Random Ramblings

Things have been so crazy lately, it's been hard to just sit and put my thoughts together.
I am now 24 weeks pregnant, counting down the next 16 weeks. The sickness has mostly subsided, but I still vomit from time to time and feel nauseous most evenings. Still a step up from how I was feeling, so I am BEYOND grateful.
We've sold our pool table which was a HUGE blessing and have started the rearranging to make room for baby girl. Speaking of our little princess, she is already so loved. I've been given so many things for her that I'm finding it hard to figure out where to put it all. Let's just say, she will not lack a wardrobe. AHHHHHH...so excited to have a baby girl to dress.
So what am I struggling with these days...weight gain. Before you all roll your eyes and wonder what in the world is wrong with me when pregnancy is such a blessing..let me explain. First of all, let me say I am over the moon with excitement for Baby E. I'm grateful to have another opportunity to literally have life growing inside of me. My struggle with my changing shape stems from my old enemy bulimia. Most of you already know this about me. I'm trying so hard to focus on the fact that pregnancy is beautiful, and believe me, it is on other people. ;-) There's just something in my head that makes me so sad that the numbers on the scale continue to go up. To anyone worried, baby girl is healthy and I am taking care of myself and her. It's just the internal struggle I deal with every day. It's a constant battle of just enjoying the life growing inside me and worrying about how quickly the weight will come off when I meet my precious daughter. So if I had any prayer, it would be that I would just sit back and enjoy the ride.
I have another sonogram tomorrow to make sure baby girl is growing as she should be. Judging from the bump, I'm confident everything will be fine.
One funny thing that Dex has been doing lately is talking to my belly. He basically yells into my belly button which is hilarious. He also informed me that when I get fat, he gets fat, Brett gets fat and Aaron gets fat, We'll be a fat family. He was very enthusiastic about us being a fat family. Oh to know the inner workings of that 5 year old brain.
Tonight as I was leading worship, Baby E really started moving. Perfect timing for this mommy. Love to feel her little flips, kicks and punches.
I think that's all for now. I was a bit all over the place, but I can always blame that on pregnancy brain!

Bulimia...Overcoming the Demon

Blogging is about life, so I've decided to give you a glimpse into one of the many things I've struggled with in my almost 30 years of life. Many of my close friends and family know that I struggled for years with bulimia. I'm not even sure what made me wake up one day and decide I was fat, but either way it happened and once I went down that slippery slope it was very rough to climb out of that deep dark pit of low self esteem and poor body image. Here is a poem I wrote when I was at my lowest point. Please bear with me, because I do triumph in the end. =)
A Chubby girl stares back at me as I look into the mirror.
Who is she? Could she really be me?
I pray she's not, but she's all I ever see.
"You're not skinny enough. How much did you eat today?"
In my head she taunts me until I give in.
My insides ache, pleading with me to stop, but this monster always reigns victorious.
Day in and day out, I try to gain control, 
But in the end victory goes to the enemy within.
When did my eyes lose sight of the beauty I used to see?
Why did I  fall into this suicidal trip? 
How did I become my own enemy?
After I wrote this I guess you could say I realized how messed up I was. I started digging for scriptures that could help me to see myself as God sees me, beautiful, a masterpiece he made. The scripture that truly saved my life was Psalms 139:14 "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." I began just meditating on this verse. It was the first thing I saw when I unlocked my cell phone. Then one day I sat down and wrote this poem: Promise, it's much happier.
I'm in awe of your beauty.
You are the one I created in my very image.
Eyes so blue filled with love straight from my heart.
The freckles on your face are all so perfectly placed. 
I command the sun to rise each morning in hopes of seeing you smile.
Your single dimple always gives me such delight.
You are my child, my creation.
Each day I sing over you and long to hear the sweet songs of your heart.
Your voice is a sweet melody that grows in beauty each time I hear it.
Why do you question your worth, precious one?
Nothing surpasses you in beauty.
In my sight nothing is more lovely.
Flowers, mountains, and oceans are dim in comparison to the radiant light of your beauty.
After I read this poem, I began to cry. I realized that though I wrote it, it was as if God was speaking to me reassuring me of my worth and beauty. I'm not going to lie and say that I never struggle with thoughts of being fat. I can honestly say it's a daily struggle to look in the mirror and actually be confident and what stares back at me. I can however say that I have been victorious for at least the past seven years in not giving into these thoughts and falling into that vicious cycle again. God gave me the victory and I thank him everyday that he gave me the strength to overcome and continuing to overcome everyday.