Sometimes the Storms Come....

So the past two days I have cried so much that I could no longer see out of my contacts. That was the past two days, but really the past several weeks have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Lots of crying, some for myself and some for friends struggling.

I hate seeing my friends hurting. It makes me hurt especially when I know there's nothing I can do to take it away. I just want so badly for everyone around me to feel joy and to not struggle so much, and lately it seems like everyone around me is dealing with a major trial. It truly grieves my heart. 

The one thing this has taught me is some things just aren't worth worrying about. Someone really hurt me by talking about me and my family, not just to one but several people. What they were saying was untrue, and very hurtful especially when they have no idea what I struggle with each and every day. The fact of the matter is being bitter isn't hurting anyone but me. I have let it go and it's in God's hands now. Those who love me know what to believe and if they have questions they will come to me. Either way, I'm not letting it steal another second of my joy.

So after coming to this conclusion on one issue we were blindsided yesterday with some news about my mom. She had a CT scan due to some headaches and received the dreaded call back, "We found something." Yesterday evening was pretty much a nightmare. Every scenario possible running through my head..they found a mass. All I knew is there was NO WAY I was losing my mom. I lead worship at church with my dad even though both of us had a million other places we would rather be...in a hole curled up crying sounded more appealing than worshiping God. As we sang though, God wrapped his loving arms around me. "You are my strength when I am weak. You are the treasure that I seek..You are my all in ALL..When I fall down you pick me up. When I am dry You fill my cup." I will never understand why people don't live a life worshiping and praising God. He truly will meet you in the most desperate situation.

So today was the appointment and my mom has a brain tumor. It is not cancer!!! PRAISE GOD!!! She will be having surgery next Wednesday to have it removed, and because of the location they will not be able to remove the whole thing. She will have radiation to make sure whats left does not grow. The good news is that the neurosurgeon has seen several of her exact cases this month, and so he's familiar with this procedure. Her prognosis is good. Please pray for our family. While I know the news we got is far better than what we imagined, it is still scary, and the road to recovery for my mom is still long. I know she is in God's hands and she will be okay. 

In closing, all I can say is I have the most amazing friends ever!! I can honestly say I do not know what I would ever do without each and every one of you praying for and encouraging me. No wonder each of your struggles effects me so deeply. I love you all and look forward to telling you all how well my mom is doing next week after her surgery!!!

Neurologist Appointment Tomorrow

So tomorrow I go back to the neurologist for my follow up appointment on my migraines. There's a good chance since my migraines are few and far between and since they have never again been as bad as the night I went to the ER, he will begin weaning me off the medication.
I've described the positives that have come from being on this medicine, but there have also been some very evident negative effects too. I am easily annoyed, not quite as patient, very snippy, quite moody...None of these are me. It's actually been quite depressing feeling like another person has taken over my body, someone I can't control. To tell you how serious the change is, Aaron actually asked if I would ask the doctor to prescribe me another prescription. He obviously gets the brunt of my moodiness and snippiness...well, because he's annoying!! ;0) Just kidding...maybe!! =0)
Needless to say I am so grateful for the things I've been able to get off of my chest after so many years. The fact that my medication makes it almost impossible to keep my mouth shut especially when I'm being mistreated can be thanked for that. I guess I'm just hoping to find a balance between "door mat" and "mean." I do believe mean is a little extreme, because I'm really not mean, but mean for me if that makes any sense at all. I just want to be me again. Me without medication, me without migraines.
Lastly, I want to be me without the fear of having a migraine so severe again. I know that fear is not something that God gives us, and that I am not to live in fear, but that is SO hard for me. I have never been as scared as I was the night we called 9-1-1 and the night when half of my body went numb and my vision got spotty. Yes, if it happens again I'll know what's going on, but the thing is I don't ever want to feel that way again!!
So please pray that God will give me peace if the doc feels it's okay to take me off my medication. He said some patients are perfectly fine and others have their migraines come back immediately. God has been so faithful to me, and I feel so silly being scared, but I am! Thanks friends for loving me and praying for me!!

