A New Vision

I've always wanted to be the faithful blogger, but I guess that's just not me. I had the pleasure of leading worship at a women's retreat at the beginning of this month. It was such an amazing time. Broken hearts were mended, chains were broken, lives were restored. It was such a lovely time listening to amazing women share their stories and what God has brought them out of. They shared their dreams and where they felt God was leading. The song that was on my heart while preparing for the weekend was "He Loves Us." While the chorus is so simple, the words are powerful. It's so easy to get swept away while singing with your whole heart "He Loves Us, Oh how He loves Us." I often think we sing lyrics without understanding the magnitude of what we're actually saying. The creator of the Heavens and the Earth loves ME. WOW!! :)

Prior to the retreat, I really felt in my heart that I needed to start a women's group. I've always been hesitant to step out and do something like this, because like most women I question my worth and what I have to even offer. So many of my friends are hurting right now and life has been pretty hard the last couple of months for my family. Even if it's just me and those friends, I wanted to offer a time of worship, prayer, and encouragement. I feel as women we tend to tear each other down, compare ourselves to one another instead of building each other up. Being a mom is hard. Being a wife is hard. Just feeling like enough is hard. I'm not real sure what this group will end up looking like, but I just know in my heart it's something I need to do.

 I often question my ability to lead worship, but I truly feel like it is part of the calling on my life. I've also had a heart for women. I've been broken, struggled with self worth, and feeling the need to be different, someone other than who I am. It's so important to know that others share your struggles. Someone has walked your path or one very similar. Being real is so important.

So my dear friends, please pray as I start planning and preparing for this group. Pray that each woman that attends will feel loved and leave feeling encouraged. I want this to be a safe place to share, a house of healing.

A Little Transparency

I've been struggling for a while now. I'm not really sure why, but I've been in this constant state of funkiness. I've always been the worst about comparing myself to other people. She/He sings better than me, she's skinnier, prettier, smarter....and on and on and on.
I feel silly for the constant struggle. I mean I'm a 35 year old woman who still constantly struggles with insecurity, feeling good enough and valued.  The worst part about it is I have an amazing husband who loves me so much. He's encouraging, he compliments me, he loves me the way I should be loved. I have beautiful, healthy children. I have the privilege of leading worship at church, a great job,and some of he best friends a girl could ask for, so WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!??!
At church we've been talking about the devil...our enemy and adversary.  He knows how to get to us. He knows how to get us in the way of ourselves. I've talked before about the years I struggled with bulimia. It's crazy that even though it's been 13 or more years since I've done it, I still struggle when I look in the mirror, when I go shopping for clothes. I always feel the need to run 1 or 2 more miles, and beat myself up over what I ate or drank. I'm constantly reminded of past mistakes. I know I've been forgiven, but again, it's so hard to forgive myself.
Lately I've just wanted to throw in the towel. Before you freak out, I don't mean life in general. Leading worship has been the main thing that I go back and forth on whether or not I should continue. I LOVE LOVE LOVE worship. It's who I am, and it's what I do. But lately, I haven't been sure that's enough reason to continue doing it, leading it. I've been tired, exhausted, which sounds strange, because worship is supposed to be one of the easiest ways to serve in the church,right? Ha ha! Sometimes rather than leading, I just want to sit back and be lead myself. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me. I will never stop worshiping. I've never needed a microphone for that. God is so worthy. He's brought me out of so much, and that's why I will always sing praises to Him.
Sometimes I wish the same struggles didn't constantly rear their ugly heads,  but at the same time, they work, so why would it need to change.
Today at church was what I needed. I'm broken and very much in need of a Savior. I'm so grateful that in my weakness, He becomes strong. I'm thankful that He is enough. I can rest in Him. He is hope, He is love, He is all I need.
I think it's so important to be real with each other. The beauty of the body of Christ is that we are here to bear one another's burdens, to pray for each other, and lift each other up. I don't ever want it to seem like I have it all together, because I know, for me, those are the people I would never confide in. I want to be an ear for those who are struggling, a safe place to go.
I didn't share this to be a discouragement. I know God has me. I know my family has me. I know that whatever THIS is, is preparing me for the next assignment He has for me.  I'm just going to keep seeking His will for my life.

