I know the title made several people roll their eyes..especially coming from me. If you understand and know my past though, you'll definitely understand the title.
I've posted on here about my battle with bulimia. I was bulimic for years, but can say with complete honesty that I haven't ventured down that slippery slop in at least 10 years. While that is a huge accomplishment, sadly those thoughts never go away..at least not up to this point.
Probably within the past few months I've put on about 5 lbs. Yes I understand that's not a lot, but it's SUPER depressing when your jeans are snug and your shirts don't fit quite they way they used to. I am proud to say that I am heading down the right path to shed these extra LBs...diet and exercise. I've actually started doing the one thing I've hated my whole life...RUNNING!! That got a huge HOORAY from a few of my crazy runner friends. ;-)
The thing is when you've had a bulimic past, it's so very hard to ever view yourself as 'skinny.' Even when I was 5lbs lighter, most days I still didn't see the skinny person every one else saw and still sees. It's a sad truth, but it is what it is.
I don't want this blog post to be a huge downer, so here's what I do when I struggle. I remember the verse that got me through those dark days so long ago, "I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalms 139:14 You see, God loves me with or without the extra LBs. He doesn't measure his love by how much the scale says or how tight my pants are. He made me just the way I am.
This takes me back to something I heard at Women of Faith, "God can use your past to give someone a future." Yes it absolutely stinks that I was ever bulimic, but I am an overcomer. I'm proof that there's hope for anyone who struggles with these thoughts or actions.
I have to remember that no matter how skinny I am, I am beautiful. We're all beautiful..created in the image of our Maker.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
Vacation, Women of Faith, and Revival
It's been forever since I've actually had time to gather my thoughts. Life has been so busy...moving faster than I'd like.
First of all, I just wanted to share a little bit about my vacation to Minnesota and Wisconsin at the end of August. First of all, it's so crazy to think that so much time has passed. I had an amazing time with my dearest friend. Our friendship is certainly an example of those that even though there's a lot of distance, and we don't talk everyday, when we get together, it's like we were never apart. :-) I am so blessed to have her and her precious family in my life, and it was so very hard to leave them and come home. They are not just friends but an extension of my family. I'm dreaming of a move, but we'll see where God leads us. :-) Here's my favorite pic from my visit!
When I returned home it was full speed ahead. I had Women of Faith, and WOW was it wonderful and much needed. I didn't realize how much I needed it until I was there. The theme was a lot about being more than you know, and that God is more than we know. Here are a few of the notes I took, quotes that spoke to me "He is God. Miracles are what He does. Impossible is where He starts." "Don't just memorize, internalize the word." "He can use our past to give someone else a future." " God is not growing in His level of patience. It is perfect and complete." The worship was phenomenal. I've said this on Facebook, but hearing 10,000+ voices singing and worshiping is one of the most beautiful sounds. One other word I really loved is that "true worship is unrehearsed." Basically I could go on and on, but it was an amazing time with God and a dear friend! :-)
Lastly I wanted to talk about the revival at my church. It was phenomenal. Not because we had a special minister who's on TV, but because God moved. Again, my favorite part was leading worship. What an amazing thing to hear voices singing loud enough for me to hear them. That's what worship is all about. I was beyond blessed because you could tell everyone came expecting to meet with God. After all, if you don't come excepting you're going to leave disappointed. God never disappoints though, so you can always count on Him to show up and meet you right where you are.
Until next time! :-)
First of all, I just wanted to share a little bit about my vacation to Minnesota and Wisconsin at the end of August. First of all, it's so crazy to think that so much time has passed. I had an amazing time with my dearest friend. Our friendship is certainly an example of those that even though there's a lot of distance, and we don't talk everyday, when we get together, it's like we were never apart. :-) I am so blessed to have her and her precious family in my life, and it was so very hard to leave them and come home. They are not just friends but an extension of my family. I'm dreaming of a move, but we'll see where God leads us. :-) Here's my favorite pic from my visit!
Until next time! :-)
Monday, August 12, 2013
A Legacy of Light
I actually have a lot to say. It seems like it's been forever since I've had a quiet moment to myself to write. So much has been going on that I don't even know where to begin.
