. Our God is stronger. God You are Higher than any other. Our God is Healer, awesome is power, Our God , Our God. And if our God is for us then who could ever stop us, and if our God is with us, then what could stand against."

That's the thing, WE are not strong enough on our own, but with God, we are more than conquerors. I know  it's so easy to get discouraged. I've been there more times than I can count. One verse that always encourages me is John 16:33: "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." So often we try to carry the weight of our trial on our own, but what we really need to do is cast it at the feet of our Heavenly Father and let Him make our burden light. 

I know it sounds so simple, and it is easier said than done, but in the midst of your trial always remember that  Our God Is GREATER, HE's BIGGER and He WILL carry you through!

Pray Like You've Never Prayed Before

We've definitely established that I'm an extremely emotional person. I wear my feelings on my heart/sleeve/face..it's all out there! There's no guessing with me, well except whether or not I'm sad, happy or mad crying! ;0)
Lately it just seems like people close to me are just being bombarded with huge, heart wrenching life events. With me..I always think, what can I do to make this better? How can I lighten this burden? The truth is in most cases, I can't, and I'm not going to lie...this drives me insane. Of course as a friend I can offer a shoulder, an ear, a punching bag, etc. It never is enough though.
The most powerful tool we have in our possession is prayer. Oddly enough, I often find myself saying all I can do is pray. Sometimes ALL we NEED to do is pray and let God take care of the rest. I can't tell you how many times I personally have seen situations turned around because of prayer.Prayer changes things. It makes the hopeless hopeful, the lonely feel loved, those who are mourning feel joy, and those who are in the midst of the biggest storm suddenly feel peace.
Miracles do happen. I hate that because of what TV has made it, some people can't believe that God can still heal the sick. I am someone who was once sick and is now whole. I won't tell the long version of the story, but I had two surgeries on my head due to fluid on the brain: the 1st was to just drill a hole in my skull and let the fluid drain out, and the 2nd was to put a shunt in. Those two surgeries did NOT work. When I went in for a check up a 3rd surgery was scheduled. I had one more scan and the surgery was the following day. At that point I told my dad I'd rather die than have surgery again. Obviously I was in high school and dramatic from having half my head shaved and two painful surgeries already. That night we had my friends come over to pray for me. The next day when I went to the doctor he was surprised I was even walking and the 3rd surgery was cancelled. MIRACLES happen!! =0) I've been fine ever since.
I say all of that to say this, my friends, your friends, our families, they're struggling. They so desperately need someone who loves them enough to pray for them. Don't just say you'll pray, and not do it, PRAY! We all need strength, encouragement, hope, peace, HEALING...some of us need to feel God's loving arms wrapped around us. It sounds silly but prayers are like hugs. They wrap around you at the most desperate times and cover you in peace when you should be falling apart. God is amazing like that!

 Pray without ceasing.1 Thessalonians 5:17

Evening and morning and at noon, I will pray and cry aloud, and He shall hear my voice. Psalms 55:17

Love, Love, Love

So, my last post was about me crying a lot. ;0) This one is going to be a bit different. I've really felt overwhelmed with God's love lately, and while it's awesome, it's got me thinking. Here goes...
With the election times bringing out the worst in people, arguing about this and that, who's better than who, I just can't help thinking we're missing the BIGGER picture. What our country really needs is to realize that we need God more than anything. We need to fall back in love with Him. We as Christians need to love. We need to love as HE loved or I should say as He LOVES. I know it sounds cheesy and simplistic, but can you imagine a world where Christians ACTUALLY acted like Christ? An America where the church was operating as an extension of His loving arms?
We have the Hope that so many people are longing for, the Love they all need. I think what so many fail to understand is that you don't have to agree with someone to love them. The bickering I see between Christians on Facebook so often is so heartbreaking to me. What is that saying to those who are lost? Not to mention, whatever issue you are arguing about, is it as important as a soul lost and going to Hell or someone who is barely making it through each day, because they've lost all hope. We are the only Jesus some people will ever see, and it's so important that we're conveying His true character. Yes, He hates sin, He despises it! We know this, but it's still so important that we "Love them like Jesus." We need to show people compassion, His compassion.
I guess I've just realized lately that we get worked up over such trivial things. Our soul purpose is to point people to the cross. God in His love and mercy will do the rest. I know none of us are perfect, and I for one am far from it. We have to strive daily to let Jesus shine through us, so that others will come to know the Hope that we've found in Him.

An Aching Heart and Lots of Tears

 I have so much to share, but finding the quiet time to sit and gather my thoughts always seems to be the problem. It's a bit discouraging knowing that there really aren't too many people that read what I write on here, but then again, I'm thrilled that ANYONE at all wants to hear what I have to say. ;0)
God has been working on me big time. I can't even say it's been since my mom was given the news of her brain tumor. She's doing AMAZING by the way!! Praise God!! It's really been going on for a while now. I'd venture to say once I started leading worship is when I really started noticing Him molding me. I've been praying for a long time for God to use me, and it's really strange how He has been.
For those of you who that have had the privilege of knowing me for a while..(totally kidding) know that I've always been a pretty sensitive person, a crier. Lately I pretty much cry on a daily basis. Sometimes it hits me at work, in the car, while I'm in bed trying to go to sleep, or it could be a song I hear on the radio.
Yesterday as I was driving the song came on that says, "All I know is I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus. This is not where I belong." I just started crying.... God has literally been breaking my heart for everyone, at least it feels that way. My heart hurts for our country, my heart hurts for my friends, my heart hurts for Christians who lack compassion, my heart hurts for people I know who are going to Hell,my heart hurts for those suffering loss, my heart hurts for those fighting cancer, my heart hurts for the families of those fighting cancer, my heart hurts that no one cares about the millions of babies murdered through abortion...MY HEART ACHES and I cry. I can't stop it, and it often overwhelms me at awkward times.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want it to stop. We should all feel and hurt for each other. Isn't that what it's all about...Christ's LOVE. If we don't care, then WE should really take a long hard look in the mirror. I'm not telling you to walk around crying all the time like me, but take the time to feel. Often times, our first instinct is to judge instead of love and pray. We could never understand or comprehend what everyone's going through, but God sure does.
We as Christians are to be the light of the world. The best way to shine through the darkness and ugliness of this world is to show Christ's love. There's so much more God has been revealing to me, but I'll save that when I have another quiet moment. Love you all so much!

