Bulimia...Overcoming the Demon

Blogging is about life, so I've decided to give you a glimpse into one of the many things I've struggled with in my almost 30 years of life. Many of my close friends and family know that I struggled for years with bulimia. I'm not even sure what made me wake up one day and decide I was fat, but either way it happened and once I went down that slippery slope it was very rough to climb out of that deep dark pit of low self esteem and poor body image. Here is a poem I wrote when I was at my lowest point. Please bear with me, because I do triumph in the end. =)
A Chubby girl stares back at me as I look into the mirror.
Who is she? Could she really be me?
I pray she's not, but she's all I ever see.
"You're not skinny enough. How much did you eat today?"
In my head she taunts me until I give in.
My insides ache, pleading with me to stop, but this monster always reigns victorious.
Day in and day out, I try to gain control, 
But in the end victory goes to the enemy within.
When did my eyes lose sight of the beauty I used to see?
Why did I  fall into this suicidal trip? 
How did I become my own enemy?
After I wrote this I guess you could say I realized how messed up I was. I started digging for scriptures that could help me to see myself as God sees me, beautiful, a masterpiece he made. The scripture that truly saved my life was Psalms 139:14 "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." I began just meditating on this verse. It was the first thing I saw when I unlocked my cell phone. Then one day I sat down and wrote this poem: Promise, it's much happier.
I'm in awe of your beauty.
You are the one I created in my very image.
Eyes so blue filled with love straight from my heart.
The freckles on your face are all so perfectly placed. 
I command the sun to rise each morning in hopes of seeing you smile.
Your single dimple always gives me such delight.
You are my child, my creation.
Each day I sing over you and long to hear the sweet songs of your heart.
Your voice is a sweet melody that grows in beauty each time I hear it.
Why do you question your worth, precious one?
Nothing surpasses you in beauty.
In my sight nothing is more lovely.
Flowers, mountains, and oceans are dim in comparison to the radiant light of your beauty.
After I read this poem, I began to cry. I realized that though I wrote it, it was as if God was speaking to me reassuring me of my worth and beauty. I'm not going to lie and say that I never struggle with thoughts of being fat. I can honestly say it's a daily struggle to look in the mirror and actually be confident and what stares back at me. I can however say that I have been victorious for at least the past seven years in not giving into these thoughts and falling into that vicious cycle again. God gave me the victory and I thank him everyday that he gave me the strength to overcome and continuing to overcome everyday.

Being Judgmental...Have YOU Ever Walked in the Same Shoes?!?!

Let's just say I have been more than just a little frustrated and stressed lately. I won't get into details, because they don't matter. My face is breaking out and right when I feel like I'll be able to breathe...something else happens. As if the circumstances are not bad enough...the worst part about it is those judgmental people that have no clue about what I'm going through, nor have they ever experienced similar circumstances. They also haven't offered a helping hand. My question is what makes you think you could do  better? The truth is you couldn't. It would only make you realize that while I'm not perfect and have room for much improvement, it's a tough spot to be in. I never claim to be perfect or the best. I just pray each night that God will help me become the woman, mother, wife, friend, and daughter I should be. 
I know that was a bit of downer, but here are a couple of things that help me get through the day and to remember that it really doesn't matter what other people believe to be the truth. I read this scripture earlier this week and I absolutely love it: "Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved ." Psalms 55:22 It's so comforting to know that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me inspite of my flaws, and allows me to lay every burden, every hurt, every annoyance,every frustration at His feet, and then He fills the space those ugly things held with peace.  I also remembered a song I heard when I was a kid by Psalty. Here are the lyrics:  "I cast all my cares upon You. I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet, and anytime I don't know what to do, I will cast all my cares upon you."
While there are many things that are making life a bit difficult, I can't deny that I am so very blessed. I also realize that there's no reason to throw a pity party, because so many people are dealing with even bigger burdens that I have no idea if I could even handle. Here are a couple of pics that have brought joy this week.

