Love, Love, Love

So, my last post was about me crying a lot. ;0) This one is going to be a bit different. I've really felt overwhelmed with God's love lately, and while it's awesome, it's got me thinking. Here goes...
With the election times bringing out the worst in people, arguing about this and that, who's better than who, I just can't help thinking we're missing the BIGGER picture. What our country really needs is to realize that we need God more than anything. We need to fall back in love with Him. We as Christians need to love. We need to love as HE loved or I should say as He LOVES. I know it sounds cheesy and simplistic, but can you imagine a world where Christians ACTUALLY acted like Christ? An America where the church was operating as an extension of His loving arms?
We have the Hope that so many people are longing for, the Love they all need. I think what so many fail to understand is that you don't have to agree with someone to love them. The bickering I see between Christians on Facebook so often is so heartbreaking to me. What is that saying to those who are lost? Not to mention, whatever issue you are arguing about, is it as important as a soul lost and going to Hell or someone who is barely making it through each day, because they've lost all hope. We are the only Jesus some people will ever see, and it's so important that we're conveying His true character. Yes, He hates sin, He despises it! We know this, but it's still so important that we "Love them like Jesus." We need to show people compassion, His compassion.
I guess I've just realized lately that we get worked up over such trivial things. Our soul purpose is to point people to the cross. God in His love and mercy will do the rest. I know none of us are perfect, and I for one am far from it. We have to strive daily to let Jesus shine through us, so that others will come to know the Hope that we've found in Him.

An Aching Heart and Lots of Tears

 I have so much to share, but finding the quiet time to sit and gather my thoughts always seems to be the problem. It's a bit discouraging knowing that there really aren't too many people that read what I write on here, but then again, I'm thrilled that ANYONE at all wants to hear what I have to say. ;0)
God has been working on me big time. I can't even say it's been since my mom was given the news of her brain tumor. She's doing AMAZING by the way!! Praise God!! It's really been going on for a while now. I'd venture to say once I started leading worship is when I really started noticing Him molding me. I've been praying for a long time for God to use me, and it's really strange how He has been.
For those of you who that have had the privilege of knowing me for a while..(totally kidding) know that I've always been a pretty sensitive person, a crier. Lately I pretty much cry on a daily basis. Sometimes it hits me at work, in the car, while I'm in bed trying to go to sleep, or it could be a song I hear on the radio.
Yesterday as I was driving the song came on that says, "All I know is I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus. This is not where I belong." I just started crying.... God has literally been breaking my heart for everyone, at least it feels that way. My heart hurts for our country, my heart hurts for my friends, my heart hurts for Christians who lack compassion, my heart hurts for people I know who are going to Hell,my heart hurts for those suffering loss, my heart hurts for those fighting cancer, my heart hurts for the families of those fighting cancer, my heart hurts that no one cares about the millions of babies murdered through abortion...MY HEART ACHES and I cry. I can't stop it, and it often overwhelms me at awkward times.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want it to stop. We should all feel and hurt for each other. Isn't that what it's all about...Christ's LOVE. If we don't care, then WE should really take a long hard look in the mirror. I'm not telling you to walk around crying all the time like me, but take the time to feel. Often times, our first instinct is to judge instead of love and pray. We could never understand or comprehend what everyone's going through, but God sure does.
We as Christians are to be the light of the world. The best way to shine through the darkness and ugliness of this world is to show Christ's love. There's so much more God has been revealing to me, but I'll save that when I have another quiet moment. Love you all so much!

