You Make Me Brave

I've needed to write for a while now.. It's been so hard, because honestly I've been a mess for weeks now. I think the reason I hesitated for so long is because I didn't want to come off as whiny or faithless.
The truth is, everything I've been feeling and going through is absolutely normal. There's also no reason to be ashamed of feeling anxious, scared, heartbroken, sad, and defeated. The problem is staying that way and dwelling in those feelings and letting them consume you.
As a mother, it's so hard to see your child go through anything. A cough, cold, anything that makes our children uncomfortable, breaks our mommy hearts. Lately I've felt like I've needed to apologize for feeling sad about Elyse's MRI last week and her surgery tomorrow. The truth is, I don't. Honestly, I don't want to feel ashamed for being a concerned parent, a mommy who loves her baby girl and wants more than anything to keep her from the pain she'll be going through.
While I can't promise I won't cry at some point tomorrow, I do feel like God reminded me of a few things over the passed couple of days. First of all, with as much as I love Elyse, HE loves her SO MUCH MORE. He wants her safe, happy and whole, much more than even Aaron and I do. He loves me as well, and wants to give me  His peace.
On the way to church this morning, I heard the song, "You Make Me Brave." While I've always loved this song, it had me crying all the way to church. As I was sing/crying along, the lyrics really spoke to me. "You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the love that made away. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises You made." He is FOR me, He is NOT against me, and I am so very grateful for that. I'm grateful that through Him I can be brave and face whatever life throws my way.
I've said this before but I think it's worth repeating. Jesus cares about YOU. He loves YOU. He died for YOU. What hurts you matters to HIM.  Though I know Elyse's situation is not anything compared to what others are facing, even so, my heavenly Father wants to give me His peace that passes all understanding. He wants me to cast my burden on Him. He wants me to put Elyse in His arms and let Him carry her through this, carry us all through this.
I can't thank all my friends enough for checking in on me, listening to me, loving me, and praying for me. You have no idea what that means to me. I truly believe those prayers are keeping me sane and making me brave. :-)

He is Enough

It's been so long since I've even thought about writing on here. Life is so busy, and seems to be going by so quickly. There just hasn't been time to sit and gather my thoughts.
There are so many wonderful blessings in my life, but there are also so many I love suffering from life's most painful blows. My heart hurts and it's so heavy. I don't understand why things have to be the way they are sometimes. I hate that so many of our questions will never be answered on this side of Heaven. It angers me so much to watch my friends desires be shattered like broken glass. Even so, I know God is good.
It's so funny how things work. One of my dearest friends and I were riding to a housewarming party for another friend of mine. We were enjoying catching up, but also discussing some frustrations and confusion. The next thing I know, I'm being pulled over for speeding. It took everything in me not to cry. The officer took my license, and then came back to my  car and let me go with a warning. Sheila and I both immediately thanked God for His grace and mercy.
There are so many times this has happened. Just yesterday, I was so frustrated over how things were being handled with my job that's ending in a week. By the end of the day I had a job offer to work at the company one of my best friends works for. Again I say, God is SO good.
All day I've been hearing the song "Good, Good Father" by Chris Tomlin. It's just a reminder that God IS good and He DOES love us. His ways ARE perfect. We might not understand, but He is good no matter what we are going through. The honest truth is if I never receive another blessing, He still deserves all of my worship and praise. He is enough. His love is enough.

Overcome

It's been forever since I've taken the time to write. I've thought about it, but it's been impossible to be alone with my thoughts.
Last time  I wrote Elyse Harley was a mere week old. Well she is now a chunker and almost 5 months old. I LOVE her and feel so grateful that God entrusted me to be her mommy. The boys are thriving so far this school year, but it's so hard to believe we have a baby, 1st grader and a sophomore.
How do I even begin to write about the past 5 months? I've been the happiest, most anxious, more fearful, most frustrated I've been in a very long time. I am literally all over the place these days. Trying to find the balance and keep my sanity has been extremely hard. Being proactive, but also having faith is a difficult balance to find.
It's so funny because last Sunday at church our friend Aaron led the song Overcome. Since then, I've found myself singing this song while going through everyday tasks. After struggling between anxiety and fear for months now, the words struck a chord inside me.