I Think It's Official..Migraine Meds are Making Me CRAZY

So, while I have so much to say that is so amazing and that God has been revealing to me...I'm not quite ready to put it all into words yet. So for now I will give you an update on me and the wonderful world of Christi on migraine meds.
At my last appointment my doctor decided that I needed to be on the meds for another 6 months. I understood, and up to that point, the only side effect was the 'meaner' Christi. Lately I'm noticing some other changes. I think I am beginning to slow down mentally. It's nothing crazy, but sometimes it's hard for me to think of what I'm trying to say, and it's incredibly frustrating. I'm also finding myself saying some really silly stuff. Example: I've been using my phone to charge my guitar. What I meant to say is I've been using my phone to TUNE my guitar. I've been saying fun stuff like that more frequently, and while I'll admit we all do this sometimes. I promise I have never done this as often as I do now.
I am still pretty blunt, but it's still to the point where it's funny and not rude. My friends find most of what comes out of my mouth quite amusing.
Today, I think was the icing on the cake. My boss gave me something back at the end of the day yesterday. I was asking her about it today saying I still didn't have it. She kept saying I know I gave it to you, and I kept saying I really don't remember you giving it to me. This back and forth happened for a while, very respectfully I might add. Then something clicked. I went to the drawer where I lock my things up at the end of the day and there it was. Honestly, as silly as it sounds. It makes me kind of sad. I literally feel like I'm losing my mind.
I guess it's time I call the neurologist and just see if he can lower my dose or see if my brain is going to be permanently slowed down by these meds even once I come off of them. It's so frustrating. I try to laugh about it most of the time, but it's starting to get to me!
The thought of being on these for another 4 months does not sound appealing at all, especially if it effects me even more.
Prayers are greatly appreciated!!

Sometimes the Storms Come....

So the past two days I have cried so much that I could no longer see out of my contacts. That was the past two days, but really the past several weeks have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Lots of crying, some for myself and some for friends struggling.

I hate seeing my friends hurting. It makes me hurt especially when I know there's nothing I can do to take it away. I just want so badly for everyone around me to feel joy and to not struggle so much, and lately it seems like everyone around me is dealing with a major trial. It truly grieves my heart. 

The one thing this has taught me is some things just aren't worth worrying about. Someone really hurt me by talking about me and my family, not just to one but several people. What they were saying was untrue, and very hurtful especially when they have no idea what I struggle with each and every day. The fact of the matter is being bitter isn't hurting anyone but me. I have let it go and it's in God's hands now. Those who love me know what to believe and if they have questions they will come to me. Either way, I'm not letting it steal another second of my joy.

So after coming to this conclusion on one issue we were blindsided yesterday with some news about my mom. She had a CT scan due to some headaches and received the dreaded call back, "We found something." Yesterday evening was pretty much a nightmare. Every scenario possible running through my head..they found a mass. All I knew is there was NO WAY I was losing my mom. I lead worship at church with my dad even though both of us had a million other places we would rather be...in a hole curled up crying sounded more appealing than worshiping God. As we sang though, God wrapped his loving arms around me. "You are my strength when I am weak. You are the treasure that I seek..You are my all in ALL..When I fall down you pick me up. When I am dry You fill my cup." I will never understand why people don't live a life worshiping and praising God. He truly will meet you in the most desperate situation.

So today was the appointment and my mom has a brain tumor. It is not cancer!!! PRAISE GOD!!! She will be having surgery next Wednesday to have it removed, and because of the location they will not be able to remove the whole thing. She will have radiation to make sure whats left does not grow. The good news is that the neurosurgeon has seen several of her exact cases this month, and so he's familiar with this procedure. Her prognosis is good. Please pray for our family. While I know the news we got is far better than what we imagined, it is still scary, and the road to recovery for my mom is still long. I know she is in God's hands and she will be okay. 

In closing, all I can say is I have the most amazing friends ever!! I can honestly say I do not know what I would ever do without each and every one of you praying for and encouraging me. No wonder each of your struggles effects me so deeply. I love you all and look forward to telling you all how well my mom is doing next week after her surgery!!!

Neurologist Appointment Tomorrow

So tomorrow I go back to the neurologist for my follow up appointment on my migraines. There's a good chance since my migraines are few and far between and since they have never again been as bad as the night I went to the ER, he will begin weaning me off the medication.
I've described the positives that have come from being on this medicine, but there have also been some very evident negative effects too. I am easily annoyed, not quite as patient, very snippy, quite moody...None of these are me. It's actually been quite depressing feeling like another person has taken over my body, someone I can't control. To tell you how serious the change is, Aaron actually asked if I would ask the doctor to prescribe me another prescription. He obviously gets the brunt of my moodiness and snippiness...well, because he's annoying!! ;0) Just kidding...maybe!! =0)
Needless to say I am so grateful for the things I've been able to get off of my chest after so many years. The fact that my medication makes it almost impossible to keep my mouth shut especially when I'm being mistreated can be thanked for that. I guess I'm just hoping to find a balance between "door mat" and "mean." I do believe mean is a little extreme, because I'm really not mean, but mean for me if that makes any sense at all. I just want to be me again. Me without medication, me without migraines.
Lastly, I want to be me without the fear of having a migraine so severe again. I know that fear is not something that God gives us, and that I am not to live in fear, but that is SO hard for me. I have never been as scared as I was the night we called 9-1-1 and the night when half of my body went numb and my vision got spotty. Yes, if it happens again I'll know what's going on, but the thing is I don't ever want to feel that way again!!
So please pray that God will give me peace if the doc feels it's okay to take me off my medication. He said some patients are perfectly fine and others have their migraines come back immediately. God has been so faithful to me, and I feel so silly being scared, but I am! Thanks friends for loving me and praying for me!!