Same Struggle, A Different Day

I get so mad at myself sometimes for struggling with the same thing over and over and over. At some point I really want to look in the mirror and like what I see. It's so weird the damage that can be done from words from so long ago. Those words lead to years of bulimia, and no matter where I am weight wise, I can't seem to be happy.
I've been thinner and heavier than I am now, and I can honestly say that at no point in those times have I been confident in my own skin. I'm honestly mad at myself for being this way. It's something I have to overcome for myself and now my daughter. That is my goal this year. Not only do I want to meet fitness goals, but I also want to learn to truly love myself no matter where I am.
I have a husband who loves me just the way I am, sons who tell me I'm beautiful, and it's time I BELIEVE it.
While this has been a constant battle, I am so happy that even in the times I felt the worst I haven't reverted back to bulimia. I know that's not the answer, and that it will only make me feel worse. It's been 12+ years since the last time, and I don't plan on traveling that road ever again. I thank God so much for giving me the strength to overcome that.
Instead of whining, I've started moving. For the past three weeks I've been in Fitbit challenges which has encouraged me to move more than I normally would. The next thing I plan on doing is changing my diet. Of course along with the outward stuff, I'm also working on the inside. I'm reading the bible, worshiping and truly focusing on what's important, Him. I can't let my struggles make me lose focus on the reason I'm here to begin with, to show everyone His love.
The passage I always go back to in times like these is Psalms 139. While I love the whole chapter, my favorite part is this: 14 I will give thanks to you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;wonderful are your works and my soul knows it very well. 17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, Oh God. 18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
The struggle is real folks, but I am confident that with prayer, worship, and the word, I will be victorious through Him.

King of the World

The past couple of weeks have been hard. We got some bad news regarding Aaron's job, we seem to be catching one sickness after the other, and then there's everyone facing such heavy stuff around me. My heart hurts, and I'm exhausted.

Today, finding out one of Dexter's classmates lost her mom, really broke me. I don't know the little girl, and I didn't know her mom, but it just hurts me to know that someone Dexter's age is facing such a gut wrenching loss. I find myself praying the family knows Jesus, and that in the midst of this incredible heartache,they still have hope.

I recently started listening to Kari Jobe's newest album, The Garden. Knowing the stories behind many of the songs , makes me wish I could send everyone hurting or in a rough spot a copy. The title track says this, "Faith is rising up like ivy reaching for the light. Hope is stirring up inside me making all things right. Love is lifting me from sorrow catching every tear. Dispelling every lie and torment crushing all my fears.You crush all my fears with Your perfect love."

I guess more than ever before it's so obvious how fragile life is. It truly is a vapor, here one moment and gone the next. In the midst of all the suffering and trials, there is a hope. There is a Savior that makes beauty from our ashes. He gives gladness for our mourning, and a peace that passes all understanding. He knows the tears we cry, and He cares.

There are so many things in this life I don't understand. So many things I will never understand. One of the many songs that has been on my heart lately is "King of the World" by Natalie Grant. It puts it so simply. "When did I forget that you've always been the King of the world? Try to take life back, right out of the hands of the King of the world. How could I make you so small when You're the one that holds it all?When did I forget that you've always been the King of the world?" His ways are not my ways, but I do trust that He loves me and He is good even when I don't understand.

Hello 2017

I've wanted to write for so long, but I could never get my words together to say what's been on my heart and mind lately.

First of all, I've been struggling a lot lately. It's not because of anyone or anything, but I've been questioning what I should be doing. Am I where God wants me to be? Are the gifts and talents I have really worth sharing? Am I making a difference? Does what I'm doing even matter? The funny thing about God is He always sends what we need. I was seriously ready to throw in the towel, take a little break to regroup. Around that time, I received the sweetest card in the mail just telling me I was appreciated. It was so very encouraging. Before you criticize me for seeking my worth in 'man's opinions', it's really not that at all. It was the little nudge I needed to keep fighting and worshiping with all my heart. 

This new year, I decided I really needed to become more intentional in my prayer life. There is so much hurting, and I really wanted to make sure that I was taking each and every need to the Lord. I have never wanted to be one of those people who comments praying one minute and then never thinks about it again. I have re-started my prayer journal. I plan on looking at it at the beginning of next year to see what God has done. I actually read the prayers I had written down last year. I had actually  been praying for a way to stay home and be a stay at home mom, God didn't answer exactly how I saw, but I do WORK from home now which is equally awesome!! I thank God that he knew exactly what I needed, and allowed my other job to force me out in order to find something SO MUCH BETTER!!

My goal this year is to live my life as a worshiper. There are so many songs that reflect my heart right now. One is ''Your praise will ever be on my lips." God has already done so much for me. I always have a reason to praise Him. The other is ''It's Your breath in our lungs,so we'll pour out our praise." Basically it's the same theme. He is worthy no matter what life throws at me. He literally gives me breath, so why in the world would I not praise Him?

The last lyrics that really struck a chord with me tonight as I worshiped were these: 

Our  God is Lion, the Lion of Judah.

He's roaring in power and fighting our battles,

And every knee will bow before Him.

Our God is the Lamb, the Lamb that was slain

For the sins of the world His blood breaks the chains,

And every knee will bow before the Lion and the Lamb.

This year is already beginning to look a lot like last year did. There is lots of uncertainty right around the corner, but I am so grateful that I can look back and see all God has brought me and my family through. If He did it then, he will certainly bring us through this time.  I will continue seeking his face in prayer, worship and His word.