More Than Able

I've had a couple of things on my heart lately, and it all started when our church sang the song "More Than Able" during a worship set a couple of weeks ago. As you probably guessed, I started crying. I didn't quite understand why, but after hearing the song again last night at a women's conference, it started to make a little more sense. The message from last nights conference also opened my eyes a bit more.

Many who are close to me know that 2023 was probably the worst year I've ever experienced. My heart broke in ways that I never knew possible. I was overwhelmed with sadness more times than I can count, and honestly some days those waves still pull me under. The lyrics to this song were kind of a punch in the gut. 

When I did I start to forget all of the great things that You did?

When did I throw away faith for the impossible?

How did I start to believe You weren't sufficient for me?

Why do I talk myself  out of seeing miracles?

Many don't discuss how hard it is when you pray and believe for a miracle, and God's way is different. We are quiet about how soul crushing that can be. It's an odd thing to trust but also have doubts you can't shake. I know God is able, but it hurts so bad when He doesn't. 

I think the lyrics of this song struck me, because I had let those doubts take root in my heart. It's hard to admit. It feels so frustrating, since I've literally experienced the miraculous in my life. 

Last night at the conference, we talked about being rooted, planted firmly, so that when the storms of life blow, we might bend, but we won't break. We also discussed continuing, pushing through when it's hard, not giving up. We were never told it would be easy. When you think about it, we were told often how hard the race of life would be. 

I'm so grateful that while the last 9 months have been so difficult, I have been surrounded by the most amazing community. There were moments that I thought I would break, but guess what, I'm still standing. While my faith has been rocked, I know that God is more than able. I really can't deny all the great things He's done in my life, the miracles I've witnessed in my life and in the lives of those around me. 

I do truly believe that He is all I need. My heart just needed to be reminded. Don't give up, friends! Continue, and when you get tired, I pray you have those around you who hold you up until you can stand on your own again. 

2023 Tried, but it Didn't Take Me Down

 As 2023 rapidly comes to a close, I would be lying if I didn't say that I am beyond happy to see this year end. If I could sum up this year with one word it would be devastating. Devastating loss after devastating loss, health scares, financial struggles, so many tears..it was a doozy for sure. 

It's so odd to be able to describe the year as devastating, but there's also so much good that came out of this year. My precious Elyse decided to follow Jesus and be baptized. I found an amazing job with the best coworkers. While I already knew I had some of the best friends, those friendships certainly deepened over this year. I've learned what it truly means to walk though the deepest pits with the people I love so so much. I discovered that I am a person that people lean on and count on. What a privilege that is. 

My relationship with the Lord has deepened as well. I have prayed like I've never prayed before. I have read through the bible with one of my favorites. I've also discovered again how truly perfect God's timing is. God is in every detail, and it leaves me in awe over and over again. How people make it through life without Jesus, I will never understand. I'm so grateful that I don't have to. You don't either. ;-)

When I think of 2024, I can only pray that it's less painful. 2023 did teach me that tomorrow is not promised, so I plan to make sure I love my people with everything I have. I don't want to waste any moments. I want to be more intentional with my time. I also want to be kinder to myself. I've always struggled so much with image issues, not feeling good enough. While I've come a long way from where I used to be, I am praying that I don't waste my time on those thoughts this year. 

I mostly pray that when I look back on 2024, that I will be able to say that I am not who I was at the beginning. I want to follow Jesus with all I have, study and learn His word, have an intentional prayer life, be a better mom, wife and friend. Maybe I'll even become a better musician this year! 

Happy New Year, friends! May we all experience the love, peace, hope and joy that is found in Jesus! I pray you're also surrounded by the greatest of friends who will walk with you through the highs and lows of life. I am one blessed lady. 2023 tried but it didn't take me down. 

Sparks of Hope and Joy

   I'm really trying to make this a weekly thing, but time just keeps flying by with no time to sit and write. Since I wrote last, I am happy to report I am doing so much better. I am eating 3 times a day and I'm no longer crying ever day.  As my sweet friend told me, she's happy that I'm crying just my normal amount now. :) I'm no longer having dizzy spells and my blood work came back completely normal. Praise the Lord!

    I can only credit God and some of the best friends in the whole entire world for how I'm feeling now, because the world is still so heavy, and my friends are still hurting. I have realized that it's not my job to carry the weight of everyones burdens around with me daily. Yes, it's my job to be there, really be there. The best friend I can be is to be there, and then battle for my precious people on my knees. Jesus loves them more than I ever could, and I truly believe He will see them through it all.     

    Hope and joy are strange things. I had definitely fallen into a pit of deep sadness without really noticing, but there were still sparks of hope and joy. To most, I seemed to still have it all together. It was in those times when people truly asked and wanted to know how I was doing that I began to realize that I couldn't really speak without crying. A little advice...be a person who truly wants to know how people are. It's so incredibly precious to know you're cared for. 