The Beauty of Migraine Meds

Let's just say I've been going through a rough patch. I'm just emotionally drained for many reasons, well if I'm being honest one very specific one in particular. I'm not going to get into details, but basically before I got on my migraine meds I was what people would consider a 'doormat.' I would never speak my mind and would let people talk me into doing certain things that I knew I didn't like or want for me or my family. Obviously we're not talking high school stuff like drugs or alcohol...just day to day decisions that come up. 

I've always believed everything happens for a reason and in this instance I am really beginning to see it. For a while I was calling my new outspoken self 'Mean Christi." I felt uncomfortable and sad that I was starting to voice certain things I never would have before and people were starting to notice that WOW I ACTUALLY have opinions. =0) Now I'm beginning to realize that this is a very positive thing. While it did take finding out about something very hurtful someone said about my family, I am starting to be vocal about feelings I've kept locked up for quite some time now, because I didn't want to 'rock the boat' or be mean.  While I am very excited about the prospect of getting off the meds at the beginning of July. I hope that I don't lose this spark that I have. Certain issues could have been resolved years ago had I not chose to keep my mouth shut. 

With all that being said, as hard as this past month or two has been on me, God has been revealing so much to me..little rays of hope in what seemed like utter darkness and hopelessness. 

A couple of Sundays ago, when I was picking out the worship set list each song was picked for a very specific reason: 

"It Is Well"- No matter what may be going on in this world and how ugly it is, I know "it is well with my soul." Even if it's never okay here...I know where I'll be in the end.

"Blessed Be Your Name"- "Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your Name." Just fit so perfectly with all that I'm going through.

"Desert Song"- "All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship." It's so very true. No matter what I'm going through, He is faithful and is worthy of all my praise.

"Your Name" "Your Name is a strong and mighty tower. Your name is shelter like no other...Nothing has the power to save, but your name." Time and time again He has shown me that He truly is my shelter from the storms of this life. and lastly...

"Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus"- My favorite line and why I picked it.."and the things of Earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

That's what's so amazing about God, He gives us what we need when we need it. These songs ministered to me while I lead worship. I was able to share my heart, and that reaches people. Trials stink, I hate them! Who doesn't? Unfortunately they are a part of this evil and sinful world. In the end God gets the glory, and as   one of the songs we're singing this Sunday morning says, "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us and if our God is with us then what can stand against?" Sometimes it may seem like we're all alone. Even if those that should be supporting us on this Earth aren't, our Heavenly Father is. That's truly more than enough to get us through any trial. 

I know this was REALLY long, but in conclusion after being hurt and discouraged this week, I remembered this verse. Love how God works!!

John 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will^[a] have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

That deserves an AMEN and a Praise God!! =0)

God Is Still Here

Time is supposed to change things, but I'm still waiting.

Every day is a battle and it seems I'll never overcome. 

Beaten down and defeated, I desperately want to surrender.

There's an enemy at every corner feeding the flames that already burn uncontrollably.
I'm finding it harder and harder to see the light through the darkness of smoke and ash.
God is still here.
I feel Him leading me gently with the light of His love.
He's been listening all these years, giving me strength to endure, pushing me through the pain, frustration and helplessness.
Aware of every tear I've cried and how close I've come to breaking,
His gentle embrace always holds me together.

Catching up and What God has Shown Me

Alrighty folks, it's been a while. A lot has been going on, but I just haven't really had the time or really felt like 'writing' it down. First off..... Dex turned 3:

Brett turned 12 and we braved a sleep over and survived! =0)

I think that about covers the big events. Now onto what God has been revealing to me over the past month or so. I can honestly say I've been struggling quite a bit with a lot of different stuff. The details don't really matter. God knows and I have many close friends praying for me and who have kept me sane and smiling through this valley. It's just seems like I've been attacked from every side and it's been overwhelming to say the least. Here's my biggest dilemma though, which also leads to what God has revealed to me.
I have a huge problem with comparing my struggles with those of my friends, (trust me,so many of my friends are going through some incredibly trying times,) and when I do this I end up feeling like an idiot. Their pain is greater, their mountain taller, their struggle so much harder than anything I could ever imagine. Even typing this and thinking about their different individual circumstances brings tears to my eyes and makes my hills, not even mountains, seem so insignificant.
Here's what God has taught me though. He doesn't think my struggles are insignificant at all. If I'm hurting, He's hurting too. What's important to me is also important to Him. He longs for all His children to feel joy and happiness and peace. The beauty of it all is that God doesn't prioritize as I would. I'm not a saint, but I know there are so many that struggles far exceed mine. God can handle it all, you see? He doesn't have to tell me to go away and get over it because so-and-so needs Him more. He's big enough to carry us all. Coming to this realization made me cry tears of joy..as does typing it. I love that His arms are so big and so loving and that He cares for each one of us individually. You see I haven't been blogging, because I've really been focusing on letting God move in my life..move in my circumstances. Are things better?Yes and no, but I have a peace knowing that God will carry me through.