I guess I'll start with a status I posted a while back on Facebook:This past week has started making me think about what my legacy. What do people say about me? Have I helped everyone I could? Does Christ's love shine through me? If not, that needs to change. We are the light afterall to this dark world. I hope I am doing my part to bring hope and love. It's kind of silly what prompted my thought that day, but here goes. A well known DJ, named Kidd Kraddick passed away almost 3 weeks ago. It was amazing to me how people all around the world were calling in and talking about all this stuff he did for others behind the scenes, and then of course the work he did through his charity Kidd's Kids. That had me thinking, what is my legacy? Am I truly doing everything within my power to help others? Am I a true friend? Do people see Christ's love in me? Do I bring light to this dark and dying world? My husband responded and said that our legacy will be through our boys. Of course that's true, but why should it be limited to that? I work and interact with so many people throughout the day. It's sounds so cliche, but do they see Jesus in me?
I truly want people to walk away from me knowing that I'm different. I want to live in such a way that everyone wonders what's the joy that radiates off of her?
Nothing brings me more joy than leading worship at church. It has nothing to do with the fact that there's a microphone in my hand. It's the fact that God's presence transforms. His presence renews my strength, gives me peace, fills me with joy. Honestly if I could walk around singing out loud all day, I would be a lot happier. Unfortunately that's frowned upon at work. ;-) So I just have to settle with a song in my heart. (SUPER CHEESEY, I know.)
I guess I'll start with a status I posted a while back on Facebook:This past week has started making me think about what my legacy. What do people say about me? Have I helped everyone I could? Does Christ's love shine through me? If not, that needs to change. We are the light afterall to this dark world. I hope I am doing my part to bring hope and love. It's kind of silly what prompted my thought that day, but here goes. A well known DJ, named Kidd Kraddick passed away almost 3 weeks ago. It was amazing to me how people all around the world were calling in and talking about all this stuff he did for others behind the scenes, and then of course the work he did through his charity Kidd's Kids. That had me thinking, what is my legacy? Am I truly doing everything within my power to help others? Am I a true friend? Do people see Christ's love in me? Do I bring light to this dark and dying world? My husband responded and said that our legacy will be through our boys. Of course that's true, but why should it be limited to that? I work and interact with so many people throughout the day. It's sounds so cliche, but do they see Jesus in me?
I truly want people to walk away from me knowing that I'm different. I want to live in such a way that everyone wonders what's the joy that radiates off of her?
Nothing brings me more joy than leading worship at church. It has nothing to do with the fact that there's a microphone in my hand. It's the fact that God's presence transforms. His presence renews my strength, gives me peace, fills me with joy. Honestly if I could walk around singing out loud all day, I would be a lot happier. Unfortunately that's frowned upon at work. ;-) So I just have to settle with a song in my heart. (SUPER CHEESEY, I know.)
I guess the main point of what's been on my mind is we've found the truth. Jesus has filled us with His peace and He's given us Hope and Love. Why would we not want to share that with our friends, coworkers...even the people we're not all that fond of? Honestly those are the people that need Jesus the most. Well I have a lot more to say, but I will save that for another day! :-)
Matthew 5:14-16 “You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven."
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Tragedy Around the Corner
This week has been so emotional. It's always so terrible to hear of tragedies, but it's a completely different reality when it's around the corner from your house. I'm not going to get into any details, because they don't matter, and I'd rather not repeat them. I wish I didn't know, honestly.
The fact of the matter is, I HATE that this happened. I HATE that I can't drive through my neighborhood without crying. All the purple ribbons are amazing, but it's a reminder at every corner of the tragedy that rocked our community. The curbside memorial is so very sweet, but every time I drive passed it the tears begin to stream down my cheeks.
It's the worst talking to your 13 year old and having to tell him what happened, how that monster is still on the loose. I tell him we just have to know that God is walking with us and protecting us, but at the same time there's no way to explain WHY this happened to THIS child. I told him we live in a country that is turning it's back more and more from God, and we just have to pray that people turn back to Him. We pray, that's all we can do. I also explain that unfortunately there are just some things that we'll never understand in this life.
