I have probably been feeling awful for about a month now. My symptoms have been all over the place: chest pain, chest tightness, numbness in arms, feeling like my throat is closing in, nausea, etc. I went to the ER a week ago, because I was so afraid I was having a heart attack. A couple of days later my symptoms seemed to worsen, so I made an appointment with my doctor. I was diagnosed with some sort of stomach bacteria. This was causing a lot of the pain along with some awful reflux. I am on a steroid and 3 antibiotics right now, and unfortunately those come with their own set of side effects.
Tonight I had some sort of episode. It hurt to touch my skin, my throat felt swollen, and my whole body was just achy. In situations like these, I struggle with whether I'm crazy or if there's really something wrong. It's so hard to explain to Aaron why I'm freaking out, and that in freaking out, I'm making my symptoms worse.
After popping a couple of Benadryl and doing some stretches to calm myself down, I decided a bath with candles and music couldn't hurt anything. As Kari Jobe's song "The Garden" started playing I couldn't help the tears. "Love is lifting me from sorrow, catching every tear. Dispelling every lie and torment, crushing all my fears. You crush all my fears with Your perfect love." Honestly I've been so afraid lately. So terrified that something is seriously wrong. Even with my diagnosis and the medicines helping, I can't seem to get passed these random episodes.
Taking that bath tonight, crying, worshiping, reading the psalms helped so much. Letting the lyrics wash over me while declaring the truth over my life and my situation, began to tear down those walls of fear that I've had for years regarding my health. I will not be defeated, and I refuse to let fear paralyze me.
The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, A refuge in times of trouble. And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You. Psalm 9:9
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