The moral of this blog is be careful when you're on the outside looking in. If you truly care about 
how the person is  or are sincerely concerned, ask. Even better, pray for them. 
Have a blessed evening, Friday and weekend!! Until I am inspired to write again.... =0)

Sick kiddo, Prayer and God...Random Blog of the Day :-)

So this week has been a draining one for sure. I was home with a sick Dex-a-rooni Tuesday-Friday, but thank God he finally seems to have turned a corner and has now been fever free for 2 days! Woo hoo!!  While it was awful seeing him so sick, I enjoyed the time so much watching Sesame Street, Back Yardigans, and Wonder Pets. We also got to learn that dinosaurs poop thanks to the Dino Train. :-) Still trying to figure out why this was information that preschoolers need to learn! ;-)It was so nice to experience the life of a stay at home mom...even if just for a week. I am also proud to say that I braved the Walmart crowd and have already finished school supply shopping for Brett! Thank you middle school for not asking for crazy stuff that is impossible to find. Unfortunately the next step to getting Brett ready to go is shots. I guess he should be grateful that he hasn't had to have a shot since he was 4...hopefully he will see this 'bright side' when I share the shot news. This Walmart trip was especially special because Dex thought a pic of Kate Middleton was momma. :-) From now on you can call me Princess Christi, Duchess of Saginaw. :-)
I have realized so much lately how truly lucky I am, no blessed...that's a much better word...family, friends, church, work. I am surrounded by amazing people. People who love me enough to pray for me each and every day and are always there to listen to me when I'm having a meltdown of some sort. It makes me question how people make it one single day without God in their life. Where does their hope come from? How do they find their purpose? How on Earth do they make it through the most difficult trials that life throws their direction? It baffles me actually, and it also saddens me more than that.
As if I didn't already know this, but I am often reminded what a powerful tool prayer is. It truly changes things...it makes a way..it helps the hurting stop, mends the broken hearts, envelops those at the center of it in peace. AMAZING!!! God answers prayers, He answers those in time of need, He walks with them through their trials, and carries them when they can't take another step on their own. What a truly AWESOME God we serve, and even more crazy that He loves me so very much, more than I could ever imagine.
There are so many things I am looking forward to in the coming months,but I will save that for another blog! =0) Hopefully some sense could be made of my ramblings!

Giving this blogging thing a try

So, I have decided to blog, (possibly because it's hip and trendy,) to see what the craze is. :-) 
Let's see....today was a normal day around the Blain household...church, lunch and then church again. Believe me, I'm not complaining at all. We are part of an amazing church, and the service today was incredible. We sang one of my favorite worship songs, "Revelation Song." If you haven't heard it, it's a definite must! Here's my FAVORITE part of the song..."Filled with wonder,Awestruck wonder at the mention of Your Name. Jesus, Your Name is Power,Breath, and Living Water,Such a marvelous mystery."
Singing is a passion of mine. It's something I've loved doing since I was 4. I still remember the first song I sang in church, "Calvary." Surprisingly, I still remember every single word too. =) My grandpa stood me on a chair on  stage so everyone could see me. Such a precious memory. I remember him crying as I was sitting in his lap singing to him for the first time too. 
One day I really hope to be an amazing song writer like my grandpa was...it'd be nice to record albums, and play guitar as well as he can too. 
Wow...who knew this blog would take this direction??!?! There's so much I could talk about, but singing is just one of those things that's a part of me...it's what I do. I don't claim to be the best, but I can also recognize and be humbled that God blessed me with a voice to worship and to lead people to worship Him.
So this was how I ended my day. I am attempting to potty train my 2 year old Dex,  and this is the best way to keep him on the potty...the best reading material EVER...Elmo of course....

Okay...I think I've said enough for blog #1!! I'll leave you with one of my favorite scriptures since I am about to head to bed... Psalms 4:8 "I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety."