"I had a Bad Day"

Today has been a day. I've cried more today than I have in a very long time. The crazy part is most of it was literally nothing worthy of my tears. Something about work really got to me. I thought I did something wrong, but I actually did exactly what I was told to do. See no reason for tears.
I went to chiropractor today which I was SO looking forward to. For at least a week, I've been waking up in the middle of the night barely able to move because my back is in so much pain. While I know what was done today will help, I'm at the point where it's WORSE before it gets better. The adjustment also triggered a terrible migraine that had me crying as well. I napped for a couple of hours, but the pain is still there. Honestly, I'm just so ready to feel better.
My weight is not where I want it to be, and that has been a constant internal battle as well. This is another reason I just want to feel better. It's so hard to get moving when you're hurting. I'm so thankful for a husband who is constantly telling me how beautiful I am. I'm also grateful that today when he came home and saw me crying, he just told me to get up so we could hug it out. I'm a lucky lady even though he thinks he's the lucky one.
I'm sure you're all very grateful for the depressing blog post. Here's the deal though, in spite of all the doom and gloom, I'm still so grateful.
I finally have a job that allows me to work from home pretty much all week. Anyone who knows me knows it's always been my dream to stay home and be available for my kiddos.  Now I have have that luxery. I'm even getting some extra exercise since I'm able to walk Dexter to and from school. While Elyse can't be home with me, I'm right down the road and available if her or my mom need anything. It's crazy to finally get the job I never dreamed would be possible. What's even more awesome is that I've only been there for 5 months. Even crazier is how uneasy I was about taking a job in Grapevine since I hate driving. So grateful for my sweet friend Sarah on the inside who told me this was a company worth driving to. Totally an answer to prayers.
I guess I wrote this mostly to show that I don't have it together all the time. People assume that since I lead worship, that somehow that exempts me from struggles. I don't ever want anyone to think that my life is perfect. I get angry, sad,anxious and man do I struggle sometimes. I've always found it hard opening up to people who appear to have it all together. That's why it's so important that we're real with each other. How can we carry each other's burdens if we walk around acting like life is rainbows and butterflies all the time? It's just not possible. It's time to be real.
I'm so grateful for the Godly friendships and family I have. I'm grateful for the prayers that go up for me daily. I'm grateful,  but yes, like any normal person, I too have those days where crawling in a dark hole sounds amazing.

It's Time

This week it seems as if the world is going crazy. There is more violence, more hatred, more division than I have ever seen in my 34 years of life. In the midst of my fear, all I can feel is "it's time."

Time for what you ask? 

I can't speak for anyone else, but it's time for me to humble myself and repent for not loving the way I should. I haven't loved people the way I should, and I definitely haven't loved God above all. My heart is grieved and broken, I'm disappointed that I've let life steal my joy. I've let circumstances control me. I've let the trials of life steal my focus. I've let myself get discouraged, which has taken me away from the work I'm called to do. I'm called to love. I'm called to use my circumstances as a testimony to encourage someone struggling as well. I'm supposed to love people to Jesus.

It's also time for the church to tear down the religious walls dividing us all. If we can't stand as a united body, there truly is NO HOPE for this lost and dying world. We carry the hope within us. We have the answer to all of the hurt and pain. We know the healer and the comforter. We know the mender of broken hearts and the One who provides the peace that passes all understanding. It is time we share Him with our neighbors, friends, coworkers, and family. 

It's time to pray. PRAY like we've never prayed before. Prayer changes things. I've seen it. 

It's time. It's time. IT'S TIME!!! It's not going to be easy, but in our weakness, He is strong.

No more playing church. It's time to BE the church. 

The song that has been on my heart today is "Hosanna." This is my heart's cry:

Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like you have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours. Everything I am for your kingdoms cause as I walk from Earth into eternity.

2 Chronicles 7:14

if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

John 16:33

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will[a] have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.