The Beauty of Migraine Meds

Let's just say I've been going through a rough patch. I'm just emotionally drained for many reasons, well if I'm being honest one very specific one in particular. I'm not going to get into details, but basically before I got on my migraine meds I was what people would consider a 'doormat.' I would never speak my mind and would let people talk me into doing certain things that I knew I didn't like or want for me or my family. Obviously we're not talking high school stuff like drugs or alcohol...just day to day decisions that come up. 

I've always believed everything happens for a reason and in this instance I am really beginning to see it. For a while I was calling my new outspoken self 'Mean Christi." I felt uncomfortable and sad that I was starting to voice certain things I never would have before and people were starting to notice that WOW I ACTUALLY have opinions. =0) Now I'm beginning to realize that this is a very positive thing. While it did take finding out about something very hurtful someone said about my family, I am starting to be vocal about feelings I've kept locked up for quite some time now, because I didn't want to 'rock the boat' or be mean.  While I am very excited about the prospect of getting off the meds at the beginning of July. I hope that I don't lose this spark that I have. Certain issues could have been resolved years ago had I not chose to keep my mouth shut. 

With all that being said, as hard as this past month or two has been on me, God has been revealing so much to me..little rays of hope in what seemed like utter darkness and hopelessness. 

A couple of Sundays ago, when I was picking out the worship set list each song was picked for a very specific reason: 

"It Is Well"- No matter what may be going on in this world and how ugly it is, I know "it is well with my soul." Even if it's never okay here...I know where I'll be in the end.

"Blessed Be Your Name"- "Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your Name." Just fit so perfectly with all that I'm going through.

"Desert Song"- "All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship." It's so very true. No matter what I'm going through, He is faithful and is worthy of all my praise.

"Your Name" "Your Name is a strong and mighty tower. Your name is shelter like no other...Nothing has the power to save, but your name." Time and time again He has shown me that He truly is my shelter from the storms of this life. and lastly...

"Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus"- My favorite line and why I picked it.."and the things of Earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

That's what's so amazing about God, He gives us what we need when we need it. These songs ministered to me while I lead worship. I was able to share my heart, and that reaches people. Trials stink, I hate them! Who doesn't? Unfortunately they are a part of this evil and sinful world. In the end God gets the glory, and as   one of the songs we're singing this Sunday morning says, "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us and if our God is with us then what can stand against?" Sometimes it may seem like we're all alone. Even if those that should be supporting us on this Earth aren't, our Heavenly Father is. That's truly more than enough to get us through any trial. 

I know this was REALLY long, but in conclusion after being hurt and discouraged this week, I remembered this verse. Love how God works!!

John 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will^[a] have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

That deserves an AMEN and a Praise God!! =0)

God Is Still Here

Time is supposed to change things, but I'm still waiting.

Every day is a battle and it seems I'll never overcome. 

Beaten down and defeated, I desperately want to surrender.

There's an enemy at every corner feeding the flames that already burn uncontrollably.
I'm finding it harder and harder to see the light through the darkness of smoke and ash.
God is still here.
I feel Him leading me gently with the light of His love.
He's been listening all these years, giving me strength to endure, pushing me through the pain, frustration and helplessness.
Aware of every tear I've cried and how close I've come to breaking,
His gentle embrace always holds me together.

Catching up and What God has Shown Me

Alrighty folks, it's been a while. A lot has been going on, but I just haven't really had the time or really felt like 'writing' it down. First off..... Dex turned 3:

Brett turned 12 and we braved a sleep over and survived! =0)

