The past couple of weeks have been hard. We got some bad news regarding Aaron's job, we seem to be catching one sickness after the other, and then there's everyone facing such heavy stuff around me. My heart hurts, and I'm exhausted.
Today, finding out one of Dexter's classmates lost her mom, really broke me. I don't know the little girl, and I didn't know her mom, but it just hurts me to know that someone Dexter's age is facing such a gut wrenching loss. I find myself praying the family knows Jesus, and that in the midst of this incredible heartache,they still have hope.
I recently started listening to Kari Jobe's newest album, The Garden. Knowing the stories behind many of the songs , makes me wish I could send everyone hurting or in a rough spot a copy. The title track says this, "Faith is rising up like ivy reaching for the light. Hope is stirring up inside me making all things right. Love is lifting me from sorrow catching every tear. Dispelling every lie and torment crushing all my fears.You crush all my fears with Your perfect love."
I guess more than ever before it's so obvious how fragile life is. It truly is a vapor, here one moment and gone the next. In the midst of all the suffering and trials, there is a hope. There is a Savior that makes beauty from our ashes. He gives gladness for our mourning, and a peace that passes all understanding. He knows the tears we cry, and He cares.
There are so many things in this life I don't understand. So many things I will never understand. One of the many songs that has been on my heart lately is "King of the World" by Natalie Grant. It puts it so simply. "When did I forget that you've always been the King of the world? Try to take life back, right out of the hands of the King of the world. How could I make you so small when You're the one that holds it all?When did I forget that you've always been the King of the world?" His ways are not my ways, but I do trust that He loves me and He is good even when I don't understand.
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Hello 2017
I've wanted to write for so long, but I could never get my words together to say what's been on my heart and mind lately.
First of all, I've been struggling a lot lately. It's not because of anyone or anything, but I've been questioning what I should be doing. Am I where God wants me to be? Are the gifts and talents I have really worth sharing? Am I making a difference? Does what I'm doing even matter? The funny thing about God is He always sends what we need. I was seriously ready to throw in the towel, take a little break to regroup. Around that time, I received the sweetest card in the mail just telling me I was appreciated. It was so very encouraging. Before you criticize me for seeking my worth in 'man's opinions', it's really not that at all. It was the little nudge I needed to keep fighting and worshiping with all my heart.
This new year, I decided I really needed to become more intentional in my prayer life. There is so much hurting, and I really wanted to make sure that I was taking each and every need to the Lord. I have never wanted to be one of those people who comments praying one minute and then never thinks about it again. I have re-started my prayer journal. I plan on looking at it at the beginning of next year to see what God has done. I actually read the prayers I had written down last year. I had actually been praying for a way to stay home and be a stay at home mom, God didn't answer exactly how I saw, but I do WORK from home now which is equally awesome!! I thank God that he knew exactly what I needed, and allowed my other job to force me out in order to find something SO MUCH BETTER!!
My goal this year is to live my life as a worshiper. There are so many songs that reflect my heart right now. One is ''Your praise will ever be on my lips." God has already done so much for me. I always have a reason to praise Him. The other is ''It's Your breath in our lungs,so we'll pour out our praise." Basically it's the same theme. He is worthy no matter what life throws at me. He literally gives me breath, so why in the world would I not praise Him?
The last lyrics that really struck a chord with me tonight as I worshiped were these:
Our God is Lion, the Lion of Judah.
He's roaring in power and fighting our battles,
And every knee will bow before Him.
Our God is the Lamb, the Lamb that was slain
For the sins of the world His blood breaks the chains,
And every knee will bow before the Lion and the Lamb.
This year is already beginning to look a lot like last year did. There is lots of uncertainty right around the corner, but I am so grateful that I can look back and see all God has brought me and my family through. If He did it then, he will certainly bring us through this time. I will continue seeking his face in prayer, worship and His word.
