Sparks of Hope and Joy

   I'm really trying to make this a weekly thing, but time just keeps flying by with no time to sit and write. Since I wrote last, I am happy to report I am doing so much better. I am eating 3 times a day and I'm no longer crying ever day.  As my sweet friend told me, she's happy that I'm crying just my normal amount now. :) I'm no longer having dizzy spells and my blood work came back completely normal. Praise the Lord!

    I can only credit God and some of the best friends in the whole entire world for how I'm feeling now, because the world is still so heavy, and my friends are still hurting. I have realized that it's not my job to carry the weight of everyones burdens around with me daily. Yes, it's my job to be there, really be there. The best friend I can be is to be there, and then battle for my precious people on my knees. Jesus loves them more than I ever could, and I truly believe He will see them through it all.     

    Hope and joy are strange things. I had definitely fallen into a pit of deep sadness without really noticing, but there were still sparks of hope and joy. To most, I seemed to still have it all together. It was in those times when people truly asked and wanted to know how I was doing that I began to realize that I couldn't really speak without crying. A little advice...be a person who truly wants to know how people are. It's so incredibly precious to know you're cared for. 

    A couple of weeks ago I learned a song to lead during worship called "Ancient Gates." I have 2 favorite lyrics. "Every tear is wiped away. We'll know no sorrow. Worship Him with joyful sound. Sing until your voice gives out." Then in the chorus it says, "Bring Him every prayer soaked lyric." In my case, tear soaked lyric is more accurate, but as the song states, "Jesus He's so worthy of it all." He's so worthy and not just in the good times. Honestly, He's more good in the hard times. He never leaves. He's always there. He's the only reason that I know my friends will be okay. He's the reason I can smile in the midst of great sorrow. 

    "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

    

Maybe I'm Not Okay...But I Will Be

 It's been so long since I've written anything other than a Facebook post. I often forget how much I love writing, how therapeutic and healing it can be.  Maybe it's the outlet I've been missing.

I won't go into the details of all that's happened over the last 6 months, but it's been a lot of hard. There have been devastating losses, heartbreaking phone calls, health scares, and the many regular stresses that exist from being an adult, a parent.

It's so crazy how you can power through, feeling like you're handling everything great, until you realize that you're not. I've been having spells of being light headed for maybe a month. The last 2 weeks, they became daily and several times a day. I finally went to the doctor and had blood work done to finally figure out what in the world was going on with me.

As I was answering the doctor's questions, I began to realize that maybe all that I'd been dealing with was tied to all the big emotions I'd been dealing with or perhaps not dealing with. As I told her of all that had happened over the last 6 months, my eyes started to fill with tears. Then she asked me about my eating. That's when it hit me that I hadn't really been eating any meal other than dinner consistently. Sadly the first thought that popped into my head upon this realization was how am I not skinnier then? Those old thoughts that lead me to bulimia over a decade ago never seem to completely disappear. 

After my doctor's visit, I began to realize that I had been so consumed with everything going on around me, I just stopped paying attention to how I was actually doing. I had just been going through everyday trying to be everything I felt I needed to be for everyone else, that I lost myself a bit along the way. 

I've been crying a lot for many reasons, but recently it was over how I got to this point. How does one not even realize that maybe they're not doing their best? How do get to a point where you feel guilty for not being okay? 

Sometimes I feel like a fraud, but at the same time, I do truly believe in the hope and joy that I have through Jesus. Honestly, He is the only reason I'm not curled up in the fetal position crying in a dark room. I've just realized that it's still okay to be sad. It's okay to reach out when you're not okay. We are to share one another burdens, because we are all going through something. How close is a friendship if you aren't willing to be honest about how you're truly doing? 

I'm so grateful that God is big enough to carry it all. He cares about my pain and heartbreak even though I feel it's so much less significant than what my closest friends are facing. He knows and sees every tear I've cried. He loves me and all my mess, and He also loves and cares for my friends better than I ever could. 

I've realized I've been carrying or attempting to carry the weight of all the loss and sadness. It's not in my strength or my power to do that. I love being there for the people I love, and I forever will be. I need to do a better job at laying it all at Jesus' feet and trusting that He's got it covered. 

If you've made it this far, I am okay. I will be okay. I just have to do some reassessing of all that I've let slip in the midst of all the hard. A verse that's been a huge comfort is John 16:33: These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good courage, I have overcome the world. <3 

Jesus is the answer. I will keep worshipping, keep praying, keep trusting, and keep reading His word. He is so faithful.