    A couple of weeks ago I learned a song to lead during worship called "Ancient Gates." I have 2 favorite lyrics. "Every tear is wiped away. We'll know no sorrow. Worship Him with joyful sound. Sing until your voice gives out." Then in the chorus it says, "Bring Him every prayer soaked lyric." In my case, tear soaked lyric is more accurate, but as the song states, "Jesus He's so worthy of it all." He's so worthy and not just in the good times. Honestly, He's more good in the hard times. He never leaves. He's always there. He's the only reason that I know my friends will be okay. He's the reason I can smile in the midst of great sorrow. 

    "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

    

Maybe I'm Not Okay...But I Will Be

 It's been so long since I've written anything other than a Facebook post. I often forget how much I love writing, how therapeutic and healing it can be.  Maybe it's the outlet I've been missing.

I won't go into the details of all that's happened over the last 6 months, but it's been a lot of hard. There have been devastating losses, heartbreaking phone calls, health scares, and the many regular stresses that exist from being an adult, a parent.

It's so crazy how you can power through, feeling like you're handling everything great, until you realize that you're not. I've been having spells of being light headed for maybe a month. The last 2 weeks, they became daily and several times a day. I finally went to the doctor and had blood work done to finally figure out what in the world was going on with me.

As I was answering the doctor's questions, I began to realize that maybe all that I'd been dealing with was tied to all the big emotions I'd been dealing with or perhaps not dealing with. As I told her of all that had happened over the last 6 months, my eyes started to fill with tears. Then she asked me about my eating. That's when it hit me that I hadn't really been eating any meal other than dinner consistently. Sadly the first thought that popped into my head upon this realization was how am I not skinnier then? Those old thoughts that lead me to bulimia over a decade ago never seem to completely disappear. 

After my doctor's visit, I began to realize that I had been so consumed with everything going on around me, I just stopped paying attention to how I was actually doing. I had just been going through everyday trying to be everything I felt I needed to be for everyone else, that I lost myself a bit along the way. 

I've been crying a lot for many reasons, but recently it was over how I got to this point. How does one not even realize that maybe they're not doing their best? How do get to a point where you feel guilty for not being okay? 

Sometimes I feel like a fraud, but at the same time, I do truly believe in the hope and joy that I have through Jesus. Honestly, He is the only reason I'm not curled up in the fetal position crying in a dark room. I've just realized that it's still okay to be sad. It's okay to reach out when you're not okay. We are to share one another burdens, because we are all going through something. How close is a friendship if you aren't willing to be honest about how you're truly doing? 

I'm so grateful that God is big enough to carry it all. He cares about my pain and heartbreak even though I feel it's so much less significant than what my closest friends are facing. He knows and sees every tear I've cried. He loves me and all my mess, and He also loves and cares for my friends better than I ever could. 

I've realized I've been carrying or attempting to carry the weight of all the loss and sadness. It's not in my strength or my power to do that. I love being there for the people I love, and I forever will be. I need to do a better job at laying it all at Jesus' feet and trusting that He's got it covered. 

If you've made it this far, I am okay. I will be okay. I just have to do some reassessing of all that I've let slip in the midst of all the hard. A verse that's been a huge comfort is John 16:33: These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good courage, I have overcome the world. <3 

Jesus is the answer. I will keep worshipping, keep praying, keep trusting, and keep reading His word. He is so faithful. 

Step out in Faith and Follow

I'm not even sure where to begin. Writing has always been something I love, but it's always the first thing to go when life gets crazy, and boy is life crazy these days. There's so much going on, and sometimes it feels beyond overwhelming. So tonight, while the kids are getting along, I write.
There have been so many things on my heart lately. Most of them I've continued to ignore because I'm just too tired to follow through. That has changed recently. For the last year, I feel like I've been in a rut, not making a real difference in my day to day to life. I've just been existing, stuck in the routine of the tasks from day to day. It's so frustrating feeling unfulfilled. A couple of years ago now, I felt led to start a women's group. We met once or twice, and then I let myself get too busy. It became a daunting obligation that I didn't want to make time for anymore. That has changed now. I have started the group again, and we will meet for the first time in July. I'm super stoked to begin and really don't feel stressed about it at all. It's a relief to know I'm walking out what I believe to be a calling on my life.
Another thing I never thought I would do was start my own stream. My husband and one of our dear friends started streaming over a year ago. The impact they are making is incredible. Aaron has been pushing me to start a worship channel, and I streamed for the first time on Monday. It was a bit overwhelming and scary, but something happens when I begin to sing and worship. I've realized after many years of being my worst critic, that one of the main ingredients of being a great worship leader is the heart behind the leading. Am I the best singer? Nope. Am I the best musician? HA, absolutely not! BUT, do I love Jesus and singing praises to His name? More than anything. It's such a huge burden lifted when you realize that it's not about you. If the focus is truly on the One you're singing about, people will follow and they will recognize the counterfeit. It's weird being a leader who hates people looking at her. It's also still very strange to me that I am a leader. Then again, I do believe we should all be leading someone.
I'm so grateful for all that God has given me. I get so caught up in what's going on in the moment and forget to look at all the good around me. I am privileged to lead worship. What an honor it is to do something that I've loved since I was a child standing on a chair singing in church. How amazing is it to have a platform online to sing songs of hope to those who feel hopeless? I'm still baffled that anyone would watch, but then again, I'm also shocked that anyone would want to come to a women's group lead by me. HA! God truly does work in mysterious ways, using someone awkward and uncomfortable ...a person who hates people looking at them.
I guess I write all this to encourage you. Don't just exist. Follow your God-given passions. They are passions for a reason. We serve a limitless God who can do wonderful things through those who will step out in faith and follow.

