He's Still Working on Me

It's been a while and life, as usual, has thrown many curve balls. It's been so long, I really have no idea where to begin.
Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you tried at something, no matter how much of your heart you poured into it, you were always going to fall short? I had honestly felt like this for so long that I seriously considered throwing in the towel completely. Luckily I gave it time and God has miraculously worked out the details, so I am still trucking along, and it appears that he's bringing me out of my comfort zone and making me more comfortable in my own skin.
People really don't understand how it is to be insecure or to have a low self esteem if they've never been there. It's honestly pretty strange how you just become that person. There were obviously people in my past (and present) that belittled and made me feel less than, but for the most part I was encouraged and lifted up. It's crazy when no matter how pretty, skinny, or talented people have told me I am, I have always had a SUPER hard time believing and seeing it for myself. That's why Psalms 139:14 has always been my favorite verse."I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are your works and that my soul knows very well."
It's amazing how scripture is truly medicine to a wounded soul and spirit. God made me, He loves me, and unlike man, His love is unconditional. Whether I've gained 5 pounds, cry about dumb stuff, or my face breaks out, He loves me just the same.
I am blessed with some of the best friends anyone could hope for or dream of. Ladies who are always there to encourage or just listen to me vent or cry. I have amazing parents who I know would do anything for me. And my hubby is pretty awesome too. I'm pretty amazed at how far God has brought him in the past 9 years we've been married.
I know I am blessed. While it's quite annoying battling with insecurity, it's also a blessing in a small way. At least I always stay humble. ;-) I guess the whole point of this blog is it's awesome to see God work in other people's lives, but it's also pretty great when you see how He's molding and changing you. He's not finished with any of us yet. As the children's song says, "He's still working on me."

The Neverending Weight Battle

I know the title made several people roll their eyes..especially coming from me. If you understand and know my past though, you'll definitely understand the title.
I've posted on here about my battle with bulimia. I was bulimic for years, but can say with complete honesty that I haven't ventured down that slippery slop in at least 10 years. While that is a huge accomplishment, sadly those thoughts never go away..at least not up to this point.
Probably within the past few months I've put on about 5 lbs. Yes I understand that's not a lot, but it's SUPER depressing when your jeans are snug and your shirts don't fit quite they way they used to. I am proud to say that I am heading down the right path to shed these extra LBs...diet and exercise. I've actually started doing the one thing I've hated my whole life...RUNNING!! That got a huge HOORAY from a few of my crazy runner friends. ;-)
The thing is when you've had a bulimic past, it's so very hard to ever view yourself as 'skinny.' Even when I was 5lbs lighter, most days I still didn't see the skinny person every one else saw and still sees. It's a sad truth, but it is what it is.
I don't want this blog post to be a huge downer, so here's what I do when I struggle. I remember the verse that got me through those dark days so long ago, "I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalms 139:14 You see, God loves me with or without the extra LBs. He doesn't measure his love by how much the scale says or how tight my pants are. He made me just the way I am.
This takes me back to something I heard at Women of Faith, "God can use your past to give someone a future." Yes it absolutely stinks that I was ever bulimic, but I am an overcomer. I'm proof that there's hope for anyone who struggles with these thoughts or actions.
I have to remember that no matter how skinny I am, I am beautiful. We're all beautiful..created in the image of our Maker.

Psalms...Just Can't Get Enough

I know I have blogged about my love for the Psalms before, but I just can't get enough.
This past week, I was having some issues sleeping. I can't really explain how I felt besides my throat was tight and it felt like there was a lump it. This caused anxiety or the anxiety caused this...who really knows? After praying for God to help me calm down so I could sleep, I began reading the Psalms. Chapter after chapter I felt the oncoming panic attack subside, and peace overwhelmed me.
After reading the following verses, it was impossible not to feel better.
Psalms 3:3-5 But You, O Lord, are a shield for me,My glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the Lord with my voice, And He heard me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept;I awoke, for the Lord sustained me.
Psalms 4:8 I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Psalms 5:11-12  Let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; Let those also who love Your name Be joyful in You. For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous; With favor You will surround him as with a shield.
It's kind of crazy, because I had already read through the Psalms once, but I feel as if I will be reading through them again. Something about the words in these particular chapters are medicine for my soul. I'm honestly not real sure what brings on these anxiety attacks, but I'm so grateful I have the tools to stop them..prayer and Psalms. Continuing to pray that these episodes disappear completely.

