It's Time

This week it seems as if the world is going crazy. There is more violence, more hatred, more division than I have ever seen in my 34 years of life. In the midst of my fear, all I can feel is "it's time."

Time for what you ask? 

I can't speak for anyone else, but it's time for me to humble myself and repent for not loving the way I should. I haven't loved people the way I should, and I definitely haven't loved God above all. My heart is grieved and broken, I'm disappointed that I've let life steal my joy. I've let circumstances control me. I've let the trials of life steal my focus. I've let myself get discouraged, which has taken me away from the work I'm called to do. I'm called to love. I'm called to use my circumstances as a testimony to encourage someone struggling as well. I'm supposed to love people to Jesus.

It's also time for the church to tear down the religious walls dividing us all. If we can't stand as a united body, there truly is NO HOPE for this lost and dying world. We carry the hope within us. We have the answer to all of the hurt and pain. We know the healer and the comforter. We know the mender of broken hearts and the One who provides the peace that passes all understanding. It is time we share Him with our neighbors, friends, coworkers, and family. 

It's time to pray. PRAY like we've never prayed before. Prayer changes things. I've seen it. 

It's time. It's time. IT'S TIME!!! It's not going to be easy, but in our weakness, He is strong.

No more playing church. It's time to BE the church. 

The song that has been on my heart today is "Hosanna." This is my heart's cry:

Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like you have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours. Everything I am for your kingdoms cause as I walk from Earth into eternity.

2 Chronicles 7:14

if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

John 16:33

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will[a] have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.

Overcome

It's been forever since I've taken the time to write. I've thought about it, but it's been impossible to be alone with my thoughts.
Last time  I wrote Elyse Harley was a mere week old. Well she is now a chunker and almost 5 months old. I LOVE her and feel so grateful that God entrusted me to be her mommy. The boys are thriving so far this school year, but it's so hard to believe we have a baby, 1st grader and a sophomore.
How do I even begin to write about the past 5 months? I've been the happiest, most anxious, more fearful, most frustrated I've been in a very long time. I am literally all over the place these days. Trying to find the balance and keep my sanity has been extremely hard. Being proactive, but also having faith is a difficult balance to find.
It's so funny because last Sunday at church our friend Aaron led the song Overcome. Since then, I've found myself singing this song while going through everyday tasks. After struggling between anxiety and fear for months now, the words struck a chord inside me.

All authority, every victory is Yours. 

Savior, worthy of honor and glory, worthy of all our praise, You overcame. 

Jesus, awesome in power forever, Awesome and great is Your name, You Overcame. 

We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, Everyone overcome.

I think what I love about this song is that through Him, we ARE overcomers as well. My victory is in Him. My hope, my peace, my faith, my trust, my strength is in Him. Every victory: overcoming bulimia, heartbreak, illness, it's all His. None of these things would have been possible without the love and guidance of my Heavenly Father. He loved me enough to walk through every trial with me. His word gave me victory. Songs He brought to life in the hearts of others helped me through. One of my many life verses is Psalm 139:14 "I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well."  

I've been receiving little reminders daily through His word that He's got this. Whatever IT is, He'll get me through. I'm so thankful for friends who encourage and a church that truly loves me. I am truly surrounded by the best people. I'll leave you with some of the verses that have pulled me back from the ledge of anxiety and fear:

John 16:33 "These thing I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I HAVE OVERCOME the world."

Isaiah 12:2 "Behold, God is my salvation, I will TRUST and NOT be afraid;The Lord is my STRENGTH and song;He also has become my salvation."

Psalm 4:8 "I will both lie down in peace and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety."
Psalm 5:11-12 "But may all those who seek refuge in You rejoice; May they ever shout for joy, because You defend them;May those who love Your name be joyful in You. For You, Lord, will bless the righteous; You surround him with favor like a shield."

Lastly here's a quote that also made me smile this week, "The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us."