Merry Go Round

     I feel like I need to write, but for some reason I don't really know what to say. Life has been tough recently, pretty much all of 2018.What I had hoped would be the year of awesome, has become the year of random ailments. I have questioned everything about what I'm doing this year.
I've come very close to just quitting, not on life, but specifically leading worship more times than I can even count. Do I still love playing, singing, worshipping....ABSOLUTELY!!! I've just been so exhausted, drained...how can you give when you feel you've already been completely depleted? I guess you could say I've been running pretty close to empty for the last couple of months.
     The craziest part about it all is I really don't have a lot to complain about or anything to truly be unhappy about. I just can't seem to handle stress well or control my anxiety.
Before anyone feels the need to guess what I'm doing wrong, I am reading my bible, praying, listening to worship music and seeking God. I feel sometimes, that is the reason I feel so much opposition.  I'm also working out to help relieve my anxiety and stress levels. Somehow I still feel stuck in this place of exhaustion.
     What I'm realizing is maybe I put too much pressure on myself. When I'm off from work, if I can, I still feel the need to answer emails. Today I actually had to force myself to  not look at work emails. I stress about what I might have missed before I clocked out for some much needed time off. I find myself logging in a day early to catch up so I'm not overwhelmed when I come back. Is anyone asking me to do this? No, I just feel the need to prove that I'm worth keeping around...typing that makes even me question what in the world my problem is.
     I feel like I've had an epiphany just typing that. That seems to be what all my issues stem from...proving I'm worthy....that I'm good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. It's been a constant merry go round. Comparison can be such a defeating thing. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."Eleanor Roosevelt. 
     I've spent my life allowing everyone to make me feel inferior. My life verse is Psalm 139:14 I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works and that my soul knows very well. I know that God does not make mistakes. He created me with one dimple, the ability to cry at the drop of hat, blue eyes, a tender heart...He created me, ME, for a specific plan and purpose.Comparison only keeps me from truly chasing after His plan for my life. Instead of reaching my full potential, I'm crippled by wondering if I'm good enough to complete the task at hand.
   

Health Struggles and The Garden

I hesitate to write this. I never want to seem like I'm complaining or whining. I am very much aware that there are those in desperate situations that I could never even begin to imagine or comprehend. This is where I've been struggling lately.

I have probably been feeling awful for about a month now. My symptoms have been all over the place: chest pain, chest tightness, numbness in arms, feeling like my throat is closing in, nausea, etc. I went to the ER a week ago, because I was so afraid I was having a heart attack. A couple of days later my symptoms seemed to worsen, so I made an appointment with my doctor. I was diagnosed with some sort of stomach bacteria. This was causing a lot of the pain along with some awful reflux. I am on a steroid and 3 antibiotics right now, and unfortunately those come with their own set of side effects.

Tonight I had some sort of episode. It hurt to touch my skin, my throat felt swollen, and my whole body was just achy. In situations like these, I struggle with whether I'm crazy or if there's really something wrong. It's so hard to explain to Aaron why I'm freaking out, and that in freaking out, I'm making my symptoms worse.

After popping a couple of Benadryl and doing some stretches to calm myself down, I decided a bath with candles and music couldn't hurt anything. As Kari Jobe's song "The Garden" started playing I couldn't help the tears. "Love is lifting me from sorrow, catching every tear. Dispelling every lie and torment, crushing all my fears. You crush all my fears with Your perfect love." Honestly I've been so afraid lately. So terrified that something is seriously wrong. Even with my diagnosis and the medicines helping, I can't seem to get passed these random episodes.