Weekend Wrap Up

So this weekend was crazy busy. Those of you who know me, know that I prefer a weekend filled with very little so my weekend doesn't fly by and I am left feeling exhausted. In spite of the hustle and bustle of this weekend, I am actually feeling quite refreshed and ready to face another week.
Friday was a lot of fun! We watched our friends renew their wedding vows on their 10 year wedding anniversary. It was very sweet! That was followed up by some yummy dinner at Mi Cocina, frozen yogurt and then we finished the evening with Touch and laundry at home. :)
Saturday I woke up and did a 5K for the 2nd annual Coleson's F.R.O.G! It's a great event that helps those that are dealing with pediatric cancer. I walked it this year, but my goal next year is to train and actually run/jog the whole thing. We shall see though. It was a beautiful day to be part of a great cause. It was honestly nice to workout for a change. I'm hoping I can get myself feeling better, so I can start making working out a part of my  daily/weekly routine.
Saturday evening was definitely the biggest thing I've ever been a part of. I considered it a great privilege and honor to lead worship at the Donnie Swaggert Crusade. My nerves started kicking in big time as the hours ticked by leading up to practice. The crazy thing about it is unlike most people, it wasn't because I was so in awe of Mr. Swaggert. He is just a person, just a man.  He's no better than you or me. Don't get me wrong, he's an amazing pastor, but I think so often we put so much emphasis on man, when really it should all be about God. We think if we bring in a world renowned pastor in that God's going to move in a mighty way, but it doesn't take that. It takes us truly seeking His face. Sorry, trailed off a bit there, my nerves were the pressure of  leading hundreds of people in worship...something I had never done before and didn't really think I was capable of doing. I'm no Kari Jobe..honestly I will never be. Of course everything leading up to practice was a disaster, but once we actually got to the point of running through our music it just flowed. The band, the harmony, everything during the service was phenomenal. The best part about it is God gets all the glory. It was all about Him. He moved. His presence was there, and it had nothing to do with me at all. (As it should be.) The theme of the music even fit in with what Pastor Swaggert talked about. I love how God works. This morning we got to just sit and enjoy the crusade. Worship was amazing this morning. I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing..basking in God's love from me.
So as you can see, even though this weekend was full, God worked it out. I don't feel quite as frustrated as I have the past couple of weeks with just about everything. Thank you God for this weekend of refreshing.

Tuesday Tunes-Where I Belong- Building 429

I know I've been so bad about posting a song every Tuesday, but every time I hear this song, I want to post it. I always forget the name of it by the time Tuesday rolls around though. ;0) I finally remembered. All I can say is lately it seems like it has been one thing after another with my health and whatever other drama has decided to pop up, so I've been discouraged off and on quite a bit. I find the words of this song so encouraging. This isn't as good as it gets for me. Praise God this is NOT my home and is NOT where I belong. "All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong." Love this. If you're going through a rough time, I encourage you to remember the words to this song. If Jesus if your Savior, this is the worst for us. We have a heavenly home awaiting us. Praise God!!

Tuesday Tunes-Jesus Messiah

This is an amazing song and it was actually one of the songs we did for worship on Easter!! I really love this song!! Hope if you haven't heard it already, you'll take the time to listen!!

Easter

So tomorrow is Easter and each year I find myself more and more emotional. I truly am moved to tears when I think about the price Christ paid for me.  . Instead of dwelling on what I truly deserve and how different my life would be had He not paid with His precious blood, I choose to be so overwhelmed with joy and Thanksgiving. He truly loves me and He's alive!The grave could not hold Him!! I am looking forward to our Easter service at Crosspoint Church tomorrow! I'm excited about the worship songs, (not at all because I'm leading them) and I'm excited about the message our pastor will be bringing, but even more, I am excited about the visitors that will be coming in!! I'm praying that God will move in a mighty way and lives will be touched and changed.
On that note, here are 2 songs I absolutely love that bless my heart , one by Natalie Grant and one by Mandisa!
Happy Easter Everyone! Lets remember that it's not at all about new dresses, shoes, pretty bows, and Easter baskets! It's about a risen Savior who died to give us the greatest gift of all, His Salvation!

Happy 2nd Birthday Charlie Jensen

Happy birthday Charlie! You would have been two today and while it breaks my heart that you aren't here to celebrate, I know that Jesus is taking care of you! Me, Dex and Brett sent you 3 balloons today!! I even made sure your Happy Birthday balloon had an elephant! :0)

So it took me forever to decide whether or not this post would happen, but in memory of precious Charlie,  I wanted to at least post something.
So I had the pleasure of meeting Charlie twice. Kate and Sean brought him to Ft. Worth for a short trip where we shared breakfast and the zoo, and then I had the pleasure of spending a week with them in FL with Dex in January of 2011. It was an amazing trip and it was so fun watching Dex and Charlie play together. Here is my favorite pic from the whole trip. I believe it truly captures Charlie..all smiles..super happy boy! =0)

Here's just one more that's super sweet. The introduction of Charlie to Dex's BFF Elmo!

I'm finding it so hard to find words, but here goes. When Charlie went to meet Jesus last year, I lost a part of my heart. He wasn't my blood, but I truly felt like his aunt Christi. Maybe it's because of the closeness his mom and I share. I'm not really sure, but I loved and still love Charlie with all my heart. There is not a day that goes by that I do think of him, Kate, Sean and Cannon. They are my extended family! I love each and every one of them so very much.
For those of you who do not follow Kate's blog, I strongly suggest that you do. She is amazing, and while I know she has her moments she has carried herself with such grace and I know that is only by the love and Faith that she has in our Heavenly Father. Here's a link to her blog: http://embracinglifesjourney.blogspot.com/
Happy Birthday precious Charlie! We will never forget you, because you, precious angel are unforgettable! We  will take care of your mommy and daddy and let Cannon know how awesome his big brother is watching over him in Heaven!

This Just In...Hot Off the Press

Okay..it might not be right off the press, but it's new as in just a few short hours ago. I finally went to the chiropractor again today. I've needed to go for quite some time. I've had neck, back and shoulder issues for a while, but lately my neck has really been bothering me, so I finally listened to my nagging husband and made the appointment. ;0)
While I did not get the sweet relief of an adjustment today, I did get relief in another way. During my assessment, the doctor said my neck was incredibly messed up, and when I went into detail of all that had happened over the past month, he said he would feel more comfortable seeing x-rays before adjusting me. That way, he would not actually cause a migraine or episode or adjust and then see there's something more serious going on.
Okay...I'm kind of babbling. The good news is, he thinks that the condition of my neck could be a trigger for my migraines!!!!!!!! :0) Fix the neck=stop the medication!!!! This at least is what I'm hoping and praying for. So we'll see. I'm hoping to get the x-rays squeezed in during my lunch break tomorrow and then hopefully get adjustment #1 on Thursday!
On top of this, a friend of mine told me that juicing has stopped her migraines all together, so I will probably be trying that in the near future also. I figure it couldn't hurt!! The healthier I am, the better.
As of right now, eating isn't enjoyable, and I'm not really eating all that much any way since my medication leaves a horrible taste in my mouth. It's hard to explain, it doesn't make food taste different, but the constant taste in my mouth makes the idea of eating less appealing. Needless to say, my goal is to not be on these pills if I can help it, and of course to talk to my neurologist when I see him next week!! =0) No worries folks...I am still eating, so I am not wasting away.
Well I'll keep you posted..hopefully I'll know more Thursday evening!!

