Random Ramblings

Things have been so crazy lately, it's been hard to just sit and put my thoughts together.
I am now 24 weeks pregnant, counting down the next 16 weeks. The sickness has mostly subsided, but I still vomit from time to time and feel nauseous most evenings. Still a step up from how I was feeling, so I am BEYOND grateful.
We've sold our pool table which was a HUGE blessing and have started the rearranging to make room for baby girl. Speaking of our little princess, she is already so loved. I've been given so many things for her that I'm finding it hard to figure out where to put it all. Let's just say, she will not lack a wardrobe. AHHHHHH...so excited to have a baby girl to dress.
So what am I struggling with these days...weight gain. Before you all roll your eyes and wonder what in the world is wrong with me when pregnancy is such a blessing..let me explain. First of all, let me say I am over the moon with excitement for Baby E. I'm grateful to have another opportunity to literally have life growing inside of me. My struggle with my changing shape stems from my old enemy bulimia. Most of you already know this about me. I'm trying so hard to focus on the fact that pregnancy is beautiful, and believe me, it is on other people. ;-) There's just something in my head that makes me so sad that the numbers on the scale continue to go up. To anyone worried, baby girl is healthy and I am taking care of myself and her. It's just the internal struggle I deal with every day. It's a constant battle of just enjoying the life growing inside me and worrying about how quickly the weight will come off when I meet my precious daughter. So if I had any prayer, it would be that I would just sit back and enjoy the ride.
I have another sonogram tomorrow to make sure baby girl is growing as she should be. Judging from the bump, I'm confident everything will be fine.
One funny thing that Dex has been doing lately is talking to my belly. He basically yells into my belly button which is hilarious. He also informed me that when I get fat, he gets fat, Brett gets fat and Aaron gets fat, We'll be a fat family. He was very enthusiastic about us being a fat family. Oh to know the inner workings of that 5 year old brain.
Tonight as I was leading worship, Baby E really started moving. Perfect timing for this mommy. Love to feel her little flips, kicks and punches.
I think that's all for now. I was a bit all over the place, but I can always blame that on pregnancy brain!

My How Things Have Changed

I really can't believe I haven't written a blog since June. I thought about it from time to time, but really lacked inspiration. Wow, how things have changed, I could write for days and still not cover all the random happenings of the past several months.
As of August, we now have a Freshman and a Kindergartner. Much to my surprise, this is turning out to be the best year of school Brett has ever had. For many of you who know his history with school, you can understand why I am beyond overjoyed that high school just fits him.
Dex had a rough couple of weeks, wondering when school would end and just adjusting to his new normal. I'm happy to say he now hops out of the car with a huge smile on his face everyday. What a relief to this mommy.
Now to the craziest news to hear for most of you who know everything about my pregnancy with Dex. We're having another baby, due 4/28, Dexter's birthday. I'll be having another c-section, so they will have birthdays a week apart.
This truly is a miracle and I know most of you understand. Aaron and I were both convinced we'd never want another baby, and then one day his heart changed, Mine had a while ago, but I was content and at peace with the fact I got to experience having a baby at all. Totally a God thing, and I'm super excited and nervous about what a third child will bring to our family. My goal is just to enjoy the ride, Embrace the weight gain and all the many changes over the next 6 months.
I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have and love another baby. With that being said, this pregnancy has been so hard. Between the constant vomiting and migraines, it's been a pretty wild ride. So thankful to have a hubby who understands that I'm pretty much worthless right now. :-) Hoping and praying that after Tuesday, (I'll be 12 weeks then,) my sickness disappears.
Baby E. has given me a really good birthday. I've only started feeling yucky the past couple of hours. Compared to all day yuckiness, I am incredibly grateful. It's truly a birthday miracle! :-)
Maybe this blog was just for me, but all I'd like to say is that God is good. Just when you think that some things will never change, they do. AND it's AMAZING!!  Never ever give up on the desires of your heart. You never know when God will step in. I'm so grateful for all that God has been doing in my life the past few months. Grateful that even at 33, I know that God is still molding and making me into the person He wants me to be.