Taking that bath tonight, crying, worshiping, reading the psalms helped so much. Letting the lyrics wash over me while declaring the truth over my life and my situation, began to tear down those walls of fear that I've had for years regarding my health. I will not be defeated, and I refuse to let fear paralyze me.

The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, A refuge in times of trouble. And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.         Psalm 9:9

A New Vision

I've always wanted to be the faithful blogger, but I guess that's just not me. I had the pleasure of leading worship at a women's retreat at the beginning of this month. It was such an amazing time. Broken hearts were mended, chains were broken, lives were restored. It was such a lovely time listening to amazing women share their stories and what God has brought them out of. They shared their dreams and where they felt God was leading. The song that was on my heart while preparing for the weekend was "He Loves Us." While the chorus is so simple, the words are powerful. It's so easy to get swept away while singing with your whole heart "He Loves Us, Oh how He loves Us." I often think we sing lyrics without understanding the magnitude of what we're actually saying. The creator of the Heavens and the Earth loves ME. WOW!! :)

Prior to the retreat, I really felt in my heart that I needed to start a women's group. I've always been hesitant to step out and do something like this, because like most women I question my worth and what I have to even offer. So many of my friends are hurting right now and life has been pretty hard the last couple of months for my family. Even if it's just me and those friends, I wanted to offer a time of worship, prayer, and encouragement. I feel as women we tend to tear each other down, compare ourselves to one another instead of building each other up. Being a mom is hard. Being a wife is hard. Just feeling like enough is hard. I'm not real sure what this group will end up looking like, but I just know in my heart it's something I need to do.

 I often question my ability to lead worship, but I truly feel like it is part of the calling on my life. I've also had a heart for women. I've been broken, struggled with self worth, and feeling the need to be different, someone other than who I am. It's so important to know that others share your struggles. Someone has walked your path or one very similar. Being real is so important.

So my dear friends, please pray as I start planning and preparing for this group. Pray that each woman that attends will feel loved and leave feeling encouraged. I want this to be a safe place to share, a house of healing.

A Little Transparency

I've been struggling for a while now. I'm not really sure why, but I've been in this constant state of funkiness. I've always been the worst about comparing myself to other people. She/He sings better than me, she's skinnier, prettier, smarter....and on and on and on.
I feel silly for the constant struggle. I mean I'm a 35 year old woman who still constantly struggles with insecurity, feeling good enough and valued.  The worst part about it is I have an amazing husband who loves me so much. He's encouraging, he compliments me, he loves me the way I should be loved. I have beautiful, healthy children. I have the privilege of leading worship at church, a great job,and some of he best friends a girl could ask for, so WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!??!
At church we've been talking about the devil...our enemy and adversary.  He knows how to get to us. He knows how to get us in the way of ourselves. I've talked before about the years I struggled with bulimia. It's crazy that even though it's been 13 or more years since I've done it, I still struggle when I look in the mirror, when I go shopping for clothes. I always feel the need to run 1 or 2 more miles, and beat myself up over what I ate or drank. I'm constantly reminded of past mistakes. I know I've been forgiven, but again, it's so hard to forgive myself.
Lately I've just wanted to throw in the towel. Before you freak out, I don't mean life in general. Leading worship has been the main thing that I go back and forth on whether or not I should continue. I LOVE LOVE LOVE worship. It's who I am, and it's what I do. But lately, I haven't been sure that's enough reason to continue doing it, leading it. I've been tired, exhausted, which sounds strange, because worship is supposed to be one of the easiest ways to serve in the church,right? Ha ha! Sometimes rather than leading, I just want to sit back and be lead myself. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me. I will never stop worshiping. I've never needed a microphone for that. God is so worthy. He's brought me out of so much, and that's why I will always sing praises to Him.
Sometimes I wish the same struggles didn't constantly rear their ugly heads,  but at the same time, they work, so why would it need to change.
Today at church was what I needed. I'm broken and very much in need of a Savior. I'm so grateful that in my weakness, He becomes strong. I'm thankful that He is enough. I can rest in Him. He is hope, He is love, He is all I need.
I think it's so important to be real with each other. The beauty of the body of Christ is that we are here to bear one another's burdens, to pray for each other, and lift each other up. I don't ever want it to seem like I have it all together, because I know, for me, those are the people I would never confide in. I want to be an ear for those who are struggling, a safe place to go.
I didn't share this to be a discouragement. I know God has me. I know my family has me. I know that whatever THIS is, is preparing me for the next assignment He has for me.  I'm just going to keep seeking His will for my life.