Jumbled Mess of My Mind

I'm not even sure where to begin, because my mind has been  mush lately. I've had about a million things to think about and while things seem to be slowing down, I still feel like I have so much to say and sort through. Here goes the jumbled mess that has been me lately. 

First of all, in case you're wondering my medication seems to be having minimal side effects. This week has been the worst I've felt since I started taking the medication, but I'm trusting God that eventually these migraines will stop along with dizzy spells and the trouble with my vision. All I can say is I've just felt terrible this whole entire week and today hasn't changed that. I increase my medication for the last time on Monday evening, and I am hoping that that will be the final blow these migraines need to go away completely. 

Besides health stuff, adjusting to my new role at church has been a little rough too. While some people think worship music holds little or no significance in a service I STRONGLY disagree, and the fact that I am leading it is a role I take VERY seriously. Before you jump to any sort of conclusions, I'm not pointing fingers at anyone. I just think worship softens the hearts of the congregation to hear the pastors message and also helps the pastor prepare to preach too. All that being said, when something is important to me, it can really do a number on me. I always want to do my best for God. After all, if not for Him who am I doing it for? So when it doesn't go as well as I think it should, I often find myself beating myself up and questioning my capabilities. Some of you may be saying why not just quit? Well, I can't, because this is truly where God wants me to be and what He wants me to be doing. That being said I know He will give me all I need and I will give Him all I have each Sunday and Wednesday. Plus, as I've said in the past, when I'm up there, a peace just washes over me, and it's just confirmation that I'm right where He wants me to be.

Another thing that's been weighing super heavy on my heart is the issue of abortion. I've seen so many celebrities knocking particular candidates for making it mandatory for women to hear the babies heart beat and actually hear in descriptive detail what's on the sonogram. How dare they infringe on women's rights? Blah, blah, blah? Well here's what I say to them...what about a women's right to avoid the emotional turmoil of living her entire life of knowing that she murdered her baby? Why does no one think this is an issue? They care about her right to murder her baby, but don't care about her right to be truly educated on the fact that she is in fact killing a human being. It's mind boggling and heart breaking. If you haven't heard of the Back to Life Movement, I urge you to check out what these 39 women are doing...absolutely amazing!!! http://www.backtolifemovement.com/

See, I told you I was all over the place. I guess lastly my heart has just been breaking for so many of my friends that are hurting...just issues in general. All I can say to all of you is that I am praying for each and every one of you. No matter how insignificant you think your hurt/frustration is compared to someone elses, if it matters to you, it's significant. God cares and loves you and wants you to lay whatever it is at his feet.

I heard this song for the first time almost a year ago in August and it made me bawl like a baby then. Even now, it brings tears. It's AMAZING!! I hope I didn't jump around too much and that this made some sort of sense! If anything, it helped me sort through my mess of a mind!! =0)

Tuesday Tunes-Strong Enough-Matthew West

Two of my friends have posted this a couple of times on their Facebook pages and this is an amazing song! I'm so glad they introduced it to me! =0) So now I introduce it to you if you haven't heard it! ;0)

Migraines and everything else

So of course all of you know by now after the millions (a mild overstatement) of tests they ran while I was in the hospital the verdict is migraines. Apparently it is not uncommon at all to have stroke like symptoms when you're suffering from migraines. So while this stinks, I am praising God that my broken shunt and the fluid cyst in my brain are not the issue. This =not another brain surgery for me which=my hair staying in tact. ;0) So the plan of attack appears to be a medicine that I will take for either a while or forever. I guess it really depends on what my neurologist thinks and how well it prevents future migraines. I am truly okay with this. Besides being dizzy off and   on, it has ruined the taste of Diet Coke. This has been an addiction I've been trying to stop for a while, so I thank God for that. See, there's always silver lining, and the doctor did warn me this would happen. It didn't ruin my Starbuck's, so I'll survive! =0) Now the next step is just praying that as I increase my dosage the next few weeks, I will continue to be okay.
The past couple of months have been a struggle, and while I'm no doctor, I truly believe that stress was the 'trigger' for the migraines. Between Aaron's traveling, me being home alone, Aaron's surgery, Dexter and my staph, the complication from Aaron's surgery and him traveling any way, and issues Brett's been having at school, I think my body finally just cracked. I hadn't been sleeping well at all, and I can't tell you the last day at work where I haven't truly had to focus to keep my eyes open throughout the day. Through all this though, and especially today, I've felt a stirring deep inside me.
It's hard to explain, but I'll try. First of all, if you know me, you know this is in no way me bragging. That's truly not my personality. You'll understand that disclaimer as I continue. I have been leading worship at my church on Wednesday and Sunday nights for about 2 months now. After my first episode from the migraines I felt terrible that following Wednesday, and while I really had no desire to lead anything, I did it anyway. I truly felt like I'd been ran over by a truck, but guess what God showed up and while I was singing, I felt better. The following Sunday night, I still wasn't feeling it. I had just been released from the hospital the day before and really just felt awful and defeated. I had been released with no answers. However, I sucked it up, and gave God the best that I had.
Here is what I believe God has been trying to show me or at least what he has taught me in the mess that has been my family's life for the past couple of weeks. No matter what is going on in my life, no matter how awful, how sad, how hurt, angry, and frustrated I am or I feel....He still deserves my praise. It truly makes no difference if I feel like it or not. I just pray, ask Him to help me and give me the strength. He paid the ultimate price. He gave the ultimate sacrifice. The least I can do is give Him the honor and glory and praise that He so deserves. You know what the best thing about being obedient, doing what He's called you to do even when you'd rather not? He shows up, He blesses you. He doesn't have to, but He does. It's amazing!! It's heartbreaking to think that we/I so often give him excuses why we're not giving him our  best when He's always given everything for us. The most humbling part about this is we've never deserved this and we never will, but yet He is gracious to give it any way.
The song I keep thinking of as I type this is Mandisa's "Broken Hallelujah." It's lyrics are so very true!! Well I hope this made some sense. Well I'm about to leave to practice for worship in the morning!! I'll talk soon!