Friday, August 26, 2016
"I had a Bad Day"
Today has been a day. I've cried more today than I have in a very long time. The crazy part is most of it was literally nothing worthy of my tears. Something about work really got to me. I thought I did something wrong, but I actually did exactly what I was told to do. See no reason for tears.
I went to chiropractor today which I was SO looking forward to. For at least a week, I've been waking up in the middle of the night barely able to move because my back is in so much pain. While I know what was done today will help, I'm at the point where it's WORSE before it gets better. The adjustment also triggered a terrible migraine that had me crying as well. I napped for a couple of hours, but the pain is still there. Honestly, I'm just so ready to feel better.
My weight is not where I want it to be, and that has been a constant internal battle as well. This is another reason I just want to feel better. It's so hard to get moving when you're hurting. I'm so thankful for a husband who is constantly telling me how beautiful I am. I'm also grateful that today when he came home and saw me crying, he just told me to get up so we could hug it out. I'm a lucky lady even though he thinks he's the lucky one.
I'm sure you're all very grateful for the depressing blog post. Here's the deal though, in spite of all the doom and gloom, I'm still so grateful.
I finally have a job that allows me to work from home pretty much all week. Anyone who knows me knows it's always been my dream to stay home and be available for my kiddos. Now I have have that luxery. I'm even getting some extra exercise since I'm able to walk Dexter to and from school. While Elyse can't be home with me, I'm right down the road and available if her or my mom need anything. It's crazy to finally get the job I never dreamed would be possible. What's even more awesome is that I've only been there for 5 months. Even crazier is how uneasy I was about taking a job in Grapevine since I hate driving. So grateful for my sweet friend Sarah on the inside who told me this was a company worth driving to. Totally an answer to prayers.
I guess I wrote this mostly to show that I don't have it together all the time. People assume that since I lead worship, that somehow that exempts me from struggles. I don't ever want anyone to think that my life is perfect. I get angry, sad,anxious and man do I struggle sometimes. I've always found it hard opening up to people who appear to have it all together. That's why it's so important that we're real with each other. How can we carry each other's burdens if we walk around acting like life is rainbows and butterflies all the time? It's just not possible. It's time to be real.
I'm so grateful for the Godly friendships and family I have. I'm grateful for the prayers that go up for me daily. I'm grateful, but yes, like any normal person, I too have those days where crawling in a dark hole sounds amazing.
I went to chiropractor today which I was SO looking forward to. For at least a week, I've been waking up in the middle of the night barely able to move because my back is in so much pain. While I know what was done today will help, I'm at the point where it's WORSE before it gets better. The adjustment also triggered a terrible migraine that had me crying as well. I napped for a couple of hours, but the pain is still there. Honestly, I'm just so ready to feel better.
My weight is not where I want it to be, and that has been a constant internal battle as well. This is another reason I just want to feel better. It's so hard to get moving when you're hurting. I'm so thankful for a husband who is constantly telling me how beautiful I am. I'm also grateful that today when he came home and saw me crying, he just told me to get up so we could hug it out. I'm a lucky lady even though he thinks he's the lucky one.
I'm sure you're all very grateful for the depressing blog post. Here's the deal though, in spite of all the doom and gloom, I'm still so grateful.
I finally have a job that allows me to work from home pretty much all week. Anyone who knows me knows it's always been my dream to stay home and be available for my kiddos. Now I have have that luxery. I'm even getting some extra exercise since I'm able to walk Dexter to and from school. While Elyse can't be home with me, I'm right down the road and available if her or my mom need anything. It's crazy to finally get the job I never dreamed would be possible. What's even more awesome is that I've only been there for 5 months. Even crazier is how uneasy I was about taking a job in Grapevine since I hate driving. So grateful for my sweet friend Sarah on the inside who told me this was a company worth driving to. Totally an answer to prayers.
