Sparks of Hope and Joy

   I'm really trying to make this a weekly thing, but time just keeps flying by with no time to sit and write. Since I wrote last, I am happy to report I am doing so much better. I am eating 3 times a day and I'm no longer crying ever day.  As my sweet friend told me, she's happy that I'm crying just my normal amount now. :) I'm no longer having dizzy spells and my blood work came back completely normal. Praise the Lord!

    I can only credit God and some of the best friends in the whole entire world for how I'm feeling now, because the world is still so heavy, and my friends are still hurting. I have realized that it's not my job to carry the weight of everyones burdens around with me daily. Yes, it's my job to be there, really be there. The best friend I can be is to be there, and then battle for my precious people on my knees. Jesus loves them more than I ever could, and I truly believe He will see them through it all.     

    Hope and joy are strange things. I had definitely fallen into a pit of deep sadness without really noticing, but there were still sparks of hope and joy. To most, I seemed to still have it all together. It was in those times when people truly asked and wanted to know how I was doing that I began to realize that I couldn't really speak without crying. A little advice...be a person who truly wants to know how people are. It's so incredibly precious to know you're cared for. 

    A couple of weeks ago I learned a song to lead during worship called "Ancient Gates." I have 2 favorite lyrics. "Every tear is wiped away. We'll know no sorrow. Worship Him with joyful sound. Sing until your voice gives out." Then in the chorus it says, "Bring Him every prayer soaked lyric." In my case, tear soaked lyric is more accurate, but as the song states, "Jesus He's so worthy of it all." He's so worthy and not just in the good times. Honestly, He's more good in the hard times. He never leaves. He's always there. He's the only reason that I know my friends will be okay. He's the reason I can smile in the midst of great sorrow. 

    "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

    

Maybe I'm Not Okay...But I Will Be

 It's been so long since I've written anything other than a Facebook post. I often forget how much I love writing, how therapeutic and healing it can be.  Maybe it's the outlet I've been missing.

I won't go into the details of all that's happened over the last 6 months, but it's been a lot of hard. There have been devastating losses, heartbreaking phone calls, health scares, and the many regular stresses that exist from being an adult, a parent.

It's so crazy how you can power through, feeling like you're handling everything great, until you realize that you're not. I've been having spells of being light headed for maybe a month. The last 2 weeks, they became daily and several times a day. I finally went to the doctor and had blood work done to finally figure out what in the world was going on with me.

As I was answering the doctor's questions, I began to realize that maybe all that I'd been dealing with was tied to all the big emotions I'd been dealing with or perhaps not dealing with. As I told her of all that had happened over the last 6 months, my eyes started to fill with tears. Then she asked me about my eating. That's when it hit me that I hadn't really been eating any meal other than dinner consistently. Sadly the first thought that popped into my head upon this realization was how am I not skinnier then? Those old thoughts that lead me to bulimia over a decade ago never seem to completely disappear. 

After my doctor's visit, I began to realize that I had been so consumed with everything going on around me, I just stopped paying attention to how I was actually doing. I had just been going through everyday trying to be everything I felt I needed to be for everyone else, that I lost myself a bit along the way. 

I've been crying a lot for many reasons, but recently it was over how I got to this point. How does one not even realize that maybe they're not doing their best? How do get to a point where you feel guilty for not being okay? 

Sometimes I feel like a fraud, but at the same time, I do truly believe in the hope and joy that I have through Jesus. Honestly, He is the only reason I'm not curled up in the fetal position crying in a dark room. I've just realized that it's still okay to be sad. It's okay to reach out when you're not okay. We are to share one another burdens, because we are all going through something. How close is a friendship if you aren't willing to be honest about how you're truly doing? 

I'm so grateful that God is big enough to carry it all. He cares about my pain and heartbreak even though I feel it's so much less significant than what my closest friends are facing. He knows and sees every tear I've cried. He loves me and all my mess, and He also loves and cares for my friends better than I ever could. 

I've realized I've been carrying or attempting to carry the weight of all the loss and sadness. It's not in my strength or my power to do that. I love being there for the people I love, and I forever will be. I need to do a better job at laying it all at Jesus' feet and trusting that He's got it covered. 

If you've made it this far, I am okay. I will be okay. I just have to do some reassessing of all that I've let slip in the midst of all the hard. A verse that's been a huge comfort is John 16:33: These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good courage, I have overcome the world. <3 

Jesus is the answer. I will keep worshipping, keep praying, keep trusting, and keep reading His word. He is so faithful. 