Same Struggle, A Different Day

I get so mad at myself sometimes for struggling with the same thing over and over and over. At some point I really want to look in the mirror and like what I see. It's so weird the damage that can be done from words from so long ago. Those words lead to years of bulimia, and no matter where I am weight wise, I can't seem to be happy.
I've been thinner and heavier than I am now, and I can honestly say that at no point in those times have I been confident in my own skin. I'm honestly mad at myself for being this way. It's something I have to overcome for myself and now my daughter. That is my goal this year. Not only do I want to meet fitness goals, but I also want to learn to truly love myself no matter where I am.
I have a husband who loves me just the way I am, sons who tell me I'm beautiful, and it's time I BELIEVE it.
While this has been a constant battle, I am so happy that even in the times I felt the worst I haven't reverted back to bulimia. I know that's not the answer, and that it will only make me feel worse. It's been 12+ years since the last time, and I don't plan on traveling that road ever again. I thank God so much for giving me the strength to overcome that.
Instead of whining, I've started moving. For the past three weeks I've been in Fitbit challenges which has encouraged me to move more than I normally would. The next thing I plan on doing is changing my diet. Of course along with the outward stuff, I'm also working on the inside. I'm reading the bible, worshiping and truly focusing on what's important, Him. I can't let my struggles make me lose focus on the reason I'm here to begin with, to show everyone His love.
The passage I always go back to in times like these is Psalms 139. While I love the whole chapter, my favorite part is this: 14 I will give thanks to you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;wonderful are your works and my soul knows it very well. 17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, Oh God. 18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
The struggle is real folks, but I am confident that with prayer, worship, and the word, I will be victorious through Him.

King of the World

The past couple of weeks have been hard. We got some bad news regarding Aaron's job, we seem to be catching one sickness after the other, and then there's everyone facing such heavy stuff around me. My heart hurts, and I'm exhausted.

Today, finding out one of Dexter's classmates lost her mom, really broke me. I don't know the little girl, and I didn't know her mom, but it just hurts me to know that someone Dexter's age is facing such a gut wrenching loss. I find myself praying the family knows Jesus, and that in the midst of this incredible heartache,they still have hope.

I recently started listening to Kari Jobe's newest album, The Garden. Knowing the stories behind many of the songs , makes me wish I could send everyone hurting or in a rough spot a copy. The title track says this, "Faith is rising up like ivy reaching for the light. Hope is stirring up inside me making all things right. Love is lifting me from sorrow catching every tear. Dispelling every lie and torment crushing all my fears.You crush all my fears with Your perfect love."

I guess more than ever before it's so obvious how fragile life is. It truly is a vapor, here one moment and gone the next. In the midst of all the suffering and trials, there is a hope. There is a Savior that makes beauty from our ashes. He gives gladness for our mourning, and a peace that passes all understanding. He knows the tears we cry, and He cares.

There are so many things in this life I don't understand. So many things I will never understand. One of the many songs that has been on my heart lately is "King of the World" by Natalie Grant. It puts it so simply. "When did I forget that you've always been the King of the world? Try to take life back, right out of the hands of the King of the world. How could I make you so small when You're the one that holds it all?When did I forget that you've always been the King of the world?" His ways are not my ways, but I do trust that He loves me and He is good even when I don't understand.

Hello 2017

I've wanted to write for so long, but I could never get my words together to say what's been on my heart and mind lately.

First of all, I've been struggling a lot lately. It's not because of anyone or anything, but I've been questioning what I should be doing. Am I where God wants me to be? Are the gifts and talents I have really worth sharing? Am I making a difference? Does what I'm doing even matter? The funny thing about God is He always sends what we need. I was seriously ready to throw in the towel, take a little break to regroup. Around that time, I received the sweetest card in the mail just telling me I was appreciated. It was so very encouraging. Before you criticize me for seeking my worth in 'man's opinions', it's really not that at all. It was the little nudge I needed to keep fighting and worshiping with all my heart. 

This new year, I decided I really needed to become more intentional in my prayer life. There is so much hurting, and I really wanted to make sure that I was taking each and every need to the Lord. I have never wanted to be one of those people who comments praying one minute and then never thinks about it again. I have re-started my prayer journal. I plan on looking at it at the beginning of next year to see what God has done. I actually read the prayers I had written down last year. I had actually  been praying for a way to stay home and be a stay at home mom, God didn't answer exactly how I saw, but I do WORK from home now which is equally awesome!! I thank God that he knew exactly what I needed, and allowed my other job to force me out in order to find something SO MUCH BETTER!!

My goal this year is to live my life as a worshiper. There are so many songs that reflect my heart right now. One is ''Your praise will ever be on my lips." God has already done so much for me. I always have a reason to praise Him. The other is ''It's Your breath in our lungs,so we'll pour out our praise." Basically it's the same theme. He is worthy no matter what life throws at me. He literally gives me breath, so why in the world would I not praise Him?

The last lyrics that really struck a chord with me tonight as I worshiped were these: 

Our  God is Lion, the Lion of Judah.