I can't explain the dilemma that goes through my head about walking through our neighborhood. Dex and I were starting to really enjoy our walks. I know we're not supposed to live in fear, but at the same time, I don't want to put mine or my child's life in danger. It's just sucks...I know that's a terrible word, but what else can I say?
The fact of the matter is, I HATE that this happened. I HATE that I can't drive through my neighborhood without crying. All the purple ribbons are amazing, but it's a reminder at every corner of the tragedy that rocked our community. The curbside memorial is so very sweet, but every time I drive passed it the tears begin to stream down my cheeks.
It's the worst talking to your 13 year old and having to tell him what happened, how that monster is still on the loose. I tell him we just have to know that God is walking with us and protecting us, but at the same time there's no way to explain WHY this happened to THIS child. I told him we live in a country that is turning it's back more and more from God, and we just have to pray that people turn back to Him. We pray, that's all we can do. I also explain that unfortunately there are just some things that we'll never understand in this life.
I can't explain the dilemma that goes through my head about walking through our neighborhood. Dex and I were starting to really enjoy our walks. I know we're not supposed to live in fear, but at the same time, I don't want to put mine or my child's life in danger. It's just sucks...I know that's a terrible word, but what else can I say?
The night this tragedy happened, my devotion was Psalms 23. I love how God is right on time. Psalms 23:4 "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For you are with me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
I have been playing 2 songs over and over in my car since this happened, and I realize I have posted these before. The first song is "In Better Hands" and the second, "Our Hope Endures," both by Natalie Grant. "In Better Hands" says, "There's no fear when the night comes around. I'm in better hands now. It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pourin' down. It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground. So take this heart of mine There's no doubt I'm in better hands now."
"Our Hope Endures" says, "Emanuel, God is with us. El Shaddai, all sufficient. We never walk alone and this is our hope. Our hope endures."
I'm so grateful for the hope and peace I have in Jesus. I can't lie and say I don't feel uneasy, sick, angry, and devastated, but I know He feels it too, and He will walk all of us through this if we just lean on Him.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Psalms...Just Can't Get Enough
I know I have blogged about my love for the Psalms before, but I just can't get enough.
This past week, I was having some issues sleeping. I can't really explain how I felt besides my throat was tight and it felt like there was a lump it. This caused anxiety or the anxiety caused this...who really knows? After praying for God to help me calm down so I could sleep, I began reading the Psalms. Chapter after chapter I felt the oncoming panic attack subside, and peace overwhelmed me.
After reading the following verses, it was impossible not to feel better.
Psalms 3:3-5 But You, O Lord, are a shield for me,My glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the Lord with my voice, And He heard me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept;I awoke, for the Lord sustained me.
Psalms 4:8 I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Psalms 5:11-12 Let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; Let those also who love Your name Be joyful in You. For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous; With favor You will surround him as with a shield.
It's kind of crazy, because I had already read through the Psalms once, but I feel as if I will be reading through them again. Something about the words in these particular chapters are medicine for my soul. I'm honestly not real sure what brings on these anxiety attacks, but I'm so grateful I have the tools to stop them..prayer and Psalms. Continuing to pray that these episodes disappear completely.
This past week, I was having some issues sleeping. I can't really explain how I felt besides my throat was tight and it felt like there was a lump it. This caused anxiety or the anxiety caused this...who really knows? After praying for God to help me calm down so I could sleep, I began reading the Psalms. Chapter after chapter I felt the oncoming panic attack subside, and peace overwhelmed me.
After reading the following verses, it was impossible not to feel better.
Psalms 3:3-5 But You, O Lord, are a shield for me,My glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the Lord with my voice, And He heard me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept;I awoke, for the Lord sustained me.
Psalms 4:8 I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Psalms 5:11-12 Let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; Let those also who love Your name Be joyful in You. For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous; With favor You will surround him as with a shield.