All authority, every victory is Yours. 

Savior, worthy of honor and glory, worthy of all our praise, You overcame. 

Jesus, awesome in power forever, Awesome and great is Your name, You Overcame. 

We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, Everyone overcome.

I think what I love about this song is that through Him, we ARE overcomers as well. My victory is in Him. My hope, my peace, my faith, my trust, my strength is in Him. Every victory: overcoming bulimia, heartbreak, illness, it's all His. None of these things would have been possible without the love and guidance of my Heavenly Father. He loved me enough to walk through every trial with me. His word gave me victory. Songs He brought to life in the hearts of others helped me through. One of my many life verses is Psalm 139:14 "I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well."  

I've been receiving little reminders daily through His word that He's got this. Whatever IT is, He'll get me through. I'm so thankful for friends who encourage and a church that truly loves me. I am truly surrounded by the best people. I'll leave you with some of the verses that have pulled me back from the ledge of anxiety and fear:

John 16:33 "These thing I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I HAVE OVERCOME the world."

Isaiah 12:2 "Behold, God is my salvation, I will TRUST and NOT be afraid;The Lord is my STRENGTH and song;He also has become my salvation."

Psalm 4:8 "I will both lie down in peace and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety."
Psalm 5:11-12 "But may all those who seek refuge in You rejoice; May they ever shout for joy, because You defend them;May those who love Your name be joyful in You. For You, Lord, will bless the righteous; You surround him with favor like a shield."

Lastly here's a quote that also made me smile this week, "The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us."

Life with Elyse Harley

As of April 22, 2015, at 8:09 AM, a beautiful baby girl was born named Elyse Harley. She was 7lbs 15 ounces and 21 inches of perfection.

Those of you who know me, know that I never expected to have a baby girl or another baby for that matter. I feel truly blessed to have experienced pregnancy and motherhood to another precious kiddo. It still blows my mind every time I look at her sweet little face. 

Having a girl has made me re-examine a lot of things. It's mostly the way I talk about myself. I really don't want to instill negative self image to my daughter. I know it's not a good idea to call yourself fat or anything in front of your kiddos at all. However, being someone who battled and overcame bulimia, I don't want to be the reason my daughter looks at herself any other way than "fearfully and wonderfully made." This will be good for me too.  Because the more I instill a positive self image to her, the more I'll start to believe myself as beautiful as well. 

So life with a newborn is challenging but I'm loving every minute. As much as I want to get things done around the house, I've enjoyed napping at random times throughout the day instead. I want to enjoy all the cuddles I can while she's extra snuggly.

I'm exhausted and I'm pretty sure I have bags under my eyes. I am not happy about the number on the scale or how my clothes fit. However, I am thankful for the beautiful little girl I was blessed with. She makes it all worth it and I refuse to let myself focus on my body when it just created such a beautiful perfect little person. 

When I Break Something, I Break it Good

Most of you know that I broke my hand falling last Thursday. It's been painful and quite hard learning how to wash and dry my hair with one hand among other things you just take for granted. Of course when I break a bone it's going to be in my dominant hand.
I went to the orthopedic surgeon today, and he seems to think surgery is the best option for my finger healing properly. There's another procedure they can do, but there's no guarantee that I'll have full function or that it will heal properly.
Needless to say this news was a shock considering I anticipated them just splinting it and calling it a day. I cried all the way into work. No one likes surgery, but especially not when they're 29 weeks pregnant.
My OB has approved the surgery and as of right now it is scheduled for Thursday. We are going for a 2nd opinion tomorrow morning. I'm not sure what outcome I'm hoping for though. If he agrees with the other doctor, it'll be an easy decision. However, if he doesn't, who's opinion do I trust more?
Please pray for wisdom. I really don't want to risk hurting baby E. She's definitely more important to me than a crooked pinky. I will have to be put under for the surgery and that makes me super nervous.
Thank for your prayers! I'll update as soon as we've made our final decision.