He's roaring in power and fighting our battles,

And every knee will bow before Him.

Our God is the Lamb, the Lamb that was slain

For the sins of the world His blood breaks the chains,

And every knee will bow before the Lion and the Lamb.

This year is already beginning to look a lot like last year did. There is lots of uncertainty right around the corner, but I am so grateful that I can look back and see all God has brought me and my family through. If He did it then, he will certainly bring us through this time.  I will continue seeking his face in prayer, worship and His word. 

"I had a Bad Day"

Today has been a day. I've cried more today than I have in a very long time. The crazy part is most of it was literally nothing worthy of my tears. Something about work really got to me. I thought I did something wrong, but I actually did exactly what I was told to do. See no reason for tears.
I went to chiropractor today which I was SO looking forward to. For at least a week, I've been waking up in the middle of the night barely able to move because my back is in so much pain. While I know what was done today will help, I'm at the point where it's WORSE before it gets better. The adjustment also triggered a terrible migraine that had me crying as well. I napped for a couple of hours, but the pain is still there. Honestly, I'm just so ready to feel better.
My weight is not where I want it to be, and that has been a constant internal battle as well. This is another reason I just want to feel better. It's so hard to get moving when you're hurting. I'm so thankful for a husband who is constantly telling me how beautiful I am. I'm also grateful that today when he came home and saw me crying, he just told me to get up so we could hug it out. I'm a lucky lady even though he thinks he's the lucky one.
I'm sure you're all very grateful for the depressing blog post. Here's the deal though, in spite of all the doom and gloom, I'm still so grateful.
I finally have a job that allows me to work from home pretty much all week. Anyone who knows me knows it's always been my dream to stay home and be available for my kiddos.  Now I have have that luxery. I'm even getting some extra exercise since I'm able to walk Dexter to and from school. While Elyse can't be home with me, I'm right down the road and available if her or my mom need anything. It's crazy to finally get the job I never dreamed would be possible. What's even more awesome is that I've only been there for 5 months. Even crazier is how uneasy I was about taking a job in Grapevine since I hate driving. So grateful for my sweet friend Sarah on the inside who told me this was a company worth driving to. Totally an answer to prayers.
I guess I wrote this mostly to show that I don't have it together all the time. People assume that since I lead worship, that somehow that exempts me from struggles. I don't ever want anyone to think that my life is perfect. I get angry, sad,anxious and man do I struggle sometimes. I've always found it hard opening up to people who appear to have it all together. That's why it's so important that we're real with each other. How can we carry each other's burdens if we walk around acting like life is rainbows and butterflies all the time? It's just not possible. It's time to be real.
I'm so grateful for the Godly friendships and family I have. I'm grateful for the prayers that go up for me daily. I'm grateful,  but yes, like any normal person, I too have those days where crawling in a dark hole sounds amazing.

It's Time

This week it seems as if the world is going crazy. There is more violence, more hatred, more division than I have ever seen in my 34 years of life. In the midst of my fear, all I can feel is "it's time."

Time for what you ask? 

I can't speak for anyone else, but it's time for me to humble myself and repent for not loving the way I should. I haven't loved people the way I should, and I definitely haven't loved God above all. My heart is grieved and broken, I'm disappointed that I've let life steal my joy. I've let circumstances control me. I've let the trials of life steal my focus. I've let myself get discouraged, which has taken me away from the work I'm called to do. I'm called to love. I'm called to use my circumstances as a testimony to encourage someone struggling as well. I'm supposed to love people to Jesus.

It's also time for the church to tear down the religious walls dividing us all. If we can't stand as a united body, there truly is NO HOPE for this lost and dying world. We carry the hope within us. We have the answer to all of the hurt and pain. We know the healer and the comforter. We know the mender of broken hearts and the One who provides the peace that passes all understanding. It is time we share Him with our neighbors, friends, coworkers, and family. 

It's time to pray. PRAY like we've never prayed before. Prayer changes things. I've seen it. 

It's time. It's time. IT'S TIME!!! It's not going to be easy, but in our weakness, He is strong.

No more playing church. It's time to BE the church. 

The song that has been on my heart today is "Hosanna." This is my heart's cry:

Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like you have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours. Everything I am for your kingdoms cause as I walk from Earth into eternity.

2 Chronicles 7:14

if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

John 16:33

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will[a] have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.

