More Than Able

I've had a couple of things on my heart lately, and it all started when our church sang the song "More Than Able" during a worship set a couple of weeks ago. As you probably guessed, I started crying. I didn't quite understand why, but after hearing the song again last night at a women's conference, it started to make a little more sense. The message from last nights conference also opened my eyes a bit more.

Many who are close to me know that 2023 was probably the worst year I've ever experienced. My heart broke in ways that I never knew possible. I was overwhelmed with sadness more times than I can count, and honestly some days those waves still pull me under. The lyrics to this song were kind of a punch in the gut. 

When I did I start to forget all of the great things that You did?

When did I throw away faith for the impossible?

How did I start to believe You weren't sufficient for me?

Why do I talk myself  out of seeing miracles?

Many don't discuss how hard it is when you pray and believe for a miracle, and God's way is different. We are quiet about how soul crushing that can be. It's an odd thing to trust but also have doubts you can't shake. I know God is able, but it hurts so bad when He doesn't. 

I think the lyrics of this song struck me, because I had let those doubts take root in my heart. It's hard to admit. It feels so frustrating, since I've literally experienced the miraculous in my life. 

Last night at the conference, we talked about being rooted, planted firmly, so that when the storms of life blow, we might bend, but we won't break. We also discussed continuing, pushing through when it's hard, not giving up. We were never told it would be easy. When you think about it, we were told often how hard the race of life would be. 

I'm so grateful that while the last 9 months have been so difficult, I have been surrounded by the most amazing community. There were moments that I thought I would break, but guess what, I'm still standing. While my faith has been rocked, I know that God is more than able. I really can't deny all the great things He's done in my life, the miracles I've witnessed in my life and in the lives of those around me. 

I do truly believe that He is all I need. My heart just needed to be reminded. Don't give up, friends! Continue, and when you get tired, I pray you have those around you who hold you up until you can stand on your own again. 

2023 Tried, but it Didn't Take Me Down

 As 2023 rapidly comes to a close, I would be lying if I didn't say that I am beyond happy to see this year end. If I could sum up this year with one word it would be devastating. Devastating loss after devastating loss, health scares, financial struggles, so many tears..it was a doozy for sure. 

It's so odd to be able to describe the year as devastating, but there's also so much good that came out of this year. My precious Elyse decided to follow Jesus and be baptized. I found an amazing job with the best coworkers. While I already knew I had some of the best friends, those friendships certainly deepened over this year. I've learned what it truly means to walk though the deepest pits with the people I love so so much. I discovered that I am a person that people lean on and count on. What a privilege that is. 

My relationship with the Lord has deepened as well. I have prayed like I've never prayed before. I have read through the bible with one of my favorites. I've also discovered again how truly perfect God's timing is. God is in every detail, and it leaves me in awe over and over again. How people make it through life without Jesus, I will never understand. I'm so grateful that I don't have to. You don't either. ;-)

When I think of 2024, I can only pray that it's less painful. 2023 did teach me that tomorrow is not promised, so I plan to make sure I love my people with everything I have. I don't want to waste any moments. I want to be more intentional with my time. I also want to be kinder to myself. I've always struggled so much with image issues, not feeling good enough. While I've come a long way from where I used to be, I am praying that I don't waste my time on those thoughts this year. 

I mostly pray that when I look back on 2024, that I will be able to say that I am not who I was at the beginning. I want to follow Jesus with all I have, study and learn His word, have an intentional prayer life, be a better mom, wife and friend. Maybe I'll even become a better musician this year! 

Happy New Year, friends! May we all experience the love, peace, hope and joy that is found in Jesus! I pray you're also surrounded by the greatest of friends who will walk with you through the highs and lows of life. I am one blessed lady. 2023 tried but it didn't take me down. 

Sparks of Hope and Joy

   I'm really trying to make this a weekly thing, but time just keeps flying by with no time to sit and write. Since I wrote last, I am happy to report I am doing so much better. I am eating 3 times a day and I'm no longer crying ever day.  As my sweet friend told me, she's happy that I'm crying just my normal amount now. :) I'm no longer having dizzy spells and my blood work came back completely normal. Praise the Lord!

    I can only credit God and some of the best friends in the whole entire world for how I'm feeling now, because the world is still so heavy, and my friends are still hurting. I have realized that it's not my job to carry the weight of everyones burdens around with me daily. Yes, it's my job to be there, really be there. The best friend I can be is to be there, and then battle for my precious people on my knees. Jesus loves them more than I ever could, and I truly believe He will see them through it all.     

    Hope and joy are strange things. I had definitely fallen into a pit of deep sadness without really noticing, but there were still sparks of hope and joy. To most, I seemed to still have it all together. It was in those times when people truly asked and wanted to know how I was doing that I began to realize that I couldn't really speak without crying. A little advice...be a person who truly wants to know how people are. It's so incredibly precious to know you're cared for. 