I guess I wrote this mostly to show that I don't have it together all the time. People assume that since I lead worship, that somehow that exempts me from struggles. I don't ever want anyone to think that my life is perfect. I get angry, sad,anxious and man do I struggle sometimes. I've always found it hard opening up to people who appear to have it all together. That's why it's so important that we're real with each other. How can we carry each other's burdens if we walk around acting like life is rainbows and butterflies all the time? It's just not possible. It's time to be real.
I'm so grateful for the Godly friendships and family I have. I'm grateful for the prayers that go up for me daily. I'm grateful, but yes, like any normal person, I too have those days where crawling in a dark hole sounds amazing.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
It's Time
This week it seems as if the world is going crazy. There is more violence, more hatred, more division than I have ever seen in my 34 years of life. In the midst of my fear, all I can feel is "it's time."
Time for what you ask?
I can't speak for anyone else, but it's time for me to humble myself and repent for not loving the way I should. I haven't loved people the way I should, and I definitely haven't loved God above all. My heart is grieved and broken, I'm disappointed that I've let life steal my joy. I've let circumstances control me. I've let the trials of life steal my focus. I've let myself get discouraged, which has taken me away from the work I'm called to do. I'm called to love. I'm called to use my circumstances as a testimony to encourage someone struggling as well. I'm supposed to love people to Jesus.
It's also time for the church to tear down the religious walls dividing us all. If we can't stand as a united body, there truly is NO HOPE for this lost and dying world. We carry the hope within us. We have the answer to all of the hurt and pain. We know the healer and the comforter. We know the mender of broken hearts and the One who provides the peace that passes all understanding. It is time we share Him with our neighbors, friends, coworkers, and family.
It's time to pray. PRAY like we've never prayed before. Prayer changes things. I've seen it.
It's time. It's time. IT'S TIME!!! It's not going to be easy, but in our weakness, He is strong.
No more playing church. It's time to BE the church.
The song that has been on my heart today is "Hosanna." This is my heart's cry:
Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like you have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks yours. Everything I am for your kingdoms cause as I walk from Earth into eternity.
2 Chronicles 7:14
if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.
John 16:33
These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will[a] have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Surgery day and Post Op
So last time I wrote I was preparing for Elyse's surgery. Monday will be 2 weeks and she's doing incredible. I haven't really shared about surgery day, so I thought I would since it was pretty amazing.
After they wheeled her back, we went into the waiting area. We just happened to sit by someone reading his bible. Before we knew it, him and a member from his church were having a bible study right next to us. An elder from his church prayed with us, and then we ended up talking to the pastor's wife for a long time.
Say what you will, but these people were totally a God send. Elyse's procedure was supposed to only be an hour, and it ended up taking about 2 1/2 hours. Had we not sat right where we did, I would have been so anxious wondering what was taking so long. While I did check the time more than once, we were captivated by our conversation. Aaron and the man who's son was also having surgery exchanged numbers right before we went back to see Elyse. I think what was most encouraging to me was how at peace the man was. His son was having brain surgery,MAJOR surgery, but yet, him and his church family were such an encouragement to us. God is so good. His timing is perfect, and he knew exactly what I needed that day.
While I was a peace during her procedure, I completely fell apart when I saw her afterwards. It's so hard to see your baby hurting and knowing there's really nothing you can do. We've made it through the worst of it, and she is still my perfect, beautiful, princess. Mommy is praying for no scaring which is probably a silly prayer. I just know how critical I am of myself, and I don't ever want my baby girl to doubt how beautiful she is.
Being a mommy to a girl is definitely a whole new experience. It's forcing me to choose my words carefully. It's also making me realize that I don't ever want Elyse to be as critical of herself as I have been of myself. I don't ever want her to doubt her worth and that she's fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am so grateful for my relationship with God and the wonderful support system I have. I truly can't imagine life without Jesus and praying friends.
After they wheeled her back, we went into the waiting area. We just happened to sit by someone reading his bible. Before we knew it, him and a member from his church were having a bible study right next to us. An elder from his church prayed with us, and then we ended up talking to the pastor's wife for a long time.
