Sometimes the Storms Come....

So the past two days I have cried so much that I could no longer see out of my contacts. That was the past two days, but really the past several weeks have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Lots of crying, some for myself and some for friends struggling.

I hate seeing my friends hurting. It makes me hurt especially when I know there's nothing I can do to take it away. I just want so badly for everyone around me to feel joy and to not struggle so much, and lately it seems like everyone around me is dealing with a major trial. It truly grieves my heart. 

The one thing this has taught me is some things just aren't worth worrying about. Someone really hurt me by talking about me and my family, not just to one but several people. What they were saying was untrue, and very hurtful especially when they have no idea what I struggle with each and every day. The fact of the matter is being bitter isn't hurting anyone but me. I have let it go and it's in God's hands now. Those who love me know what to believe and if they have questions they will come to me. Either way, I'm not letting it steal another second of my joy.

So after coming to this conclusion on one issue we were blindsided yesterday with some news about my mom. She had a CT scan due to some headaches and received the dreaded call back, "We found something." Yesterday evening was pretty much a nightmare. Every scenario possible running through my head..they found a mass. All I knew is there was NO WAY I was losing my mom. I lead worship at church with my dad even though both of us had a million other places we would rather be...in a hole curled up crying sounded more appealing than worshiping God. As we sang though, God wrapped his loving arms around me. "You are my strength when I am weak. You are the treasure that I seek..You are my all in ALL..When I fall down you pick me up. When I am dry You fill my cup." I will never understand why people don't live a life worshiping and praising God. He truly will meet you in the most desperate situation.

So today was the appointment and my mom has a brain tumor. It is not cancer!!! PRAISE GOD!!! She will be having surgery next Wednesday to have it removed, and because of the location they will not be able to remove the whole thing. She will have radiation to make sure whats left does not grow. The good news is that the neurosurgeon has seen several of her exact cases this month, and so he's familiar with this procedure. Her prognosis is good. Please pray for our family. While I know the news we got is far better than what we imagined, it is still scary, and the road to recovery for my mom is still long. I know she is in God's hands and she will be okay. 

In closing, all I can say is I have the most amazing friends ever!! I can honestly say I do not know what I would ever do without each and every one of you praying for and encouraging me. No wonder each of your struggles effects me so deeply. I love you all and look forward to telling you all how well my mom is doing next week after her surgery!!!

Neurologist Appointment Tomorrow

So tomorrow I go back to the neurologist for my follow up appointment on my migraines. There's a good chance since my migraines are few and far between and since they have never again been as bad as the night I went to the ER, he will begin weaning me off the medication.
I've described the positives that have come from being on this medicine, but there have also been some very evident negative effects too. I am easily annoyed, not quite as patient, very snippy, quite moody...None of these are me. It's actually been quite depressing feeling like another person has taken over my body, someone I can't control. To tell you how serious the change is, Aaron actually asked if I would ask the doctor to prescribe me another prescription. He obviously gets the brunt of my moodiness and snippiness...well, because he's annoying!! ;0) Just kidding...maybe!! =0)
Needless to say I am so grateful for the things I've been able to get off of my chest after so many years. The fact that my medication makes it almost impossible to keep my mouth shut especially when I'm being mistreated can be thanked for that. I guess I'm just hoping to find a balance between "door mat" and "mean." I do believe mean is a little extreme, because I'm really not mean, but mean for me if that makes any sense at all. I just want to be me again. Me without medication, me without migraines.
Lastly, I want to be me without the fear of having a migraine so severe again. I know that fear is not something that God gives us, and that I am not to live in fear, but that is SO hard for me. I have never been as scared as I was the night we called 9-1-1 and the night when half of my body went numb and my vision got spotty. Yes, if it happens again I'll know what's going on, but the thing is I don't ever want to feel that way again!!
So please pray that God will give me peace if the doc feels it's okay to take me off my medication. He said some patients are perfectly fine and others have their migraines come back immediately. God has been so faithful to me, and I feel so silly being scared, but I am! Thanks friends for loving me and praying for me!!