    A couple of weeks ago I learned a song to lead during worship called "Ancient Gates." I have 2 favorite lyrics. "Every tear is wiped away. We'll know no sorrow. Worship Him with joyful sound. Sing until your voice gives out." Then in the chorus it says, "Bring Him every prayer soaked lyric." In my case, tear soaked lyric is more accurate, but as the song states, "Jesus He's so worthy of it all." He's so worthy and not just in the good times. Honestly, He's more good in the hard times. He never leaves. He's always there. He's the only reason that I know my friends will be okay. He's the reason I can smile in the midst of great sorrow. 

    "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

    

Maybe I'm Not Okay...But I Will Be

 It's been so long since I've written anything other than a Facebook post. I often forget how much I love writing, how therapeutic and healing it can be.  Maybe it's the outlet I've been missing.

I won't go into the details of all that's happened over the last 6 months, but it's been a lot of hard. There have been devastating losses, heartbreaking phone calls, health scares, and the many regular stresses that exist from being an adult, a parent.

It's so crazy how you can power through, feeling like you're handling everything great, until you realize that you're not. I've been having spells of being light headed for maybe a month. The last 2 weeks, they became daily and several times a day. I finally went to the doctor and had blood work done to finally figure out what in the world was going on with me.

As I was answering the doctor's questions, I began to realize that maybe all that I'd been dealing with was tied to all the big emotions I'd been dealing with or perhaps not dealing with. As I told her of all that had happened over the last 6 months, my eyes started to fill with tears. Then she asked me about my eating. That's when it hit me that I hadn't really been eating any meal other than dinner consistently. Sadly the first thought that popped into my head upon this realization was how am I not skinnier then? Those old thoughts that lead me to bulimia over a decade ago never seem to completely disappear. 

After my doctor's visit, I began to realize that I had been so consumed with everything going on around me, I just stopped paying attention to how I was actually doing. I had just been going through everyday trying to be everything I felt I needed to be for everyone else, that I lost myself a bit along the way. 

I've been crying a lot for many reasons, but recently it was over how I got to this point. How does one not even realize that maybe they're not doing their best? How do get to a point where you feel guilty for not being okay? 

Sometimes I feel like a fraud, but at the same time, I do truly believe in the hope and joy that I have through Jesus. Honestly, He is the only reason I'm not curled up in the fetal position crying in a dark room. I've just realized that it's still okay to be sad. It's okay to reach out when you're not okay. We are to share one another burdens, because we are all going through something. How close is a friendship if you aren't willing to be honest about how you're truly doing? 

I'm so grateful that God is big enough to carry it all. He cares about my pain and heartbreak even though I feel it's so much less significant than what my closest friends are facing. He knows and sees every tear I've cried. He loves me and all my mess, and He also loves and cares for my friends better than I ever could. 

I've realized I've been carrying or attempting to carry the weight of all the loss and sadness. It's not in my strength or my power to do that. I love being there for the people I love, and I forever will be. I need to do a better job at laying it all at Jesus' feet and trusting that He's got it covered. 

If you've made it this far, I am okay. I will be okay. I just have to do some reassessing of all that I've let slip in the midst of all the hard. A verse that's been a huge comfort is John 16:33: These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good courage, I have overcome the world. <3 

Jesus is the answer. I will keep worshipping, keep praying, keep trusting, and keep reading His word. He is so faithful. 

Step out in Faith and Follow

I'm not even sure where to begin. Writing has always been something I love, but it's always the first thing to go when life gets crazy, and boy is life crazy these days. There's so much going on, and sometimes it feels beyond overwhelming. So tonight, while the kids are getting along, I write.
There have been so many things on my heart lately. Most of them I've continued to ignore because I'm just too tired to follow through. That has changed recently. For the last year, I feel like I've been in a rut, not making a real difference in my day to day to life. I've just been existing, stuck in the routine of the tasks from day to day. It's so frustrating feeling unfulfilled. A couple of years ago now, I felt led to start a women's group. We met once or twice, and then I let myself get too busy. It became a daunting obligation that I didn't want to make time for anymore. That has changed now. I have started the group again, and we will meet for the first time in July. I'm super stoked to begin and really don't feel stressed about it at all. It's a relief to know I'm walking out what I believe to be a calling on my life.
Another thing I never thought I would do was start my own stream. My husband and one of our dear friends started streaming over a year ago. The impact they are making is incredible. Aaron has been pushing me to start a worship channel, and I streamed for the first time on Monday. It was a bit overwhelming and scary, but something happens when I begin to sing and worship. I've realized after many years of being my worst critic, that one of the main ingredients of being a great worship leader is the heart behind the leading. Am I the best singer? Nope. Am I the best musician? HA, absolutely not! BUT, do I love Jesus and singing praises to His name? More than anything. It's such a huge burden lifted when you realize that it's not about you. If the focus is truly on the One you're singing about, people will follow and they will recognize the counterfeit. It's weird being a leader who hates people looking at her. It's also still very strange to me that I am a leader. Then again, I do believe we should all be leading someone.
I'm so grateful for all that God has given me. I get so caught up in what's going on in the moment and forget to look at all the good around me. I am privileged to lead worship. What an honor it is to do something that I've loved since I was a child standing on a chair singing in church. How amazing is it to have a platform online to sing songs of hope to those who feel hopeless? I'm still baffled that anyone would watch, but then again, I'm also shocked that anyone would want to come to a women's group lead by me. HA! God truly does work in mysterious ways, using someone awkward and uncomfortable ...a person who hates people looking at them.
I guess I write all this to encourage you. Don't just exist. Follow your God-given passions. They are passions for a reason. We serve a limitless God who can do wonderful things through those who will step out in faith and follow.

