The Neverending Weight Battle

I know the title made several people roll their eyes..especially coming from me. If you understand and know my past though, you'll definitely understand the title.
I've posted on here about my battle with bulimia. I was bulimic for years, but can say with complete honesty that I haven't ventured down that slippery slop in at least 10 years. While that is a huge accomplishment, sadly those thoughts never go away..at least not up to this point.
Probably within the past few months I've put on about 5 lbs. Yes I understand that's not a lot, but it's SUPER depressing when your jeans are snug and your shirts don't fit quite they way they used to. I am proud to say that I am heading down the right path to shed these extra LBs...diet and exercise. I've actually started doing the one thing I've hated my whole life...RUNNING!! That got a huge HOORAY from a few of my crazy runner friends. ;-)
The thing is when you've had a bulimic past, it's so very hard to ever view yourself as 'skinny.' Even when I was 5lbs lighter, most days I still didn't see the skinny person every one else saw and still sees. It's a sad truth, but it is what it is.
I don't want this blog post to be a huge downer, so here's what I do when I struggle. I remember the verse that got me through those dark days so long ago, "I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalms 139:14 You see, God loves me with or without the extra LBs. He doesn't measure his love by how much the scale says or how tight my pants are. He made me just the way I am.
This takes me back to something I heard at Women of Faith, "God can use your past to give someone a future." Yes it absolutely stinks that I was ever bulimic, but I am an overcomer. I'm proof that there's hope for anyone who struggles with these thoughts or actions.
I have to remember that no matter how skinny I am, I am beautiful. We're all beautiful..created in the image of our Maker.

Bulimia...Overcoming the Demon

Blogging is about life, so I've decided to give you a glimpse into one of the many things I've struggled with in my almost 30 years of life. Many of my close friends and family know that I struggled for years with bulimia. I'm not even sure what made me wake up one day and decide I was fat, but either way it happened and once I went down that slippery slope it was very rough to climb out of that deep dark pit of low self esteem and poor body image. Here is a poem I wrote when I was at my lowest point. Please bear with me, because I do triumph in the end. =)
A Chubby girl stares back at me as I look into the mirror.
Who is she? Could she really be me?
I pray she's not, but she's all I ever see.
"You're not skinny enough. How much did you eat today?"
In my head she taunts me until I give in.
My insides ache, pleading with me to stop, but this monster always reigns victorious.
Day in and day out, I try to gain control, 
But in the end victory goes to the enemy within.
When did my eyes lose sight of the beauty I used to see?
Why did I  fall into this suicidal trip? 
How did I become my own enemy?
After I wrote this I guess you could say I realized how messed up I was. I started digging for scriptures that could help me to see myself as God sees me, beautiful, a masterpiece he made. The scripture that truly saved my life was Psalms 139:14 "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." I began just meditating on this verse. It was the first thing I saw when I unlocked my cell phone. Then one day I sat down and wrote this poem: Promise, it's much happier.
I'm in awe of your beauty.
You are the one I created in my very image.
Eyes so blue filled with love straight from my heart.
The freckles on your face are all so perfectly placed. 
I command the sun to rise each morning in hopes of seeing you smile.
Your single dimple always gives me such delight.
You are my child, my creation.
Each day I sing over you and long to hear the sweet songs of your heart.
Your voice is a sweet melody that grows in beauty each time I hear it.
Why do you question your worth, precious one?
Nothing surpasses you in beauty.
In my sight nothing is more lovely.
Flowers, mountains, and oceans are dim in comparison to the radiant light of your beauty.
After I read this poem, I began to cry. I realized that though I wrote it, it was as if God was speaking to me reassuring me of my worth and beauty. I'm not going to lie and say that I never struggle with thoughts of being fat. I can honestly say it's a daily struggle to look in the mirror and actually be confident and what stares back at me. I can however say that I have been victorious for at least the past seven years in not giving into these thoughts and falling into that vicious cycle again. God gave me the victory and I thank him everyday that he gave me the strength to overcome and continuing to overcome everyday.