I Think It's Official..Migraine Meds are Making Me CRAZY

So, while I have so much to say that is so amazing and that God has been revealing to me...I'm not quite ready to put it all into words yet. So for now I will give you an update on me and the wonderful world of Christi on migraine meds.
At my last appointment my doctor decided that I needed to be on the meds for another 6 months. I understood, and up to that point, the only side effect was the 'meaner' Christi. Lately I'm noticing some other changes. I think I am beginning to slow down mentally. It's nothing crazy, but sometimes it's hard for me to think of what I'm trying to say, and it's incredibly frustrating. I'm also finding myself saying some really silly stuff. Example: I've been using my phone to charge my guitar. What I meant to say is I've been using my phone to TUNE my guitar. I've been saying fun stuff like that more frequently, and while I'll admit we all do this sometimes. I promise I have never done this as often as I do now.
I am still pretty blunt, but it's still to the point where it's funny and not rude. My friends find most of what comes out of my mouth quite amusing.
Today, I think was the icing on the cake. My boss gave me something back at the end of the day yesterday. I was asking her about it today saying I still didn't have it. She kept saying I know I gave it to you, and I kept saying I really don't remember you giving it to me. This back and forth happened for a while, very respectfully I might add. Then something clicked. I went to the drawer where I lock my things up at the end of the day and there it was. Honestly, as silly as it sounds. It makes me kind of sad. I literally feel like I'm losing my mind.
I guess it's time I call the neurologist and just see if he can lower my dose or see if my brain is going to be permanently slowed down by these meds even once I come off of them. It's so frustrating. I try to laugh about it most of the time, but it's starting to get to me!
The thought of being on these for another 4 months does not sound appealing at all, especially if it effects me even more.
Prayers are greatly appreciated!!

Sometimes the Storms Come....

So the past two days I have cried so much that I could no longer see out of my contacts. That was the past two days, but really the past several weeks have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Lots of crying, some for myself and some for friends struggling.

I hate seeing my friends hurting. It makes me hurt especially when I know there's nothing I can do to take it away. I just want so badly for everyone around me to feel joy and to not struggle so much, and lately it seems like everyone around me is dealing with a major trial. It truly grieves my heart. 

The one thing this has taught me is some things just aren't worth worrying about. Someone really hurt me by talking about me and my family, not just to one but several people. What they were saying was untrue, and very hurtful especially when they have no idea what I struggle with each and every day. The fact of the matter is being bitter isn't hurting anyone but me. I have let it go and it's in God's hands now. Those who love me know what to believe and if they have questions they will come to me. Either way, I'm not letting it steal another second of my joy.

So after coming to this conclusion on one issue we were blindsided yesterday with some news about my mom. She had a CT scan due to some headaches and received the dreaded call back, "We found something." Yesterday evening was pretty much a nightmare. Every scenario possible running through my head..they found a mass. All I knew is there was NO WAY I was losing my mom. I lead worship at church with my dad even though both of us had a million other places we would rather be...in a hole curled up crying sounded more appealing than worshiping God. As we sang though, God wrapped his loving arms around me. "You are my strength when I am weak. You are the treasure that I seek..You are my all in ALL..When I fall down you pick me up. When I am dry You fill my cup." I will never understand why people don't live a life worshiping and praising God. He truly will meet you in the most desperate situation.

So today was the appointment and my mom has a brain tumor. It is not cancer!!! PRAISE GOD!!! She will be having surgery next Wednesday to have it removed, and because of the location they will not be able to remove the whole thing. She will have radiation to make sure whats left does not grow. The good news is that the neurosurgeon has seen several of her exact cases this month, and so he's familiar with this procedure. Her prognosis is good. Please pray for our family. While I know the news we got is far better than what we imagined, it is still scary, and the road to recovery for my mom is still long. I know she is in God's hands and she will be okay. 

In closing, all I can say is I have the most amazing friends ever!! I can honestly say I do not know what I would ever do without each and every one of you praying for and encouraging me. No wonder each of your struggles effects me so deeply. I love you all and look forward to telling you all how well my mom is doing next week after her surgery!!!