It's kind of crazy, because I had already read through the Psalms once, but I feel as if I will be reading through them again. Something about the words in these particular chapters are medicine for my soul. I'm honestly not real sure what brings on these anxiety attacks, but I'm so grateful I have the tools to stop them..prayer and Psalms. Continuing to pray that these episodes disappear completely.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
He Loves
So today was Father's Day and church is normally cancelled Sunday evening. It wasn't tonight. I was okay with it, besides the migraine that just seemed to progress as the day did. I really wanted to just stay at home in a dark room until sleep came.
I decided to go ahead and go. Thank God I did!! :-) You see for the 3 songs that we did during worship my migraine disappeared. That's not even the best part though. God just wrapped His loving presence around me. All I could do was weep singing "How He Loves." The words are so simple "He loves us. Oh how He Loves us. Oh how He loves us. Oh how He loves." You see, if you really think about those words you are singing, it's impossible not to be moved.
God LOVES us SO very much. It's truly overwhelming and WONDERFUL to know that. He knows my deepest darkest secrets, and yet He loved me enough to die. That's why I sing "Jesus Lover of my soul. Jesus I will never let you go. You've taken me from the miry clay, set my feet upon the rock and now I know..I LOVE YOU, I NEED YOU..Though my world may fall, I'll NEVER let You go. My Savior, my closest friend...I will worship You until the very end."
I'm so grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father. He LOVES..DEEPLY loves, TRULY loves. We're in a world full of desperate and hurting people. It's so important that THEY know the love, hope, joy and peace that's awaiting for them if they just believe. God's love is certainly not a love that we should just keep in our churches or to ourselves. We're called to be the hands and feet of God and that means reaching His broken and lost children. Through Him there is HOPE, and if you look around, hope, is exactly what this world needs.
I decided to go ahead and go. Thank God I did!! :-) You see for the 3 songs that we did during worship my migraine disappeared. That's not even the best part though. God just wrapped His loving presence around me. All I could do was weep singing "How He Loves." The words are so simple "He loves us. Oh how He Loves us. Oh how He loves us. Oh how He loves." You see, if you really think about those words you are singing, it's impossible not to be moved.
God LOVES us SO very much. It's truly overwhelming and WONDERFUL to know that. He knows my deepest darkest secrets, and yet He loved me enough to die. That's why I sing "Jesus Lover of my soul. Jesus I will never let you go. You've taken me from the miry clay, set my feet upon the rock and now I know..I LOVE YOU, I NEED YOU..Though my world may fall, I'll NEVER let You go. My Savior, my closest friend...I will worship You until the very end."
I'm so grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father. He LOVES..DEEPLY loves, TRULY loves. We're in a world full of desperate and hurting people. It's so important that THEY know the love, hope, joy and peace that's awaiting for them if they just believe. God's love is certainly not a love that we should just keep in our churches or to ourselves. We're called to be the hands and feet of God and that means reaching His broken and lost children. Through Him there is HOPE, and if you look around, hope, is exactly what this world needs.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Heaven's Sounding Sweeter
"Heaven's sounding sweeter all the time. Seems like lately it's always on my mind.
Someday I'll leave this world behind. Heaven's sounding sweeter all the time."
I haven't heard this song in such a long time, but as I was driving home tonight these lyrics were playing in my head. This past week has been a rough one. Two major tragedies in our world and the sting of loss. Two of my dear friends are moving away this week along with Dex being sick. It's been so hard to not walk around crying.
It just really makes you wish that Jesus would hurry up and come. Two scriptures ring so true at this very moment. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. 14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. And also Psalms 34:18 The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
Life can be so hard sometimes. The hope we have though is this world is as bad as it gets for us. This is NOT our home and one day we will join our Savior where there are no more tears or sorrow. I anxiously await this day and even long for it so much. I guess you could say I'm homesick. I'm sick of crying and I'm so sick of broken hearts. I am so grateful for God's peace and that He's always right here with us. I think of a song my grandpa wrote, "There is peace in the time of trouble. There is peace in the midst of the storm. There is peace though the world be raging..in the shelter of His arms." Thank God for His peaceful embrace, those loving arms that never let us go. When the world is out of control, He's holding us safely in His arms.
"When the oceans rise and thunders roar. I will soar with you above the storm.
Father you are King over the flood. I will be still, know you are God."
Phillippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding , will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
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