A Little Transparency

I've been struggling for a while now. I'm not really sure why, but I've been in this constant state of funkiness. I've always been the worst about comparing myself to other people. She/He sings better than me, she's skinnier, prettier, smarter....and on and on and on.
I feel silly for the constant struggle. I mean I'm a 35 year old woman who still constantly struggles with insecurity, feeling good enough and valued.  The worst part about it is I have an amazing husband who loves me so much. He's encouraging, he compliments me, he loves me the way I should be loved. I have beautiful, healthy children. I have the privilege of leading worship at church, a great job,and some of he best friends a girl could ask for, so WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!??!
At church we've been talking about the devil...our enemy and adversary.  He knows how to get to us. He knows how to get us in the way of ourselves. I've talked before about the years I struggled with bulimia. It's crazy that even though it's been 13 or more years since I've done it, I still struggle when I look in the mirror, when I go shopping for clothes. I always feel the need to run 1 or 2 more miles, and beat myself up over what I ate or drank. I'm constantly reminded of past mistakes. I know I've been forgiven, but again, it's so hard to forgive myself.
Lately I've just wanted to throw in the towel. Before you freak out, I don't mean life in general. Leading worship has been the main thing that I go back and forth on whether or not I should continue. I LOVE LOVE LOVE worship. It's who I am, and it's what I do. But lately, I haven't been sure that's enough reason to continue doing it, leading it. I've been tired, exhausted, which sounds strange, because worship is supposed to be one of the easiest ways to serve in the church,right? Ha ha! Sometimes rather than leading, I just want to sit back and be lead myself. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me. I will never stop worshiping. I've never needed a microphone for that. God is so worthy. He's brought me out of so much, and that's why I will always sing praises to Him.
Sometimes I wish the same struggles didn't constantly rear their ugly heads,  but at the same time, they work, so why would it need to change.
Today at church was what I needed. I'm broken and very much in need of a Savior. I'm so grateful that in my weakness, He becomes strong. I'm thankful that He is enough. I can rest in Him. He is hope, He is love, He is all I need.
I think it's so important to be real with each other. The beauty of the body of Christ is that we are here to bear one another's burdens, to pray for each other, and lift each other up. I don't ever want it to seem like I have it all together, because I know, for me, those are the people I would never confide in. I want to be an ear for those who are struggling, a safe place to go.
I didn't share this to be a discouragement. I know God has me. I know my family has me. I know that whatever THIS is, is preparing me for the next assignment He has for me.  I'm just going to keep seeking His will for my life.