Tuesday Tunes-Blessings-Laura Story

Love this song!! That's all I have to say!! :0)

ER/Hospital Stay and What Comes Next

First of all, thank you so much for everyone who's texted, called, facebooked, and prayed for me recently. I was literally sitting in hospital bed crying because I was so overwhelmed with the concern and love I felt.
So I'll try to explain what warranted the 911 call Thursday night. I had been asleep in bed for a couple of hours and I woke up feeling incredibly off. I was trembling, lightheaded,  my heart was racing, and I felt like my head was filling up. I can't even fully describe it, but I was afraid to fall back asleep. Aaron was going to drive me to the ER, but since neither of us have ever had to we had no idea where to go. We called 911, and the firemen and eventually the ambulance people came. They took me to the hospital, but there was no siren or anything. I honestly felt like an idiot while trying to describe how I was feeling, because it was just off.
By the time I got to the hospital, my symptoms had calmed down. I gave them the CD of the images from my CT scan and then we literally sat for hours after they took blood and stuff.  I was beginning to think I was crazy and that it was just some sort of panic attack. That was when the nurse came in and said that I would be admitted to the NeuroICU and that there was an issue with my shunt. If you want to see me have a emotional meltdown, tell me my  shunt is broke.
Basically what they told me is that there was a cyst of fluid on my brain and that the tubing was broken which was possibly causing the backup of fluid. They would just cut my neck and fix the tubing and then all should be good. I was okay with the minor surgery and so grateful it wasn't worse. The neurosurgeon came in the next day and said he felt I didn't need surgery. He said that he thinks that shunt has been broken for a while, and he also felt that it had served it's purpose. He even said the cyst wasn't causing any issues or pressing on anything, and that it was normal. That's when all the other tests started. They scanned my stomach, my chest, did an MRI on my brain, scanned my neck, took lots of blood, and even squeezed in a pregnancy test. Nothing jumped out at them, and all the tests came back negative. The only thing I found out for sure from being in the hospital is that my potassium level was low. Everything else was a theory. I was given a prescription for Hydrocodone, and a couple of vitamins and told to keep my appointment I already have scheduled with the neurologist Monday.
Needless to say I am frustrated and a little scared. Something had to cause the numbness, the speech issues, and then all the additional symptoms I experienced on Thursday night. Don't get me wrong, I don't want anything to be wrong. I just want a reason. The reason will help me prevent ever feeling that way again. Right now, I don't have that peace of mind, because I was told nothing.
If you could do me one favor it would be to continue to pray. Pray that if I don't get an answer Monday, that God will give me peace that I will never have an episode again. I want so badly to feel normal, to not have a headache, not feel weak and off. Thank you everyone again for your prayers and concern. It means more to me than you'll ever know!

Tuesday Tunes-You'll Come-Hillsong

I've been slacking with this, but I'm sure most of you know that a lot has been going on lately! This is one of the songs that I plan on doing Sunday night!! I really think it's awesome! Enjoy! I'll try to get better about posting every Tuesday!!
Also, I hope to be posting with an update on me once I see the neurologist Monday!! Keep praying please! =0) I'm not feeling great, but not terrible either.

Sometimes It Just Feels Like TOO Much

I'll start with the good first! Aaron is on his way to normalcy. He got his drain taken out today, and while it wasn't a pleasant experience, he now has the freedom to do the simple everyday tasks that were limited with it in. He got nauseous immediately after they took it out, but is now on his way to San Antonio for his last week of this assignment. Praise God he's recovering well.
Many of you know that last night was Aaron's first full length sermon at our church. He made me so proud, and the word he brought was awesome. The whole service was actually great. God must have known that I needed this with the events that took place after the service.
Our pastor had asked us to dinner and as we waited my vision became spotty in one eye. I asked Aaron to drive, and by the time we got to the restaurant that was better. By the time we sat down, I started feeling incredibly off. When I was trying to talk, I couldn't actually verbalize my full thought. It was fragmented and very frustrating for me. It was so loud at IHOP, no one else seemed to notice. I got up to go to the restroom a couple of times and when I came and sat back down, my right hand became numb. It moved up my arm until eventually the right side of my face was numb too. After a while it passed and then the headache set in. It was so bazaar how it just came on so quickly, lingered for a while, and then settled into a headache.
Last night I cried a lot, because for those of you who don't know, I have a shunt. I had two surgeries on my head about 12 years ago, and haven't had a problem since. Praise God. The numbness definitely brought back memories of that scary time. Needless to say, even though God healed me before I had to have the 3rd surgery that was scheduled, I'm finding it so hard not to be scared.
At my doctor's appointment today all they could say is that my pupils were sluggish, I'm assuming in responding to the light. She scheduled a CT scan and referred me to a neurologist. So now we're in the waiting game. She did let me know that if the numbness happens again an ER visit is in order.
So if I could ask anything of you, I would ask this that you pray for peace and strength for me. I feel like such an idiot for being scared knowing that I have experienced God's miraculous healing, but yet, I can't help myself. I haven't forgotten what He's done, so I really don't know what my problem is. ;0) More than that though, pray that these headaches cease and that the scans come back clear. Pray that I can once again praise God for a clear report!!
The words to Kari Jobe's song "What Love is This" really spoke to me today...especially this verse. "You never change. You are the God You say You are. When I'm afraid you calm and still my beating heart. You stay the same when hope is just a distant thought. You take my pain and You lead me to the Cross."
This verse always gives me such peace too. "I will both lay me down in peace and sleep:for you, Lord, only make me dwell in safety."
Thank you, Lord for the safety in Your arms! I pray when I'm afraid, I allow you to hold me close and let Your peace wash over me!