Say what you will, but these people were totally a God send. Elyse's procedure was supposed to only be an hour, and it ended up taking about 2 1/2 hours. Had we not sat right where we did, I would have been so anxious wondering what was taking so long. While I did check the time more than once, we were captivated by our conversation. Aaron and the man who's son was also having surgery exchanged numbers right before we went back to see Elyse. I think what was most encouraging to me was how at peace the man was. His son was having brain surgery,MAJOR surgery, but yet, him and his church family were such an encouragement to us. God is so good. His timing is perfect, and he knew exactly what I needed that day.
While I was a peace during her procedure, I completely fell apart when I saw her afterwards. It's so hard to see your baby hurting and knowing there's really nothing you can do. We've made it through the worst of it, and she is still my perfect, beautiful, princess. Mommy is praying for no scaring which is probably a silly prayer. I just know how critical I am of myself, and I don't ever want my baby girl to doubt how beautiful she is.
Being a mommy to a girl is definitely a whole new experience. It's forcing me to choose my words carefully. It's also making me realize that I don't ever want Elyse to be as critical of herself as I have been of myself. I don't ever want her to doubt her worth and that she's fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am so grateful for my relationship with God and the wonderful support system I have. I truly can't imagine life without Jesus and praying friends.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
You Make Me Brave
I've needed to write for a while now.. It's been so hard, because honestly I've been a mess for weeks now. I think the reason I hesitated for so long is because I didn't want to come off as whiny or faithless.
The truth is, everything I've been feeling and going through is absolutely normal. There's also no reason to be ashamed of feeling anxious, scared, heartbroken, sad, and defeated. The problem is staying that way and dwelling in those feelings and letting them consume you.
As a mother, it's so hard to see your child go through anything. A cough, cold, anything that makes our children uncomfortable, breaks our mommy hearts. Lately I've felt like I've needed to apologize for feeling sad about Elyse's MRI last week and her surgery tomorrow. The truth is, I don't. Honestly, I don't want to feel ashamed for being a concerned parent, a mommy who loves her baby girl and wants more than anything to keep her from the pain she'll be going through.
While I can't promise I won't cry at some point tomorrow, I do feel like God reminded me of a few things over the passed couple of days. First of all, with as much as I love Elyse, HE loves her SO MUCH MORE. He wants her safe, happy and whole, much more than even Aaron and I do. He loves me as well, and wants to give me His peace.
On the way to church this morning, I heard the song, "You Make Me Brave." While I've always loved this song, it had me crying all the way to church. As I was sing/crying along, the lyrics really spoke to me. "You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the love that made away. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises You made." He is FOR me, He is NOT against me, and I am so very grateful for that. I'm grateful that through Him I can be brave and face whatever life throws my way.
I've said this before but I think it's worth repeating. Jesus cares about YOU. He loves YOU. He died for YOU. What hurts you matters to HIM. Though I know Elyse's situation is not anything compared to what others are facing, even so, my heavenly Father wants to give me His peace that passes all understanding. He wants me to cast my burden on Him. He wants me to put Elyse in His arms and let Him carry her through this, carry us all through this.
I can't thank all my friends enough for checking in on me, listening to me, loving me, and praying for me. You have no idea what that means to me. I truly believe those prayers are keeping me sane and making me brave. :-)
The truth is, everything I've been feeling and going through is absolutely normal. There's also no reason to be ashamed of feeling anxious, scared, heartbroken, sad, and defeated. The problem is staying that way and dwelling in those feelings and letting them consume you.
As a mother, it's so hard to see your child go through anything. A cough, cold, anything that makes our children uncomfortable, breaks our mommy hearts. Lately I've felt like I've needed to apologize for feeling sad about Elyse's MRI last week and her surgery tomorrow. The truth is, I don't. Honestly, I don't want to feel ashamed for being a concerned parent, a mommy who loves her baby girl and wants more than anything to keep her from the pain she'll be going through.