Neurologist Appointment Tomorrow

So tomorrow I go back to the neurologist for my follow up appointment on my migraines. There's a good chance since my migraines are few and far between and since they have never again been as bad as the night I went to the ER, he will begin weaning me off the medication.
I've described the positives that have come from being on this medicine, but there have also been some very evident negative effects too. I am easily annoyed, not quite as patient, very snippy, quite moody...None of these are me. It's actually been quite depressing feeling like another person has taken over my body, someone I can't control. To tell you how serious the change is, Aaron actually asked if I would ask the doctor to prescribe me another prescription. He obviously gets the brunt of my moodiness and snippiness...well, because he's annoying!! ;0) Just kidding...maybe!! =0)
Needless to say I am so grateful for the things I've been able to get off of my chest after so many years. The fact that my medication makes it almost impossible to keep my mouth shut especially when I'm being mistreated can be thanked for that. I guess I'm just hoping to find a balance between "door mat" and "mean." I do believe mean is a little extreme, because I'm really not mean, but mean for me if that makes any sense at all. I just want to be me again. Me without medication, me without migraines.
Lastly, I want to be me without the fear of having a migraine so severe again. I know that fear is not something that God gives us, and that I am not to live in fear, but that is SO hard for me. I have never been as scared as I was the night we called 9-1-1 and the night when half of my body went numb and my vision got spotty. Yes, if it happens again I'll know what's going on, but the thing is I don't ever want to feel that way again!!
So please pray that God will give me peace if the doc feels it's okay to take me off my medication. He said some patients are perfectly fine and others have their migraines come back immediately. God has been so faithful to me, and I feel so silly being scared, but I am! Thanks friends for loving me and praying for me!!

The Beauty of Migraine Meds

Let's just say I've been going through a rough patch. I'm just emotionally drained for many reasons, well if I'm being honest one very specific one in particular. I'm not going to get into details, but basically before I got on my migraine meds I was what people would consider a 'doormat.' I would never speak my mind and would let people talk me into doing certain things that I knew I didn't like or want for me or my family. Obviously we're not talking high school stuff like drugs or alcohol...just day to day decisions that come up. 

I've always believed everything happens for a reason and in this instance I am really beginning to see it. For a while I was calling my new outspoken self 'Mean Christi." I felt uncomfortable and sad that I was starting to voice certain things I never would have before and people were starting to notice that WOW I ACTUALLY have opinions. =0) Now I'm beginning to realize that this is a very positive thing. While it did take finding out about something very hurtful someone said about my family, I am starting to be vocal about feelings I've kept locked up for quite some time now, because I didn't want to 'rock the boat' or be mean.  While I am very excited about the prospect of getting off the meds at the beginning of July. I hope that I don't lose this spark that I have. Certain issues could have been resolved years ago had I not chose to keep my mouth shut. 

With all that being said, as hard as this past month or two has been on me, God has been revealing so much to me..little rays of hope in what seemed like utter darkness and hopelessness. 

A couple of Sundays ago, when I was picking out the worship set list each song was picked for a very specific reason: 

"It Is Well"- No matter what may be going on in this world and how ugly it is, I know "it is well with my soul." Even if it's never okay here...I know where I'll be in the end.

"Blessed Be Your Name"- "Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your Name." Just fit so perfectly with all that I'm going through.

"Desert Song"- "All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship." It's so very true. No matter what I'm going through, He is faithful and is worthy of all my praise.

"Your Name" "Your Name is a strong and mighty tower. Your name is shelter like no other...Nothing has the power to save, but your name." Time and time again He has shown me that He truly is my shelter from the storms of this life. and lastly...

"Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus"- My favorite line and why I picked it.."and the things of Earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

That's what's so amazing about God, He gives us what we need when we need it. These songs ministered to me while I lead worship. I was able to share my heart, and that reaches people. Trials stink, I hate them! Who doesn't? Unfortunately they are a part of this evil and sinful world. In the end God gets the glory, and as   one of the songs we're singing this Sunday morning says, "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us and if our God is with us then what can stand against?" Sometimes it may seem like we're all alone. Even if those that should be supporting us on this Earth aren't, our Heavenly Father is. That's truly more than enough to get us through any trial. 

I know this was REALLY long, but in conclusion after being hurt and discouraged this week, I remembered this verse. Love how God works!!

John 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will^[a] have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

That deserves an AMEN and a Praise God!! =0)

God Is Still Here

Time is supposed to change things, but I'm still waiting.

Every day is a battle and it seems I'll never overcome. 

Beaten down and defeated, I desperately want to surrender.

There's an enemy at every corner feeding the flames that already burn uncontrollably.
I'm finding it harder and harder to see the light through the darkness of smoke and ash.
God is still here.
I feel Him leading me gently with the light of His love.
He's been listening all these years, giving me strength to endure, pushing me through the pain, frustration and helplessness.
Aware of every tear I've cried and how close I've come to breaking,
His gentle embrace always holds me together.