I feel like I need to write, but for some reason I don't really know what to say. Life has been tough recently, pretty much all of 2018.What I had hoped would be the year of awesome, has become the year of random ailments. I have questioned everything about what I'm doing this year.
I've come very close to just quitting, not on life, but specifically leading worship more times than I can even count. Do I still love playing, singing, worshipping....ABSOLUTELY!!! I've just been so exhausted, drained...how can you give when you feel you've already been completely depleted? I guess you could say I've been running pretty close to empty for the last couple of months.
The craziest part about it all is I really don't have a lot to complain about or anything to truly be unhappy about. I just can't seem to handle stress well or control my anxiety.
Before anyone feels the need to guess what I'm doing wrong, I am reading my bible, praying, listening to worship music and seeking God. I feel sometimes, that is the reason I feel so much opposition. I'm also working out to help relieve my anxiety and stress levels. Somehow I still feel stuck in this place of exhaustion.
What I'm realizing is maybe I put too much pressure on myself. When I'm off from work, if I can, I still feel the need to answer emails. Today I actually had to force myself to not look at work emails. I stress about what I might have missed before I clocked out for some much needed time off. I find myself logging in a day early to catch up so I'm not overwhelmed when I come back. Is anyone asking me to do this? No, I just feel the need to prove that I'm worth keeping around...typing that makes even me question what in the world my problem is.
I feel like I've had an epiphany just typing that. That seems to be what all my issues stem from...proving I'm worthy....that I'm good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. It's been a constant merry go round. Comparison can be such a defeating thing. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."Eleanor Roosevelt.
I've spent my life allowing everyone to make me feel inferior. My life verse is Psalm 139:14 I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works and that my soul knows very well. I know that God does not make mistakes. He created me with one dimple, the ability to cry at the drop of hat, blue eyes, a tender heart...He created me, ME, for a specific plan and purpose.Comparison only keeps me from truly chasing after His plan for my life. Instead of reaching my full potential, I'm crippled by wondering if I'm good enough to complete the task at hand.