While I can't promise I won't cry at some point tomorrow, I do feel like God reminded me of a few things over the passed couple of days. First of all, with as much as I love Elyse, HE loves her SO MUCH MORE. He wants her safe, happy and whole, much more than even Aaron and I do. He loves me as well, and wants to give me His peace.
On the way to church this morning, I heard the song, "You Make Me Brave." While I've always loved this song, it had me crying all the way to church. As I was sing/crying along, the lyrics really spoke to me. "You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the love that made away. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises You made." He is FOR me, He is NOT against me, and I am so very grateful for that. I'm grateful that through Him I can be brave and face whatever life throws my way.
I've said this before but I think it's worth repeating. Jesus cares about YOU. He loves YOU. He died for YOU. What hurts you matters to HIM. Though I know Elyse's situation is not anything compared to what others are facing, even so, my heavenly Father wants to give me His peace that passes all understanding. He wants me to cast my burden on Him. He wants me to put Elyse in His arms and let Him carry her through this, carry us all through this.
I can't thank all my friends enough for checking in on me, listening to me, loving me, and praying for me. You have no idea what that means to me. I truly believe those prayers are keeping me sane and making me brave. :-)
Saturday, February 20, 2016
He is Enough
It's been so long since I've even thought about writing on here. Life is so busy, and seems to be going by so quickly. There just hasn't been time to sit and gather my thoughts.
There are so many wonderful blessings in my life, but there are also so many I love suffering from life's most painful blows. My heart hurts and it's so heavy. I don't understand why things have to be the way they are sometimes. I hate that so many of our questions will never be answered on this side of Heaven. It angers me so much to watch my friends desires be shattered like broken glass. Even so, I know God is good.
It's so funny how things work. One of my dearest friends and I were riding to a housewarming party for another friend of mine. We were enjoying catching up, but also discussing some frustrations and confusion. The next thing I know, I'm being pulled over for speeding. It took everything in me not to cry. The officer took my license, and then came back to my car and let me go with a warning. Sheila and I both immediately thanked God for His grace and mercy.
There are so many times this has happened. Just yesterday, I was so frustrated over how things were being handled with my job that's ending in a week. By the end of the day I had a job offer to work at the company one of my best friends works for. Again I say, God is SO good.
All day I've been hearing the song "Good, Good Father" by Chris Tomlin. It's just a reminder that God IS good and He DOES love us. His ways ARE perfect. We might not understand, but He is good no matter what we are going through. The honest truth is if I never receive another blessing, He still deserves all of my worship and praise. He is enough. His love is enough.
There are so many wonderful blessings in my life, but there are also so many I love suffering from life's most painful blows. My heart hurts and it's so heavy. I don't understand why things have to be the way they are sometimes. I hate that so many of our questions will never be answered on this side of Heaven. It angers me so much to watch my friends desires be shattered like broken glass. Even so, I know God is good.
It's so funny how things work. One of my dearest friends and I were riding to a housewarming party for another friend of mine. We were enjoying catching up, but also discussing some frustrations and confusion. The next thing I know, I'm being pulled over for speeding. It took everything in me not to cry. The officer took my license, and then came back to my car and let me go with a warning. Sheila and I both immediately thanked God for His grace and mercy.
There are so many times this has happened. Just yesterday, I was so frustrated over how things were being handled with my job that's ending in a week. By the end of the day I had a job offer to work at the company one of my best friends works for. Again I say, God is SO good.
All day I've been hearing the song "Good, Good Father" by Chris Tomlin. It's just a reminder that God IS good and He DOES love us. His ways ARE perfect. We might not understand, but He is good no matter what we are going through. The honest truth is if I never receive another blessing, He still deserves all of my worship and praise. He is enough. His love is enough.
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