Exhausted and Overwhelmed...Peace and Joy

So the past couple of weeks in the Blain household have not been easy. Between Dex's staph infection on his finger..then staph on my face and the pain that has been, talks Brett and I have had, and then to top it all off Aaron's more complicated gall bladder surgery...it's been a bit overwhelming.
I haven't been feeling well at all: partly exhaustion, partly antibiotics, partly body fighting off infection and partly waking up every 4 hours to give Aaron his pain meds. I've found my self on the brink of tears quite often. While anticipating doing worship this evening, I truly thought I don't think I can do this. My heart, my emotions, I just felt like I had spent every ounce of strength I had in me. How on Earth could I lead anyone? I needed the help. Well, thankfully I showed up to practice and when I started singing, I immediately felt all the overwhelming exhaustion melt away. It was replaced with a peace, even joy. We sang two songs: "How He Loves" and "I Love You Lord." What better way to get in the right mindset than to focus on how much our Father in Heaven loves us. I couldn't even think about the weight of the past couple of weeks any longer once I started singing.
That's how awesome God is. He shows up when we're at our wits end..when we feel we can't make it any longer. He never disappoints. As cheesy as it sounds, He truly is an 'on time God.' Tears were flowing tonight,  and it felt amazing. Worship was amazing tonight, and the only One who deserves the credit for that is God. I feel so refreshed. While I'm still physically exhausted, I feel like I'm ready to take on this next week. I am trusting in God that it will get better.
The AM and PM services were both amazing. I can't even describe it, but there is just something so precious about the presence of God. I'm super stoked about what God is doing at Crosspoint Church!!

Chin Infection and Gall Bladder Surgery

Instead of writing the longest Facebook status ever written, I figured this was the best way to update everyone. First of all, this morning I went and had my follow up visit for my chin infection. The packing was removed, and basically with antibiotics and cream, the hole will  have to heal from the inside out. It's disgusting still, and I will probably have a scar, but it's real low on my chin. I'm sure it will hardly be noticeable. =0) I'm not feeling all that great, and the doc said it's because my body is fighting hard against the infection. Also, one of my antibiotics is known for making a very unhappy tummy.
Okay, so first and foremost, Aaron is okay. The surgery took a lot longer than anticipated, but his gall bladder was successfully removed. Because it should've been taken out back in August when his pain originally started, he has this bulb thing attached to him to let fluid drain out. Apparently his gall bladder was in super bad shape: inflamed and infected. Until this is removed, I get the wonderful job of emptying it every 30 minutes or so. It looks like red Gatorade, so it's not too bad.
While in the waiting room I had a terrible headache and felt nauseous. I'm sure it was mostly because I hadn't eaten since earlier this morning and nerves about the surgery lasting so long. Once I was able to go see Aaron, I had to stop the nurse in the middle of her instructions to run to the bathroom to throw up! After that, I was given some graham crackers and almost immediately started feeling better. Needless to say I cried a lot today, but I thank God that we are both home in one piece and on the mend.
Please pray for Aaron. The complications that are possible are pretty scary, so just pray that he heals perfectly.
On a side note, Aaron on pain meds is quite amusing!! =0) There's always silver lining!

Living Defeated instead of Victorious

"This is my prayer in the battle when triumph is still on it's way. I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on his promise I stand."

Today was rough. I'm not even really sure why. I just felt defeated. I'm sure the fact that there's some sort of growth on my chin that is making my whole face hurt doesn't help. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm beginning to think that something bit me.I've also had a headache most of the day, and I think part of me is anxious about Aaron's surgery Friday to remove his gall bladder. I could name so many other things that are making me worry, but it's really just life in general. 

After I got past my moping, I found myself anticipating worship at church so much! There is just something about the presence of God that makes the weight of the day melt away and replace it with the most precious peace. It's not what any of us deserve, but because we serve a God that is so full of grace, he freely gives it. I found myself tearing up in the car as we made our way to practice. 

The verse from "Desert Song" at the beginning of this blog post really got me thinking. "When triumph is still on its way..." I think so often we live like we are defeated. We forget that triumph will come. It won't necessarily come the way we think it should, but God will ultimately bring you through what ever valley you are in... VICTORIOUS!! We have to remember what Romans 8:37 says: "In all things, we are more than conquerors through him that loved us." 

The part of the song that broke me tonight was, "All of my life, in every season, You are still God I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship." No matter what we are going through, God is still God. He is bigger than your greatest failure, hurt, or disease. I think the best quote I've heard is "Don't tell God how big your problem is. Tell your problem how big God is." Such powerful and true words. Because I have kids my mind immediately goes to Veggie Tales: "God is bigger than the Boogie Man. He's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on tv. God is bigger than the Boogie Man and he's watching over you and me."  I am so grateful that God is always watching out for us. He never leaves, never forsakes us. Praise God for his hand of provision and protection, for His mercy and grace, and his unfailing love. If God is for us, it really doesn't matter who stands against. He's got it. We just have to give it over to Him and trust and have faith that He is able to take care of it. I know that's WAY easier said than done. Our lives would be so much easier though if we lived like this..unwavering faith in God.

In closing I'll leave you with and amazing song..."Our God" 

Tuesday Tunes-Desert Song-Hillsong

I discovered this song rummaging through all the music I received for leading worship at my church. I was told by several people that it was a great song, and it truly is. I'm hoping to lead this one this Sunday night! It's an amazing worship song! Enjoy!

Tuesday Tunes Part 2 "What Love is This" Kari Jobe

I just couldn't wait to post this one until next week. I have to post the lyrics, because they're awesome and not on the video! Enjoy!!