He's Still Working on Me

It's been a while and life, as usual, has thrown many curve balls. It's been so long, I really have no idea where to begin.
Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you tried at something, no matter how much of your heart you poured into it, you were always going to fall short? I had honestly felt like this for so long that I seriously considered throwing in the towel completely. Luckily I gave it time and God has miraculously worked out the details, so I am still trucking along, and it appears that he's bringing me out of my comfort zone and making me more comfortable in my own skin.
People really don't understand how it is to be insecure or to have a low self esteem if they've never been there. It's honestly pretty strange how you just become that person. There were obviously people in my past (and present) that belittled and made me feel less than, but for the most part I was encouraged and lifted up. It's crazy when no matter how pretty, skinny, or talented people have told me I am, I have always had a SUPER hard time believing and seeing it for myself. That's why Psalms 139:14 has always been my favorite verse."I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are your works and that my soul knows very well."
It's amazing how scripture is truly medicine to a wounded soul and spirit. God made me, He loves me, and unlike man, His love is unconditional. Whether I've gained 5 pounds, cry about dumb stuff, or my face breaks out, He loves me just the same.
I am blessed with some of the best friends anyone could hope for or dream of. Ladies who are always there to encourage or just listen to me vent or cry. I have amazing parents who I know would do anything for me. And my hubby is pretty awesome too. I'm pretty amazed at how far God has brought him in the past 9 years we've been married.
I know I am blessed. While it's quite annoying battling with insecurity, it's also a blessing in a small way. At least I always stay humble. ;-) I guess the whole point of this blog is it's awesome to see God work in other people's lives, but it's also pretty great when you see how He's molding and changing you. He's not finished with any of us yet. As the children's song says, "He's still working on me."

Why Do I Worship

I think we all know the verse above. We were made to worship and praise the Lord. I'm not sure why, but lately I've started to think about why I worship. I think present changes and direction have really made me start questioning why I do what I do and why worship has always been a passion of mine. 

At night after my devotions, I began pondering this question: Why do I Worship? You see the question isn't why anyone else does. I need to explore the answer for me. I've never understood why getting people to worship is like pulling teeth. I have always questioned this, because I know God has done so much for all of us. Honestly the cross itself is enough to praise him for all the days of our lives.

While examining my heart, I came up with a ton of reasons that I worship Jesus, the Lover of my soul. 

Let's start with the lyrics of this song, "He's taken me from the miry clay." I can't count how many times I've been rescued by my Savior. He pulled me out of the mess of my bad decisions. He loved me when I was unlovable. He died for me knowing all the mistakes I would make and would continue to make.

He's healed me countless times. Instead of having a 3rd brain surgery, I was healed and the doctor cancelled the surgery. I was healed/delivered from bulimia, a deep dark path I never thought I would break free of. He's healed my broken heart more times than I can count.

He gives me peace in the midst of every storm of life. "There is peace in the time of trouble. There is peace in the midst of the storm. There is peace though the world be raging, in the shelter of His arms." There is nothing that compares to the His peace. It has enveloped me so many times when I felt I could not go on.

I could go on and on. I praise Him for keeping me and my family safe, that we're all healthy, we have what we need but also many things that we want. God has blessed  me far beyond what I deserve. I praise Him mostly because He loves me. He loves me in spite of me. He doesn't care about the many flaws I drive myself insane about. He loves me from my freckled face to my weird toes. 

Let's face it, I don't worship Him for what He can give, but I worship Him because He deserves my highest praise. I am often, well actually always moved to tears when I worship. His love is truly overwhelming. The beautiful thing about Jesus is He loves to bless His children. I often realize my headache or aches and pains disappear while I'm in His presence.

If we all truly grasped the message of the cross, and the fact that He Loves US SO very much, worship at church would truly be a joyous time, a life changing time. It wouldn't just be at church either, it would bleed into our everyday lives, and boy how we could change this lost and dying world. I worship Jesus because I love Him so much, and I want my life to exude that love, so others will see Him in me.

Am I qualified?

So have you ever felt like maybe you're just not cut out to do something? You've given it your whole heart, but maybe your whole heart isn't enough? That's kind of where I'm at right now.
I'm trying so hard to decipher if it's me feeling like something is too hard or if I'm better in the background. After all, a leader doesn't have to be out in front speaking out and giving instructions. Sometimes you are leading just as much by being quiet and just walking the walk.
The fact of the matter is it's hard for me to picture myself as a leader. That's my dilemma though. I'M my worst enemy. I keep going back to what I heard back at women of faith, "YOU are more than you know." Could this message apply to me right now? Is it fear that's making me second guess that I'm right where I need to be? Am I being asked to step way too far out of my comfort zone?
I've grown so much..through bible study, leading worship, and even an additional book I'm reading has given me so much insight. Is this another part of growing pains that I've yet to experience?
I know God's plans for us far exceed anything we would ever think ourselves worthy or strong enough for. With that, I guess I continue to seek, worship, and love on Him, and I'm sure the answer to all these doubts and fears are right in front of me. Worship is a part of my day to day life. I AM a worshiper. It's in my heart and soul and there's nothing more I'd rather do all day everyday. Is that ALL it takes to do and be all I can be for Him? Are those all the qualifications I need....a heart that hungers and thirsts for His presence?