Step out in Faith and Follow

I'm not even sure where to begin. Writing has always been something I love, but it's always the first thing to go when life gets crazy, and boy is life crazy these days. There's so much going on, and sometimes it feels beyond overwhelming. So tonight, while the kids are getting along, I write.
There have been so many things on my heart lately. Most of them I've continued to ignore because I'm just too tired to follow through. That has changed recently. For the last year, I feel like I've been in a rut, not making a real difference in my day to day to life. I've just been existing, stuck in the routine of the tasks from day to day. It's so frustrating feeling unfulfilled. A couple of years ago now, I felt led to start a women's group. We met once or twice, and then I let myself get too busy. It became a daunting obligation that I didn't want to make time for anymore. That has changed now. I have started the group again, and we will meet for the first time in July. I'm super stoked to begin and really don't feel stressed about it at all. It's a relief to know I'm walking out what I believe to be a calling on my life.
Another thing I never thought I would do was start my own stream. My husband and one of our dear friends started streaming over a year ago. The impact they are making is incredible. Aaron has been pushing me to start a worship channel, and I streamed for the first time on Monday. It was a bit overwhelming and scary, but something happens when I begin to sing and worship. I've realized after many years of being my worst critic, that one of the main ingredients of being a great worship leader is the heart behind the leading. Am I the best singer? Nope. Am I the best musician? HA, absolutely not! BUT, do I love Jesus and singing praises to His name? More than anything. It's such a huge burden lifted when you realize that it's not about you. If the focus is truly on the One you're singing about, people will follow and they will recognize the counterfeit. It's weird being a leader who hates people looking at her. It's also still very strange to me that I am a leader. Then again, I do believe we should all be leading someone.
I'm so grateful for all that God has given me. I get so caught up in what's going on in the moment and forget to look at all the good around me. I am privileged to lead worship. What an honor it is to do something that I've loved since I was a child standing on a chair singing in church. How amazing is it to have a platform online to sing songs of hope to those who feel hopeless? I'm still baffled that anyone would watch, but then again, I'm also shocked that anyone would want to come to a women's group lead by me. HA! God truly does work in mysterious ways, using someone awkward and uncomfortable ...a person who hates people looking at them.
I guess I write all this to encourage you. Don't just exist. Follow your God-given passions. They are passions for a reason. We serve a limitless God who can do wonderful things through those who will step out in faith and follow.

Merry Go Round

     I feel like I need to write, but for some reason I don't really know what to say. Life has been tough recently, pretty much all of 2018.What I had hoped would be the year of awesome, has become the year of random ailments. I have questioned everything about what I'm doing this year.
I've come very close to just quitting, not on life, but specifically leading worship more times than I can even count. Do I still love playing, singing, worshipping....ABSOLUTELY!!! I've just been so exhausted, drained...how can you give when you feel you've already been completely depleted? I guess you could say I've been running pretty close to empty for the last couple of months.
     The craziest part about it all is I really don't have a lot to complain about or anything to truly be unhappy about. I just can't seem to handle stress well or control my anxiety.
Before anyone feels the need to guess what I'm doing wrong, I am reading my bible, praying, listening to worship music and seeking God. I feel sometimes, that is the reason I feel so much opposition.  I'm also working out to help relieve my anxiety and stress levels. Somehow I still feel stuck in this place of exhaustion.
     What I'm realizing is maybe I put too much pressure on myself. When I'm off from work, if I can, I still feel the need to answer emails. Today I actually had to force myself to  not look at work emails. I stress about what I might have missed before I clocked out for some much needed time off. I find myself logging in a day early to catch up so I'm not overwhelmed when I come back. Is anyone asking me to do this? No, I just feel the need to prove that I'm worth keeping around...typing that makes even me question what in the world my problem is.
     I feel like I've had an epiphany just typing that. That seems to be what all my issues stem from...proving I'm worthy....that I'm good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. It's been a constant merry go round. Comparison can be such a defeating thing. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."Eleanor Roosevelt. 
     I've spent my life allowing everyone to make me feel inferior. My life verse is Psalm 139:14 I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works and that my soul knows very well. I know that God does not make mistakes. He created me with one dimple, the ability to cry at the drop of hat, blue eyes, a tender heart...He created me, ME, for a specific plan and purpose.Comparison only keeps me from truly chasing after His plan for my life. Instead of reaching my full potential, I'm crippled by wondering if I'm good enough to complete the task at hand.
   

Health Struggles and The Garden

I hesitate to write this. I never want to seem like I'm complaining or whining. I am very much aware that there are those in desperate situations that I could never even begin to imagine or comprehend. This is where I've been struggling lately.

I have probably been feeling awful for about a month now. My symptoms have been all over the place: chest pain, chest tightness, numbness in arms, feeling like my throat is closing in, nausea, etc. I went to the ER a week ago, because I was so afraid I was having a heart attack. A couple of days later my symptoms seemed to worsen, so I made an appointment with my doctor. I was diagnosed with some sort of stomach bacteria. This was causing a lot of the pain along with some awful reflux. I am on a steroid and 3 antibiotics right now, and unfortunately those come with their own set of side effects.

Tonight I had some sort of episode. It hurt to touch my skin, my throat felt swollen, and my whole body was just achy. In situations like these, I struggle with whether I'm crazy or if there's really something wrong. It's so hard to explain to Aaron why I'm freaking out, and that in freaking out, I'm making my symptoms worse.