Random Ramblings

Things have been so crazy lately, it's been hard to just sit and put my thoughts together.
I am now 24 weeks pregnant, counting down the next 16 weeks. The sickness has mostly subsided, but I still vomit from time to time and feel nauseous most evenings. Still a step up from how I was feeling, so I am BEYOND grateful.
We've sold our pool table which was a HUGE blessing and have started the rearranging to make room for baby girl. Speaking of our little princess, she is already so loved. I've been given so many things for her that I'm finding it hard to figure out where to put it all. Let's just say, she will not lack a wardrobe. AHHHHHH...so excited to have a baby girl to dress.
So what am I struggling with these days...weight gain. Before you all roll your eyes and wonder what in the world is wrong with me when pregnancy is such a blessing..let me explain. First of all, let me say I am over the moon with excitement for Baby E. I'm grateful to have another opportunity to literally have life growing inside of me. My struggle with my changing shape stems from my old enemy bulimia. Most of you already know this about me. I'm trying so hard to focus on the fact that pregnancy is beautiful, and believe me, it is on other people. ;-) There's just something in my head that makes me so sad that the numbers on the scale continue to go up. To anyone worried, baby girl is healthy and I am taking care of myself and her. It's just the internal struggle I deal with every day. It's a constant battle of just enjoying the life growing inside me and worrying about how quickly the weight will come off when I meet my precious daughter. So if I had any prayer, it would be that I would just sit back and enjoy the ride.
I have another sonogram tomorrow to make sure baby girl is growing as she should be. Judging from the bump, I'm confident everything will be fine.
One funny thing that Dex has been doing lately is talking to my belly. He basically yells into my belly button which is hilarious. He also informed me that when I get fat, he gets fat, Brett gets fat and Aaron gets fat, We'll be a fat family. He was very enthusiastic about us being a fat family. Oh to know the inner workings of that 5 year old brain.
Tonight as I was leading worship, Baby E really started moving. Perfect timing for this mommy. Love to feel her little flips, kicks and punches.
I think that's all for now. I was a bit all over the place, but I can always blame that on pregnancy brain!

My How Things Have Changed

I really can't believe I haven't written a blog since June. I thought about it from time to time, but really lacked inspiration. Wow, how things have changed, I could write for days and still not cover all the random happenings of the past several months.
As of August, we now have a Freshman and a Kindergartner. Much to my surprise, this is turning out to be the best year of school Brett has ever had. For many of you who know his history with school, you can understand why I am beyond overjoyed that high school just fits him.
Dex had a rough couple of weeks, wondering when school would end and just adjusting to his new normal. I'm happy to say he now hops out of the car with a huge smile on his face everyday. What a relief to this mommy.
Now to the craziest news to hear for most of you who know everything about my pregnancy with Dex. We're having another baby, due 4/28, Dexter's birthday. I'll be having another c-section, so they will have birthdays a week apart.
This truly is a miracle and I know most of you understand. Aaron and I were both convinced we'd never want another baby, and then one day his heart changed, Mine had a while ago, but I was content and at peace with the fact I got to experience having a baby at all. Totally a God thing, and I'm super excited and nervous about what a third child will bring to our family. My goal is just to enjoy the ride, Embrace the weight gain and all the many changes over the next 6 months.
I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have and love another baby. With that being said, this pregnancy has been so hard. Between the constant vomiting and migraines, it's been a pretty wild ride. So thankful to have a hubby who understands that I'm pretty much worthless right now. :-) Hoping and praying that after Tuesday, (I'll be 12 weeks then,) my sickness disappears.
Baby E. has given me a really good birthday. I've only started feeling yucky the past couple of hours. Compared to all day yuckiness, I am incredibly grateful. It's truly a birthday miracle! :-)
Maybe this blog was just for me, but all I'd like to say is that God is good. Just when you think that some things will never change, they do. AND it's AMAZING!!  Never ever give up on the desires of your heart. You never know when God will step in. I'm so grateful for all that God has been doing in my life the past few months. Grateful that even at 33, I know that God is still molding and making me into the person He wants me to be.