Merry Go Round

     I feel like I need to write, but for some reason I don't really know what to say. Life has been tough recently, pretty much all of 2018.What I had hoped would be the year of awesome, has become the year of random ailments. I have questioned everything about what I'm doing this year.
I've come very close to just quitting, not on life, but specifically leading worship more times than I can even count. Do I still love playing, singing, worshipping....ABSOLUTELY!!! I've just been so exhausted, drained...how can you give when you feel you've already been completely depleted? I guess you could say I've been running pretty close to empty for the last couple of months.
     The craziest part about it all is I really don't have a lot to complain about or anything to truly be unhappy about. I just can't seem to handle stress well or control my anxiety.
Before anyone feels the need to guess what I'm doing wrong, I am reading my bible, praying, listening to worship music and seeking God. I feel sometimes, that is the reason I feel so much opposition.  I'm also working out to help relieve my anxiety and stress levels. Somehow I still feel stuck in this place of exhaustion.
     What I'm realizing is maybe I put too much pressure on myself. When I'm off from work, if I can, I still feel the need to answer emails. Today I actually had to force myself to  not look at work emails. I stress about what I might have missed before I clocked out for some much needed time off. I find myself logging in a day early to catch up so I'm not overwhelmed when I come back. Is anyone asking me to do this? No, I just feel the need to prove that I'm worth keeping around...typing that makes even me question what in the world my problem is.
     I feel like I've had an epiphany just typing that. That seems to be what all my issues stem from...proving I'm worthy....that I'm good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. It's been a constant merry go round. Comparison can be such a defeating thing. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."Eleanor Roosevelt. 
     I've spent my life allowing everyone to make me feel inferior. My life verse is Psalm 139:14 I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works and that my soul knows very well. I know that God does not make mistakes. He created me with one dimple, the ability to cry at the drop of hat, blue eyes, a tender heart...He created me, ME, for a specific plan and purpose.Comparison only keeps me from truly chasing after His plan for my life. Instead of reaching my full potential, I'm crippled by wondering if I'm good enough to complete the task at hand.
   

Health Struggles and The Garden

I hesitate to write this. I never want to seem like I'm complaining or whining. I am very much aware that there are those in desperate situations that I could never even begin to imagine or comprehend. This is where I've been struggling lately.

I have probably been feeling awful for about a month now. My symptoms have been all over the place: chest pain, chest tightness, numbness in arms, feeling like my throat is closing in, nausea, etc. I went to the ER a week ago, because I was so afraid I was having a heart attack. A couple of days later my symptoms seemed to worsen, so I made an appointment with my doctor. I was diagnosed with some sort of stomach bacteria. This was causing a lot of the pain along with some awful reflux. I am on a steroid and 3 antibiotics right now, and unfortunately those come with their own set of side effects.

Tonight I had some sort of episode. It hurt to touch my skin, my throat felt swollen, and my whole body was just achy. In situations like these, I struggle with whether I'm crazy or if there's really something wrong. It's so hard to explain to Aaron why I'm freaking out, and that in freaking out, I'm making my symptoms worse.

After popping a couple of Benadryl and doing some stretches to calm myself down, I decided a bath with candles and music couldn't hurt anything. As Kari Jobe's song "The Garden" started playing I couldn't help the tears. "Love is lifting me from sorrow, catching every tear. Dispelling every lie and torment, crushing all my fears. You crush all my fears with Your perfect love." Honestly I've been so afraid lately. So terrified that something is seriously wrong. Even with my diagnosis and the medicines helping, I can't seem to get passed these random episodes.

Taking that bath tonight, crying, worshiping, reading the psalms helped so much. Letting the lyrics wash over me while declaring the truth over my life and my situation, began to tear down those walls of fear that I've had for years regarding my health. I will not be defeated, and I refuse to let fear paralyze me.

The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, A refuge in times of trouble. And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.         Psalm 9:9