After popping a couple of Benadryl and doing some stretches to calm myself down, I decided a bath with candles and music couldn't hurt anything. As Kari Jobe's song "The Garden" started playing I couldn't help the tears. "Love is lifting me from sorrow, catching every tear. Dispelling every lie and torment, crushing all my fears. You crush all my fears with Your perfect love." Honestly I've been so afraid lately. So terrified that something is seriously wrong. Even with my diagnosis and the medicines helping, I can't seem to get passed these random episodes.

Taking that bath tonight, crying, worshiping, reading the psalms helped so much. Letting the lyrics wash over me while declaring the truth over my life and my situation, began to tear down those walls of fear that I've had for years regarding my health. I will not be defeated, and I refuse to let fear paralyze me.

The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, A refuge in times of trouble. And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.         Psalm 9:9

A New Vision

I've always wanted to be the faithful blogger, but I guess that's just not me. I had the pleasure of leading worship at a women's retreat at the beginning of this month. It was such an amazing time. Broken hearts were mended, chains were broken, lives were restored. It was such a lovely time listening to amazing women share their stories and what God has brought them out of. They shared their dreams and where they felt God was leading. The song that was on my heart while preparing for the weekend was "He Loves Us." While the chorus is so simple, the words are powerful. It's so easy to get swept away while singing with your whole heart "He Loves Us, Oh how He loves Us." I often think we sing lyrics without understanding the magnitude of what we're actually saying. The creator of the Heavens and the Earth loves ME. WOW!! :)

Prior to the retreat, I really felt in my heart that I needed to start a women's group. I've always been hesitant to step out and do something like this, because like most women I question my worth and what I have to even offer. So many of my friends are hurting right now and life has been pretty hard the last couple of months for my family. Even if it's just me and those friends, I wanted to offer a time of worship, prayer, and encouragement. I feel as women we tend to tear each other down, compare ourselves to one another instead of building each other up. Being a mom is hard. Being a wife is hard. Just feeling like enough is hard. I'm not real sure what this group will end up looking like, but I just know in my heart it's something I need to do.

 I often question my ability to lead worship, but I truly feel like it is part of the calling on my life. I've also had a heart for women. I've been broken, struggled with self worth, and feeling the need to be different, someone other than who I am. It's so important to know that others share your struggles. Someone has walked your path or one very similar. Being real is so important.

So my dear friends, please pray as I start planning and preparing for this group. Pray that each woman that attends will feel loved and leave feeling encouraged. I want this to be a safe place to share, a house of healing.

A Little Transparency

I've been struggling for a while now. I'm not really sure why, but I've been in this constant state of funkiness. I've always been the worst about comparing myself to other people. She/He sings better than me, she's skinnier, prettier, smarter....and on and on and on.
I feel silly for the constant struggle. I mean I'm a 35 year old woman who still constantly struggles with insecurity, feeling good enough and valued.  The worst part about it is I have an amazing husband who loves me so much. He's encouraging, he compliments me, he loves me the way I should be loved. I have beautiful, healthy children. I have the privilege of leading worship at church, a great job,and some of he best friends a girl could ask for, so WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!??!
At church we've been talking about the devil...our enemy and adversary.  He knows how to get to us. He knows how to get us in the way of ourselves. I've talked before about the years I struggled with bulimia. It's crazy that even though it's been 13 or more years since I've done it, I still struggle when I look in the mirror, when I go shopping for clothes. I always feel the need to run 1 or 2 more miles, and beat myself up over what I ate or drank. I'm constantly reminded of past mistakes. I know I've been forgiven, but again, it's so hard to forgive myself.
Lately I've just wanted to throw in the towel. Before you freak out, I don't mean life in general. Leading worship has been the main thing that I go back and forth on whether or not I should continue. I LOVE LOVE LOVE worship. It's who I am, and it's what I do. But lately, I haven't been sure that's enough reason to continue doing it, leading it. I've been tired, exhausted, which sounds strange, because worship is supposed to be one of the easiest ways to serve in the church,right? Ha ha! Sometimes rather than leading, I just want to sit back and be lead myself. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me. I will never stop worshiping. I've never needed a microphone for that. God is so worthy. He's brought me out of so much, and that's why I will always sing praises to Him.
Sometimes I wish the same struggles didn't constantly rear their ugly heads,  but at the same time, they work, so why would it need to change.
Today at church was what I needed. I'm broken and very much in need of a Savior. I'm so grateful that in my weakness, He becomes strong. I'm thankful that He is enough. I can rest in Him. He is hope, He is love, He is all I need.
I think it's so important to be real with each other. The beauty of the body of Christ is that we are here to bear one another's burdens, to pray for each other, and lift each other up. I don't ever want it to seem like I have it all together, because I know, for me, those are the people I would never confide in. I want to be an ear for those who are struggling, a safe place to go.
I didn't share this to be a discouragement. I know God has me. I know my family has me. I know that whatever THIS is, is preparing me for the next assignment He has for me.  I'm just going to keep seeking His will for my life.