Work+Stress=Migraine

I try my best not to complain, because I do know that I have it so great! The past few months have been  hard, and if I could change one thing in my life...I would be SO MUCH HAPPIER!!! HaHa! Don't we all say that?
You see, to be honest, ever since my company did what they did to our family, I have been miserable at work. Aaron has been out of work for almost 3 months now, and while God has taken care of us, it doesn't make it easy for ME to go to that place everyday. Today was probably the worst day of all..I literally sat at my desk and fought tears all day. I literally hate being there that much. Last night I had another migraine episode: face numb, eyes doing something weird, head pounding...I know it's all stress related, but I can't seem to turn off the stress. I just keep praying that God will help me get through this. Most days, I can praise him any way, but other days, I find myself relating so much with the David in Psalms 69: Save Me, Oh God for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing;I have come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me. I am weary with my crying;
I know God is with me, walking right beside. It's just so very hard sometimes, and today is that day for me. The beautiful thing about it is like the song we sang at church Sunday says "I called. You answered, and You came to my rescue.." He's gently guiding me through this VERY stressful work situation and giving me the strength to work hard even though I'd rather not.
Yes, like any normal person, I want this situation to just resolve itself. I would love to go to work one day, and just magically forget that they're the reason that my husband has been unemployed for 3 months. I'd also like to forget that they don't seem to care how that effected me and still effects me.
For now, I will continue to trust God. He's been so faithful through all of this. As Romans 8:28 says: And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.  I DO love God!! =0)
I am so very grateful that I'm employed. I just have to remind myself of this a lot lately. ;0)
I've said it before, but I am just so grateful that God laid it on my heart to read the Psalms along with my daily devotion. It has made a world of difference. Saturating my heart and soul with the word is why when you see me, I don't seem all doom and gloom. I'm just human and have hard days. I know where my Hope comes from, and I know that with Him by my side, I will endure each day at the dreaded work place. ;0)

Weak Week

This was one of those weeks where I would have been 'happy' in bed with a box of tissues crying. I'm pretty sure I cried every single day this week. Thursday night I cried myself to sleep. Like I said, it was just one of those weeks where crawling into a hole and hiding from any other 'news' seemed so much better than facing the world. Obviously I was a big girl, and I made it through, but it wasn't easy.
I won't pinpoint all the tidbits of news that broke my heart or discouraged me this week, because the details don't really matter. I think that we can all relate to storm after storm, trial after trial, and desperately wishing for a break, a moment to catch our breath. Psalms 69:1-3 Save me O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing;I have come into deep waters where the floods overflow me. I am weary with my crying; My throat is dry; My eyes fail while I wait for my God." This passage resonated with me when I read it Thursday night leading to further tears.
The amazing thing to me is that while things are not magically fixed today and honestly they probably won't be tomorrow either, I am still hopeful. I've said it before, but as I continue to make it through the Psalms and listen to Praise and worship music, my heart and soul can find rest and even joy in the midst of the most tumultuous storm. This week as Kari Jobe's album was playing for the millionth time at work, the song "Find You on My Knees" came on, and as you guessed it, I started crying. These words rang so true in my heart..especially while I was at work, (my least favorite place these days.) "When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong, when the pain is real, when it's hard to heal, when my faith is shaken, and my heart is broken, and my joy is stolen, God I know that, You lift me up."
While I always try to focus on the positives in negative situations, recently I've really had to remind myself that all I have is today. There's no point in worrying about tomorrow. God has my tomorrows covered. Being "still" and knowing He is God seems to be a common theme. I always go back to that song every time I'm struggling. "When the oceans rise and thunders roll, I will soar with  you above the storm. Father you are King over the Flood. I will be still, know You are God."
I'm so very grateful that God's word is new every time I read it and how praise and worship music soothes my soul. Without that and the amazing people God has blessed me with, I would surely be lost at sea in the storms of life.