I get so mad at myself sometimes for struggling with the same thing over and over and over. At some point I really want to look in the mirror and like what I see. It's so weird the damage that can be done from words from so long ago. Those words lead to years of bulimia, and no matter where I am weight wise, I can't seem to be happy.
I've been thinner and heavier than I am now, and I can honestly say that at no point in those times have I been confident in my own skin. I'm honestly mad at myself for being this way. It's something I have to overcome for myself and now my daughter. That is my goal this year. Not only do I want to meet fitness goals, but I also want to learn to truly love myself no matter where I am.
I have a husband who loves me just the way I am, sons who tell me I'm beautiful, and it's time I BELIEVE it.
While this has been a constant battle, I am so happy that even in the times I felt the worst I haven't reverted back to bulimia. I know that's not the answer, and that it will only make me feel worse. It's been 12+ years since the last time, and I don't plan on traveling that road ever again. I thank God so much for giving me the strength to overcome that.
Instead of whining, I've started moving. For the past three weeks I've been in Fitbit challenges which has encouraged me to move more than I normally would. The next thing I plan on doing is changing my diet. Of course along with the outward stuff, I'm also working on the inside. I'm reading the bible, worshiping and truly focusing on what's important, Him. I can't let my struggles make me lose focus on the reason I'm here to begin with, to show everyone His love.
The passage I always go back to in times like these is Psalms 139. While I love the whole chapter, my favorite part is this: 14 I will give thanks to you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;wonderful are your works and my soul knows it very well. 17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, Oh God. 18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
The struggle is real folks, but I am confident that with prayer, worship, and the word, I will be victorious through Him.
