Merry Go Round

     I feel like I need to write, but for some reason I don't really know what to say. Life has been tough recently, pretty much all of 2018.What I had hoped would be the year of awesome, has become the year of random ailments. I have questioned everything about what I'm doing this year.
I've come very close to just quitting, not on life, but specifically leading worship more times than I can even count. Do I still love playing, singing, worshipping....ABSOLUTELY!!! I've just been so exhausted, drained...how can you give when you feel you've already been completely depleted? I guess you could say I've been running pretty close to empty for the last couple of months.
     The craziest part about it all is I really don't have a lot to complain about or anything to truly be unhappy about. I just can't seem to handle stress well or control my anxiety.
Before anyone feels the need to guess what I'm doing wrong, I am reading my bible, praying, listening to worship music and seeking God. I feel sometimes, that is the reason I feel so much opposition.  I'm also working out to help relieve my anxiety and stress levels. Somehow I still feel stuck in this place of exhaustion.
     What I'm realizing is maybe I put too much pressure on myself. When I'm off from work, if I can, I still feel the need to answer emails. Today I actually had to force myself to  not look at work emails. I stress about what I might have missed before I clocked out for some much needed time off. I find myself logging in a day early to catch up so I'm not overwhelmed when I come back. Is anyone asking me to do this? No, I just feel the need to prove that I'm worth keeping around...typing that makes even me question what in the world my problem is.
     I feel like I've had an epiphany just typing that. That seems to be what all my issues stem from...proving I'm worthy....that I'm good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. It's been a constant merry go round. Comparison can be such a defeating thing. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."Eleanor Roosevelt. 
     I've spent my life allowing everyone to make me feel inferior. My life verse is Psalm 139:14 I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works and that my soul knows very well. I know that God does not make mistakes. He created me with one dimple, the ability to cry at the drop of hat, blue eyes, a tender heart...He created me, ME, for a specific plan and purpose.Comparison only keeps me from truly chasing after His plan for my life. Instead of reaching my full potential, I'm crippled by wondering if I'm good enough to complete the task at hand.
   

Health Struggles and The Garden

I hesitate to write this. I never want to seem like I'm complaining or whining. I am very much aware that there are those in desperate situations that I could never even begin to imagine or comprehend. This is where I've been struggling lately.

I have probably been feeling awful for about a month now. My symptoms have been all over the place: chest pain, chest tightness, numbness in arms, feeling like my throat is closing in, nausea, etc. I went to the ER a week ago, because I was so afraid I was having a heart attack. A couple of days later my symptoms seemed to worsen, so I made an appointment with my doctor. I was diagnosed with some sort of stomach bacteria. This was causing a lot of the pain along with some awful reflux. I am on a steroid and 3 antibiotics right now, and unfortunately those come with their own set of side effects.

Tonight I had some sort of episode. It hurt to touch my skin, my throat felt swollen, and my whole body was just achy. In situations like these, I struggle with whether I'm crazy or if there's really something wrong. It's so hard to explain to Aaron why I'm freaking out, and that in freaking out, I'm making my symptoms worse.

After popping a couple of Benadryl and doing some stretches to calm myself down, I decided a bath with candles and music couldn't hurt anything. As Kari Jobe's song "The Garden" started playing I couldn't help the tears. "Love is lifting me from sorrow, catching every tear. Dispelling every lie and torment, crushing all my fears. You crush all my fears with Your perfect love." Honestly I've been so afraid lately. So terrified that something is seriously wrong. Even with my diagnosis and the medicines helping, I can't seem to get passed these random episodes.

Taking that bath tonight, crying, worshiping, reading the psalms helped so much. Letting the lyrics wash over me while declaring the truth over my life and my situation, began to tear down those walls of fear that I've had for years regarding my health. I will not be defeated, and I refuse to let fear paralyze me.

The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, A refuge in times of trouble. And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.         Psalm 9:9