Surgery day and Post Op

So last time I wrote I was preparing for Elyse's surgery. Monday will be 2 weeks and she's doing incredible. I haven't really shared about surgery day, so I thought I would since it was pretty amazing.
After they wheeled her back, we went into the waiting area. We just happened to sit by someone reading his bible. Before we knew it, him and a member from his church were having a bible study right next to us. An elder from his church prayed with us, and then we ended up talking to the pastor's wife for a long time.
Say what you will, but these people were totally a God send. Elyse's procedure was supposed to only be an hour, and it ended up taking about 2 1/2 hours. Had we not sat right where we did, I would have been so anxious wondering what was taking so long. While I did check the time more than once, we were captivated by our conversation. Aaron and the man who's son was also having surgery exchanged numbers right before we went back to see Elyse. I think what was most encouraging to me was how at peace the man was. His son was having brain surgery,MAJOR surgery, but yet, him and his church family were such an encouragement to us. God is so good. His timing is perfect, and he knew exactly what I needed that day.
While I was a peace during her procedure, I completely fell apart when I saw her afterwards. It's so hard to see your baby hurting and knowing there's really nothing you can do. We've made it through the worst of it, and she is still my perfect, beautiful, princess. Mommy is praying for no scaring which is probably a silly prayer. I just know how critical I am of myself, and I don't ever want my baby girl to doubt how beautiful she is.
Being a mommy to a girl is definitely a whole new experience. It's forcing me to choose my words carefully. It's also making me realize that I don't ever want Elyse to be as critical of herself as I have been of myself. I don't ever want her to doubt her worth and that she's fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am so grateful for my relationship with God and the wonderful support system I have. I truly can't imagine life without Jesus and praying friends.

You Make Me Brave

I've needed to write for a while now.. It's been so hard, because honestly I've been a mess for weeks now. I think the reason I hesitated for so long is because I didn't want to come off as whiny or faithless.
The truth is, everything I've been feeling and going through is absolutely normal. There's also no reason to be ashamed of feeling anxious, scared, heartbroken, sad, and defeated. The problem is staying that way and dwelling in those feelings and letting them consume you.
As a mother, it's so hard to see your child go through anything. A cough, cold, anything that makes our children uncomfortable, breaks our mommy hearts. Lately I've felt like I've needed to apologize for feeling sad about Elyse's MRI last week and her surgery tomorrow. The truth is, I don't. Honestly, I don't want to feel ashamed for being a concerned parent, a mommy who loves her baby girl and wants more than anything to keep her from the pain she'll be going through.
While I can't promise I won't cry at some point tomorrow, I do feel like God reminded me of a few things over the passed couple of days. First of all, with as much as I love Elyse, HE loves her SO MUCH MORE. He wants her safe, happy and whole, much more than even Aaron and I do. He loves me as well, and wants to give me  His peace.
On the way to church this morning, I heard the song, "You Make Me Brave." While I've always loved this song, it had me crying all the way to church. As I was sing/crying along, the lyrics really spoke to me. "You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the love that made away. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises You made." He is FOR me, He is NOT against me, and I am so very grateful for that. I'm grateful that through Him I can be brave and face whatever life throws my way.
I've said this before but I think it's worth repeating. Jesus cares about YOU. He loves YOU. He died for YOU. What hurts you matters to HIM.  Though I know Elyse's situation is not anything compared to what others are facing, even so, my heavenly Father wants to give me His peace that passes all understanding. He wants me to cast my burden on Him. He wants me to put Elyse in His arms and let Him carry her through this, carry us all through this.
I can't thank all my friends enough for checking in on me, listening to me, loving me, and praying for me. You have no idea what that means to me. I truly believe those prayers are keeping me sane and making me brave. :-)

He is Enough

It's been so long since I've even thought about writing on here. Life is so busy, and seems to be going by so quickly. There just hasn't been time to sit and gather my thoughts.
There are so many wonderful blessings in my life, but there are also so many I love suffering from life's most painful blows. My heart hurts and it's so heavy. I don't understand why things have to be the way they are sometimes. I hate that so many of our questions will never be answered on this side of Heaven. It angers me so much to watch my friends desires be shattered like broken glass. Even so, I know God is good.
It's so funny how things work. One of my dearest friends and I were riding to a housewarming party for another friend of mine. We were enjoying catching up, but also discussing some frustrations and confusion. The next thing I know, I'm being pulled over for speeding. It took everything in me not to cry. The officer took my license, and then came back to my  car and let me go with a warning. Sheila and I both immediately thanked God for His grace and mercy.
There are so many times this has happened. Just yesterday, I was so frustrated over how things were being handled with my job that's ending in a week. By the end of the day I had a job offer to work at the company one of my best friends works for. Again I say, God is SO good.
All day I've been hearing the song "Good, Good Father" by Chris Tomlin. It's just a reminder that God IS good and He DOES love us. His ways ARE perfect. We might not understand, but He is good no matter what we are going through. The honest truth is if I never receive another blessing, He still deserves all of my worship and praise. He is enough. His love is enough.