Sometimes You Get a Concussion

So the past week has been difficult. It  doesn't help when you give yourself a minor concussion. The nausea, dizziness, and headaches have been zero fun. 
To be honest though, I'm just in a really odd faze in life right now. I honestly have nothing to complain about, so don't think this is going to be one of those posts. I think I'm just at a point where I want more. I posted a Facebook status about one sided friendships not that long ago, and I've talked to several of my close friends about my issues. The thing I've realized is maybe I expect too much from people. Perhaps I am just built to check in with the people I care about periodically and try and make time for coffee dates and such. Maybe that's not normal. It's just very bazaar to me. I'm not expecting anything crazy. After all most of my friends have husbands and families of their own. I guess my thing is I've always wanted there to be an effort to check in and see what's going on in my life..how I'm doing from time to time. I treasure the people I have in my life that I can go months without seeing, but when we get together we just pick right up where we left off. Those friendships are my FAVORITE.
There are so many situations that have really been weighing on my heart lately. They mostly have to do with situations I'll never understand this side of Heaven. I just hate it when people hurt. I hate it even more that I can't help or take that hurt away. I just wish so much that the 'whys' of life could be answered, but again I know that's just not the way it works. Who knows, maybe even if we knew, we couldn't understand.
One song that's been ministering to me a lot lately is "Forever." It's on Kari Jobe's newest album. I've honestly been listening to it over and over and just crying.  "One final breath he gave as Heaven looked away. The Son of God was laid in darkness. A battle in the grave, the war on death was waged, the power of Hell forever broken. The ground began to shake. The stone was rolled away. His perfect love could not be overcome.Now death where is your sting? Our resurrected King has rendered you DEFEATED!"  I'm so thankful that while death hurts so much, Jesus did defeat it forever when he shed his blood and gave His life for us all. Such great love that I'm forever and ever grateful for.
I guess the point of all this is sometimes life hurts, a lot of times it's so very hard. Sometimes you give yourself a concussion and it seems life will never be normal again without the dizziness and blurred vision. The truth is though that life is beautiful. God loves us, all of us. He wants to bless His children.  In our hardest times he bandages our wounds and carries us through the times we think we'll never overcome. After all greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. 1 John 4:4 We can and will overcome through Christ. 
I'm not even sure this made any sense. I'll blame my concussion. ;-)

ADD Blog... :-)

Life is full of highs and lows. One minute things are wonderful and the next, not so wonderful. I've been teetering between the best and not so good times. Through it all though, God is good!

I've continued my read through the Bible plan and I've read Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, and Matthew. It's been so fun to read, learn and actually understand. My friend's and I are still making it through our Bible study.

While I'm loving it, I've been doing the worst job of saving it for the last possible second. My goal is start making my bible study time a priority and letting everything else fall into place. When God is first everything does seem to fall into place.

Our pastor has been preaching hard about loving God with all our heart, soul mind and strength. ALL of us! It's been incredible and eye opening.

I've also started reading The Blessed Life by pastor Robert Morris of Gateway Church. It's been such a great book about tithe and offering and the impact it can make in our lives as Christians. It's opened my eyes in ways I never thought. We go through life believing what we're told and never really digging deep to find answers for ourselves. Lazy Christianity, I guess or maybe we just aren't familiar enough with our 'sword.' There is power in the word and it's so important that we don't know what the pastor says, but what God says in His word.

Now onto the not so good. I haven't been feeling well for a while. I'm pretty sure I had a double ear infection, and  honestly the pain hasn't completely gone away. I've been having sharp pains in my stomach, and have just felt like crap....nauseous, snotty, you name it. I've finally decided to do the thing I hate to do...go to the doctor. I'm hoping they'll do blood work at my request and hopefully figure out why I lack energy and feel like poo all the time. On the bright side, I'm finally to the point where I really want to explore the natural remedies found in essential oils. I have a couple of friends who are doing oil classes and I'm going to spend the time to learn and hopefully help me and my family.

Through the good times and bad, God is always by my side. My relationship with Him is growing and I'm absolutely loving it. While there are some friendships in my life I question, God has blessed me with some lifetime friends that I can count no matter what the situation. 

God has also done an amazing work in Aaron. He was never 'bad', but it is so wonderful to have a husband who prays for me. What seems small to some is something I've desperately wanted the ALMOST 9 years we've been married. It's crazy how much relationships change over the years and how you can truly fall more in love with each year that passes.

The one thing that always holds true is that no matter what life throws your way is to P.U.S.H. Pray Until Something Happens. Seek God, and spend time with Him. He might not remove the storm, but He'll be right beside you until it passes and everyday after. :-)

Psalms 3:3-5 But You, O Lord are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept; I awoke for the Lord sustained me.