When I Break Something, I Break it Good

Most of you know that I broke my hand falling last Thursday. It's been painful and quite hard learning how to wash and dry my hair with one hand among other things you just take for granted. Of course when I break a bone it's going to be in my dominant hand.
I went to the orthopedic surgeon today, and he seems to think surgery is the best option for my finger healing properly. There's another procedure they can do, but there's no guarantee that I'll have full function or that it will heal properly.
Needless to say this news was a shock considering I anticipated them just splinting it and calling it a day. I cried all the way into work. No one likes surgery, but especially not when they're 29 weeks pregnant.
My OB has approved the surgery and as of right now it is scheduled for Thursday. We are going for a 2nd opinion tomorrow morning. I'm not sure what outcome I'm hoping for though. If he agrees with the other doctor, it'll be an easy decision. However, if he doesn't, who's opinion do I trust more?
Please pray for wisdom. I really don't want to risk hurting baby E. She's definitely more important to me than a crooked pinky. I will have to be put under for the surgery and that makes me super nervous.
Thank for your prayers! I'll update as soon as we've made our final decision.

Am I qualified?

So have you ever felt like maybe you're just not cut out to do something? You've given it your whole heart, but maybe your whole heart isn't enough? That's kind of where I'm at right now.
I'm trying so hard to decipher if it's me feeling like something is too hard or if I'm better in the background. After all, a leader doesn't have to be out in front speaking out and giving instructions. Sometimes you are leading just as much by being quiet and just walking the walk.
The fact of the matter is it's hard for me to picture myself as a leader. That's my dilemma though. I'M my worst enemy. I keep going back to what I heard back at women of faith, "YOU are more than you know." Could this message apply to me right now? Is it fear that's making me second guess that I'm right where I need to be? Am I being asked to step way too far out of my comfort zone?
I've grown so much..through bible study, leading worship, and even an additional book I'm reading has given me so much insight. Is this another part of growing pains that I've yet to experience?
I know God's plans for us far exceed anything we would ever think ourselves worthy or strong enough for. With that, I guess I continue to seek, worship, and love on Him, and I'm sure the answer to all these doubts and fears are right in front of me. Worship is a part of my day to day life. I AM a worshiper. It's in my heart and soul and there's nothing more I'd rather do all day everyday. Is that ALL it takes to do and be all I can be for Him? Are those all the qualifications I need....a heart that hungers and thirsts for His presence?

Tragedy Around the Corner

This week has been so emotional. It's always so terrible to hear of tragedies, but it's a completely different reality when it's around the corner from your house. I'm not going to get into any details, because they don't matter, and I'd rather not repeat them. I wish I didn't know, honestly.
The fact of the matter is, I HATE that this happened. I HATE that I can't drive through my neighborhood without crying. All the purple ribbons are amazing, but it's a reminder at every corner of the tragedy that rocked our community. The curbside memorial is so very sweet, but every time I drive passed it the tears begin to stream down my cheeks.
It's the worst talking to your 13 year old and having to tell him what happened, how that monster is still on the loose. I tell him we just have to know that God is walking with us and protecting us, but at the same time there's no way to explain WHY this happened to THIS child. I told him we live in a country that is turning it's back more and more from God, and we just have to pray that people turn back to Him. We pray, that's all we can do. I also explain that unfortunately there are just some things that we'll never understand in this life.
I can't explain the dilemma that goes through my head about walking through our neighborhood. Dex and I were starting to really enjoy our walks. I know we're not supposed to live in fear, but at the same time, I don't want to put mine or my child's life in danger. It's just sucks...I know that's a terrible word, but what else can I say? 

The night this tragedy happened, my devotion was Psalms 23. I love how God is right on time. Psalms 23:4 "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For you are with me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

I have been playing 2 songs over and over in my car since this happened, and I realize I have posted these before. The first song is "In Better Hands" and the second, "Our Hope Endures," both by Natalie Grant. "In Better Hands" says, "There's no fear when the night comes around. I'm in better hands now. It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pourin' down. It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground. So take this heart of mine There's no doubt I'm in better hands now."

"Our Hope Endures" says, "Emanuel, God is with us. El Shaddai, all sufficient. We never walk alone and this is our hope. Our hope endures."

I'm so grateful for the hope and peace I have in Jesus. I can't lie and say I don't feel uneasy, sick, angry, and devastated, but I know He feels it too, and He will walk all of us through this if we just lean on Him.