I think that about covers the big events. Now onto what God has been revealing to me over the past month or so. I can honestly say I've been struggling quite a bit with a lot of different stuff. The details don't really matter. God knows and I have many close friends praying for me and who have kept me sane and smiling through this valley. It's just seems like I've been attacked from every side and it's been overwhelming to say the least. Here's my biggest dilemma though, which also leads to what God has revealed to me.
I have a huge problem with comparing my struggles with those of my friends, (trust me,so many of my friends are going through some incredibly trying times,) and when I do this I end up feeling like an idiot. Their pain is greater, their mountain taller, their struggle so much harder than anything I could ever imagine. Even typing this and thinking about their different individual circumstances brings tears to my eyes and makes my hills, not even mountains, seem so insignificant.
Here's what God has taught me though. He doesn't think my struggles are insignificant at all. If I'm hurting, He's hurting too. What's important to me is also important to Him. He longs for all His children to feel joy and happiness and peace. The beauty of it all is that God doesn't prioritize as I would. I'm not a saint, but I know there are so many that struggles far exceed mine. God can handle it all, you see? He doesn't have to tell me to go away and get over it because so-and-so needs Him more. He's big enough to carry us all. Coming to this realization made me cry tears of joy..as does typing it. I love that His arms are so big and so loving and that He cares for each one of us individually. You see I haven't been blogging, because I've really been focusing on letting God move in my life..move in my circumstances. Are things better?Yes and no, but I have a peace knowing that God will carry me through.

Weekend Wrap Up

So this weekend was crazy busy. Those of you who know me, know that I prefer a weekend filled with very little so my weekend doesn't fly by and I am left feeling exhausted. In spite of the hustle and bustle of this weekend, I am actually feeling quite refreshed and ready to face another week.
Friday was a lot of fun! We watched our friends renew their wedding vows on their 10 year wedding anniversary. It was very sweet! That was followed up by some yummy dinner at Mi Cocina, frozen yogurt and then we finished the evening with Touch and laundry at home. :)
Saturday I woke up and did a 5K for the 2nd annual Coleson's F.R.O.G! It's a great event that helps those that are dealing with pediatric cancer. I walked it this year, but my goal next year is to train and actually run/jog the whole thing. We shall see though. It was a beautiful day to be part of a great cause. It was honestly nice to workout for a change. I'm hoping I can get myself feeling better, so I can start making working out a part of my  daily/weekly routine.
Saturday evening was definitely the biggest thing I've ever been a part of. I considered it a great privilege and honor to lead worship at the Donnie Swaggert Crusade. My nerves started kicking in big time as the hours ticked by leading up to practice. The crazy thing about it is unlike most people, it wasn't because I was so in awe of Mr. Swaggert. He is just a person, just a man.  He's no better than you or me. Don't get me wrong, he's an amazing pastor, but I think so often we put so much emphasis on man, when really it should all be about God. We think if we bring in a world renowned pastor in that God's going to move in a mighty way, but it doesn't take that. It takes us truly seeking His face. Sorry, trailed off a bit there, my nerves were the pressure of  leading hundreds of people in worship...something I had never done before and didn't really think I was capable of doing. I'm no Kari Jobe..honestly I will never be. Of course everything leading up to practice was a disaster, but once we actually got to the point of running through our music it just flowed. The band, the harmony, everything during the service was phenomenal. The best part about it is God gets all the glory. It was all about Him. He moved. His presence was there, and it had nothing to do with me at all. (As it should be.) The theme of the music even fit in with what Pastor Swaggert talked about. I love how God works. This morning we got to just sit and enjoy the crusade. Worship was amazing this morning. I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing..basking in God's love from me.
So as you can see, even though this weekend was full, God worked it out. I don't feel quite as frustrated as I have the past couple of weeks with just about everything. Thank you God for this weekend of refreshing.

Tuesday Tunes-Where I Belong- Building 429

I know I've been so bad about posting a song every Tuesday, but every time I hear this song, I want to post it. I always forget the name of it by the time Tuesday rolls around though. ;0) I finally remembered. All I can say is lately it seems like it has been one thing after another with my health and whatever other drama has decided to pop up, so I've been discouraged off and on quite a bit. I find the words of this song so encouraging. This isn't as good as it gets for me. Praise God this is NOT my home and is NOT where I belong. "All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong." Love this. If you're going through a rough time, I encourage you to remember the words to this song. If Jesus if your Savior, this is the worst for us. We have a heavenly home awaiting us. Praise God!!