It's been so long since I've written anything other than a Facebook post. I often forget how much I love writing, how therapeutic and healing it can be. Maybe it's the outlet I've been missing.
I won't go into the details of all that's happened over the last 6 months, but it's been a lot of hard. There have been devastating losses, heartbreaking phone calls, health scares, and the many regular stresses that exist from being an adult, a parent.
It's so crazy how you can power through, feeling like you're handling everything great, until you realize that you're not. I've been having spells of being light headed for maybe a month. The last 2 weeks, they became daily and several times a day. I finally went to the doctor and had blood work done to finally figure out what in the world was going on with me.
As I was answering the doctor's questions, I began to realize that maybe all that I'd been dealing with was tied to all the big emotions I'd been dealing with or perhaps not dealing with. As I told her of all that had happened over the last 6 months, my eyes started to fill with tears. Then she asked me about my eating. That's when it hit me that I hadn't really been eating any meal other than dinner consistently. Sadly the first thought that popped into my head upon this realization was how am I not skinnier then? Those old thoughts that lead me to bulimia over a decade ago never seem to completely disappear.
After my doctor's visit, I began to realize that I had been so consumed with everything going on around me, I just stopped paying attention to how I was actually doing. I had just been going through everyday trying to be everything I felt I needed to be for everyone else, that I lost myself a bit along the way.
I've been crying a lot for many reasons, but recently it was over how I got to this point. How does one not even realize that maybe they're not doing their best? How do get to a point where you feel guilty for not being okay?
Sometimes I feel like a fraud, but at the same time, I do truly believe in the hope and joy that I have through Jesus. Honestly, He is the only reason I'm not curled up in the fetal position crying in a dark room. I've just realized that it's still okay to be sad. It's okay to reach out when you're not okay. We are to share one another burdens, because we are all going through something. How close is a friendship if you aren't willing to be honest about how you're truly doing?
I'm so grateful that God is big enough to carry it all. He cares about my pain and heartbreak even though I feel it's so much less significant than what my closest friends are facing. He knows and sees every tear I've cried. He loves me and all my mess, and He also loves and cares for my friends better than I ever could.
I've realized I've been carrying or attempting to carry the weight of all the loss and sadness. It's not in my strength or my power to do that. I love being there for the people I love, and I forever will be. I need to do a better job at laying it all at Jesus' feet and trusting that He's got it covered.
If you've made it this far, I am okay. I will be okay. I just have to do some reassessing of all that I've let slip in the midst of all the hard. A verse that's been a huge comfort is John 16:33: These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good courage, I have overcome the world. <3
Jesus is the answer. I will keep worshipping, keep praying, keep trusting, and keep reading His word. He is so faithful.
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