You never change, you are the god you say you are
when I’m afraid you calm and still my beating heart
you stay the same, when hope is just a distant thought you take my pain
and you lead me to the cross

What love is this, that you gave your life for me
and made a way for me to know you
and I confess you’re always enough for me you’re all I need

I look to you
I see the scars upon your hands
And hold the truth
That when I can’t you always can
I’m standing here beneath the shadow of the cross,
I’m overwhelmed that I keep finding open arms

What love is this that you gave your life for me and
made a way for me to know you

And I confess, you’re always enough for me
You’re all I need

Jesus in your suffering you were reaching you thought of me
Jesus in your suffering you were reaching you thought of me

What love is this, that you gave your life for me
And made a way for me to know you
And I confess, you’re always enough for me
You’re all I need

What love is this, that you gave your life for me
And made a way for me to know you
And I confess, you’re always enough for me
Always enough for me
Always enough for me

Tuesday Tunes-"Find You on My Knees" Kari Jobe

First of all I just have to say if you have never heard Kari Jobe's music, you're missing out!! This song as quickly become one of my absolute favorites from her new album. I can't even pick out a lyric to share, because I love it all!! Listen to the lyrics and know that God is there even when all you have left is brokenness!! He's there and He'll never leave you!  

Heavy Heart

Today has been emotionally draining. It's so hard when your friends are struggling/hurting. My heart hurts for so many reasons today. I think the hardest part of knowing your friend is hurt is that there truly is nothing I can do to fix it...that is at least in MY power. It's so easy to lose faith when things seem so far gone...so beyond repair.
Luckily, I know where MY hope comes from. It is from my Savior who has already defeated the ugliness of this world.
I think where I struggle the most is letting the weight of the burden my friend is carrying consume me too. I don't even know how to explain it, but my thoughts are consumed with worry and what I can do. Did I do enough? Have I truly been there? Could I have stopped this had I tried harder to reach out? This is NOT what I should be doing. It's so easy to get caught up in the would've, should've, could've and what if's. I should lay my friends burden at the feet of Jesus and let Him take care of it. My job as a friend,( and more importantly a Godly friend,) is to truly battle for my friend on my knees. That is where the change happens. What kind of friends are we if we're not ceaselessly praying for those that we love? I mean praying for them even when nothing is wrong...at least that we know of. We all know this life is tough. There are constant battles and hardships. Storms come when you least suspect...which is why it is imperative that we're constantly praying. Through prayer, we receive the peace and strength we need to make it through whatever this life throws at us.
I just truly want to be who God created me to be. I want to be a light to this lost and dying world. As a friend, I want to be the encourager, the one that people come to for prayer. I just want God's light and love to shine through me so bright that they see Him when they look at me.
One of my dearest friends posted this song today, and it kind of fits this, so you get a bonus song today! ;0)
I think my favorite part of this song is: "His mercy, it is unfailing. His arms are a fortress for the weak....I lift my hands to believe again. You are my Refuge. You are my strength. As I pour out my heart, these things I remember, You are faithful, God, FOREVER."

Tuesday Tunes-"Your Great Name" Natalie Grant

I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it. I especially love this acoustic version! I think I have a new goal : learn to play this on my guitar! ;0)

We so often forget how powerful the name of Jesus is. It's almost as if we don't believe it. 

Yesterday I was leading worship at church. All day long, I just let the yuck of the day wear on me. My neck and back were sore from the wreck, dealing with the insurance company, horrible headache...and the list goes on and on. A good friend of mine sent me a song by Misty Edwards, and oh my, it changed my perspective real quick. I was like "Okay, God! No excuses, I'm going to church." =0) Maybe if there's a way, I will share the song I heard today...not real sure how to find it again. It's 20 minutes of WOW!! ;0) Church was amazing last night, and I would've totally missed out on a blessing. That's the awesome thing about God. When we are obedient and we seek after and call on His name, He's always there, He always gives us more than we ever deserve. As I was singing, the cares of my day just melted away! All I could do was cry, because even after my crappy attitude, He still blessed me!

Okay...I guess I should stop 'talking' and post the song! Love you, friends!!

Psalms 4:8

"I will both lay me down in peace and sleep:for you, Lord, only make me dwell in safety."
With Aaron's new job, I have been trying so hard to meditate on this verse. Being home alone has never been an issue for me. I've always cherished my alone time. I guess the saying rings true: You don't realize what you have until it's gone. I've quickly realized over the past three weeks that I depend on Aaron for security. Just the simple fact that he is in the house or that I know he's coming home helps me to sleep peacefully. I've tossed, turned, jumped out of bed at every little sound. There have been a couple of nights I even resorted to having Dex sleep with me in hopes that it would ease my nerves.
I'm sure by this time you're wondering what's the point. Well here goes. While I don't think there is anything wrong with me feeling safe and secure when Aaron is home, it is wrong for me to be so fearful. The verse says it all. The Lord of all the Earth "makes me dwell in safety." Whom shall I fear? It's so hard to fathom, but God is watching out for me every moment of every day. He's got my best interest at heart and He wants nothing more than for me to rest in His safe and loving arms. Yes, the world is such a scary place...full of crazies, but my God is stronger than ANYthing that could ever try to come against me. I need to truly rest in Him and know that He is watching out for me and my boys while Aaron is away providing for our family. This new work week, I am going to really pray for His peace to wash over me. I'm honestly sick of losing sleep and walking around like a zombie. As much as I hate to admit it, it really is of my own doing.
So if I could ask one thing of my dear friends, it would be that you pray for me these next 7 weeks of this contract Aaron is on. Peaceful and restful sleep is all I ask!! =0)
I want to sleep like this...without a care in the world like Dex knowing that mommy and daddy are here for him. Like Dex, I can rest in the fact that my Heavenly Father is watching over me with even more love, and He never closes His eyes for a second!! =0)

Tuesday Tunes-"Rescue" Newsong

I absolutely love this song! I think the first time I heard it was visiting a Christ for the Nations worship night!! Give it a listen!! It's an absolutely amazing song! What a blessing that we have Jesus to come to our rescue!! =0)