Heart of Worship

So this blog is for and about me..a little glance into the struggles of Christi Blain. =0)
I have taken on a new role at my church that is quite intimidating. To some it may sound silly, but it truly has been overwhelming. This past Sunday I was asked to lead a few worship songs for the evening service going forward. I have always been part of a team, but I have never been part of the planning of the songs. This is all new territory for me. I have recruited several of my friends for their weekly set lists, so I will have a sort of road map to go by. Don't get me wrong, I know that God lays particular songs on your heart, but my issue thus far is just trying to figure out what songs flow once I have that one song I know for sure I want to use. The box of music I received, while exciting, threw me for quite a loop. What key do I need this in? How are there SO many songs to choose from? Again I love it so much, because worship music is primarily what I listen to!!
So how did the first Sunday go, you ask? Umm...I'd say it was okay. It was totally unplugged..aka no microphone, just my voice and my dad's guitar! What did I struggle with the most? It's actually the thing I hate the most about myself. During worship,unless I allow myself to totally focus on God, (which I should EVERY TIME) I don't know what to do with myself, and I am constantly worried what people will think. Did I lift my hands too long...was it not long enough..should I make eye contact...have my eyes been closed for too long? Yes, I have an inner conflict and it irritates me so much about me.
Why on Earth would I care so much about what anyone would think? Why is it so hard for me to just let go and be free in my worship of Him. He deserves my all, and I should have no problem giving it to Him, since He gave His ALL for me. I have been praying so hard that God will help me let go of all my inhibitions when it comes to worshiping Him....not only that, but in serving Him too. What better way to truly lead people into His presence than to have that joy and hope reflecting off me as I sing. I don't want people to see me. I truly want them to see and feel Him while I sing. It's not a performance or a concert....it's a chance to worship at the feet of Jesus.
Here's why this is so important to me and why it always has been. Music has always carried me through some of the most difficult times in my life. When I had the two surgeries for the fluid on my brain-"His Strength is Perfect" by Steven Curtis Chapman. The heartbreak from a terrible breakup-"All I Need"Enter the Worship 2nd Circle..the list goes on and on!! When something is going on in my life, my mind immediately goes to song lyrics, which lead to scripture verses. That may seem backwards to most, but I live and breathe music. It's so hard to explain unless you're the same way. I guess that's why it is so important that I'm truly giving my all when I sing for God. I'm not just singing words...a lot of times they are truly the cries of my heart!!
This probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone but me, and that okay! It feels good to put the thoughts running through my mind in writing...kind of therapeutic for me! ;0) If you've read this whole thing, thank you! All I can ask is that you be in prayer for me..for all of us..that we're truly giving 110% to God. He deserves it more than any other! I leave you with this song that seems to tie this all together!