Blogging is about life, so I've decided to give you a glimpse into one of the many things I've struggled with in my almost 30 years of life. Many of my close friends and family know that I struggled for years with bulimia. I'm not even sure what made me wake up one day and decide I was fat, but either way it happened and once I went down that slippery slope it was very rough to climb out of that deep dark pit of low self esteem and poor body image. Here is a poem I wrote when I was at my lowest point. Please bear with me, because I do triumph in the end. =)
A Chubby girl stares back at me as I look into the mirror.
Who is she? Could she really be me?
I pray she's not, but she's all I ever see.
"You're not skinny enough. How much did you eat today?"
In my head she taunts me until I give in.
My insides ache, pleading with me to stop, but this monster always reigns victorious.
Day in and day out, I try to gain control,
But in the end victory goes to the enemy within.
When did my eyes lose sight of the beauty I used to see?
Why did I fall into this suicidal trip?
How did I become my own enemy?
After I wrote this I guess you could say I realized how messed up I was. I started digging for scriptures that could help me to see myself as God sees me, beautiful, a masterpiece he made. The scripture that truly saved my life was Psalms 139:14 "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." I began just meditating on this verse. It was the first thing I saw when I unlocked my cell phone. Then one day I sat down and wrote this poem: Promise, it's much happier.
I'm in awe of your beauty.
You are the one I created in my very image.
Eyes so blue filled with love straight from my heart.
The freckles on your face are all so perfectly placed.
I command the sun to rise each morning in hopes of seeing you smile.
Your single dimple always gives me such delight.
You are my child, my creation.
Each day I sing over you and long to hear the sweet songs of your heart.
Your voice is a sweet melody that grows in beauty each time I hear it.
Why do you question your worth, precious one?
Nothing surpasses you in beauty.
In my sight nothing is more lovely.
Flowers, mountains, and oceans are dim in comparison to the radiant light of your beauty.
After I read this poem, I began to cry. I realized that though I wrote it, it was as if God was speaking to me reassuring me of my worth and beauty. I'm not going to lie and say that I never struggle with thoughts of being fat. I can honestly say it's a daily struggle to look in the mirror and actually be confident and what stares back at me. I can however say that I have been victorious for at least the past seven years in not giving into these thoughts and falling into that vicious cycle again. God gave me the victory and I thank him everyday that he gave me the strength to overcome and continuing to overcome everyday.
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