Surgery day and Post Op

So last time I wrote I was preparing for Elyse's surgery. Monday will be 2 weeks and she's doing incredible. I haven't really shared about surgery day, so I thought I would since it was pretty amazing.
After they wheeled her back, we went into the waiting area. We just happened to sit by someone reading his bible. Before we knew it, him and a member from his church were having a bible study right next to us. An elder from his church prayed with us, and then we ended up talking to the pastor's wife for a long time.
Say what you will, but these people were totally a God send. Elyse's procedure was supposed to only be an hour, and it ended up taking about 2 1/2 hours. Had we not sat right where we did, I would have been so anxious wondering what was taking so long. While I did check the time more than once, we were captivated by our conversation. Aaron and the man who's son was also having surgery exchanged numbers right before we went back to see Elyse. I think what was most encouraging to me was how at peace the man was. His son was having brain surgery,MAJOR surgery, but yet, him and his church family were such an encouragement to us. God is so good. His timing is perfect, and he knew exactly what I needed that day.
While I was a peace during her procedure, I completely fell apart when I saw her afterwards. It's so hard to see your baby hurting and knowing there's really nothing you can do. We've made it through the worst of it, and she is still my perfect, beautiful, princess. Mommy is praying for no scaring which is probably a silly prayer. I just know how critical I am of myself, and I don't ever want my baby girl to doubt how beautiful she is.
Being a mommy to a girl is definitely a whole new experience. It's forcing me to choose my words carefully. It's also making me realize that I don't ever want Elyse to be as critical of herself as I have been of myself. I don't ever want her to doubt her worth and that she's fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am so grateful for my relationship with God and the wonderful support system I have. I truly can't imagine life without Jesus and praying friends.

You Make Me Brave

I've needed to write for a while now.. It's been so hard, because honestly I've been a mess for weeks now. I think the reason I hesitated for so long is because I didn't want to come off as whiny or faithless.
The truth is, everything I've been feeling and going through is absolutely normal. There's also no reason to be ashamed of feeling anxious, scared, heartbroken, sad, and defeated. The problem is staying that way and dwelling in those feelings and letting them consume you.
As a mother, it's so hard to see your child go through anything. A cough, cold, anything that makes our children uncomfortable, breaks our mommy hearts. Lately I've felt like I've needed to apologize for feeling sad about Elyse's MRI last week and her surgery tomorrow. The truth is, I don't. Honestly, I don't want to feel ashamed for being a concerned parent, a mommy who loves her baby girl and wants more than anything to keep her from the pain she'll be going through.
While I can't promise I won't cry at some point tomorrow, I do feel like God reminded me of a few things over the passed couple of days. First of all, with as much as I love Elyse, HE loves her SO MUCH MORE. He wants her safe, happy and whole, much more than even Aaron and I do. He loves me as well, and wants to give me  His peace.
On the way to church this morning, I heard the song, "You Make Me Brave." While I've always loved this song, it had me crying all the way to church. As I was sing/crying along, the lyrics really spoke to me. "You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the love that made away. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises You made." He is FOR me, He is NOT against me, and I am so very grateful for that. I'm grateful that through Him I can be brave and face whatever life throws my way.
I've said this before but I think it's worth repeating. Jesus cares about YOU. He loves YOU. He died for YOU. What hurts you matters to HIM.  Though I know Elyse's situation is not anything compared to what others are facing, even so, my heavenly Father wants to give me His peace that passes all understanding. He wants me to cast my burden on Him. He wants me to put Elyse in His arms and let Him carry her through this, carry us all through this.
I can't thank all my friends enough for checking in on me, listening to me, loving me, and praying for me. You have no idea what that means to me. I truly believe those prayers are keeping me sane and making me brave. :-)

He is Enough

It's been so long since I've even thought about writing on here. Life is so busy, and seems to be going by so quickly. There just hasn't been time to sit and gather my thoughts.
There are so many wonderful blessings in my life, but there are also so many I love suffering from life's most painful blows. My heart hurts and it's so heavy. I don't understand why things have to be the way they are sometimes. I hate that so many of our questions will never be answered on this side of Heaven. It angers me so much to watch my friends desires be shattered like broken glass. Even so, I know God is good.
It's so funny how things work. One of my dearest friends and I were riding to a housewarming party for another friend of mine. We were enjoying catching up, but also discussing some frustrations and confusion. The next thing I know, I'm being pulled over for speeding. It took everything in me not to cry. The officer took my license, and then came back to my  car and let me go with a warning. Sheila and I both immediately thanked God for His grace and mercy.
There are so many times this has happened. Just yesterday, I was so frustrated over how things were being handled with my job that's ending in a week. By the end of the day I had a job offer to work at the company one of my best friends works for. Again I say, God is SO good.
All day I've been hearing the song "Good, Good Father" by Chris Tomlin. It's just a reminder that God IS good and He DOES love us. His ways ARE perfect. We might not understand, but He is good no matter what we are going through. The honest truth is if I never receive another blessing, He still deserves all of my worship and praise. He is enough. His love is enough.

Overcome

It's been forever since I've taken the time to write. I've thought about it, but it's been impossible to be alone with my thoughts.
Last time  I wrote Elyse Harley was a mere week old. Well she is now a chunker and almost 5 months old. I LOVE her and feel so grateful that God entrusted me to be her mommy. The boys are thriving so far this school year, but it's so hard to believe we have a baby, 1st grader and a sophomore.
How do I even begin to write about the past 5 months? I've been the happiest, most anxious, more fearful, most frustrated I've been in a very long time. I am literally all over the place these days. Trying to find the balance and keep my sanity has been extremely hard. Being proactive, but also having faith is a difficult balance to find.
It's so funny because last Sunday at church our friend Aaron led the song Overcome. Since then, I've found myself singing this song while going through everyday tasks. After struggling between anxiety and fear for months now, the words struck a chord inside me.

All authority, every victory is Yours. 

Savior, worthy of honor and glory, worthy of all our praise, You overcame. 

Jesus, awesome in power forever, Awesome and great is Your name, You Overcame. 

We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, Everyone overcome.

I think what I love about this song is that through Him, we ARE overcomers as well. My victory is in Him. My hope, my peace, my faith, my trust, my strength is in Him. Every victory: overcoming bulimia, heartbreak, illness, it's all His. None of these things would have been possible without the love and guidance of my Heavenly Father. He loved me enough to walk through every trial with me. His word gave me victory. Songs He brought to life in the hearts of others helped me through. One of my many life verses is Psalm 139:14 "I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well."  

I've been receiving little reminders daily through His word that He's got this. Whatever IT is, He'll get me through. I'm so thankful for friends who encourage and a church that truly loves me. I am truly surrounded by the best people. I'll leave you with some of the verses that have pulled me back from the ledge of anxiety and fear:

John 16:33 "These thing I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I HAVE OVERCOME the world."

Isaiah 12:2 "Behold, God is my salvation, I will TRUST and NOT be afraid;The Lord is my STRENGTH and song;He also has become my salvation."

Psalm 4:8 "I will both lie down in peace and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety."
Psalm 5:11-12 "But may all those who seek refuge in You rejoice; May they ever shout for joy, because You defend them;May those who love Your name be joyful in You. For You, Lord, will bless the righteous; You surround him with favor like a shield."

Lastly here's a quote that also made me smile this week, "The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us."

Life with Elyse Harley

As of April 22, 2015, at 8:09 AM, a beautiful baby girl was born named Elyse Harley. She was 7lbs 15 ounces and 21 inches of perfection.

Those of you who know me, know that I never expected to have a baby girl or another baby for that matter. I feel truly blessed to have experienced pregnancy and motherhood to another precious kiddo. It still blows my mind every time I look at her sweet little face. 

Having a girl has made me re-examine a lot of things. It's mostly the way I talk about myself. I really don't want to instill negative self image to my daughter. I know it's not a good idea to call yourself fat or anything in front of your kiddos at all. However, being someone who battled and overcame bulimia, I don't want to be the reason my daughter looks at herself any other way than "fearfully and wonderfully made." This will be good for me too.  Because the more I instill a positive self image to her, the more I'll start to believe myself as beautiful as well. 

So life with a newborn is challenging but I'm loving every minute. As much as I want to get things done around the house, I've enjoyed napping at random times throughout the day instead. I want to enjoy all the cuddles I can while she's extra snuggly.

I'm exhausted and I'm pretty sure I have bags under my eyes. I am not happy about the number on the scale or how my clothes fit. However, I am thankful for the beautiful little girl I was blessed with. She makes it all worth it and I refuse to let myself focus on my body when it just created such a beautiful perfect little person. 

When I Break Something, I Break it Good

Most of you know that I broke my hand falling last Thursday. It's been painful and quite hard learning how to wash and dry my hair with one hand among other things you just take for granted. Of course when I break a bone it's going to be in my dominant hand.
I went to the orthopedic surgeon today, and he seems to think surgery is the best option for my finger healing properly. There's another procedure they can do, but there's no guarantee that I'll have full function or that it will heal properly.
Needless to say this news was a shock considering I anticipated them just splinting it and calling it a day. I cried all the way into work. No one likes surgery, but especially not when they're 29 weeks pregnant.
My OB has approved the surgery and as of right now it is scheduled for Thursday. We are going for a 2nd opinion tomorrow morning. I'm not sure what outcome I'm hoping for though. If he agrees with the other doctor, it'll be an easy decision. However, if he doesn't, who's opinion do I trust more?
Please pray for wisdom. I really don't want to risk hurting baby E. She's definitely more important to me than a crooked pinky. I will have to be put under for the surgery and that makes me super nervous.
Thank for your prayers! I'll update as soon as we've made our final decision.